8 Subtle Habits That Tell Other People Everything They Need To Know About You
The little things you do every day say way more about you than the big ones.
GaudiLab | Shutterstock I’m standing in line behind a guy ordering a steak bowl. As the employee asks about toppings, he quietly tells them, “Can I have guac on that?” The worker doesn’t hear him. He hesitates, looking on his face like he wants to say something — but he doesn’t. His girlfriend notices, sighs, and ends up asking for guacamole on his behalf.
That tiny moment might not seem like a big deal, but it’s one of those small habits that reveal everything about a person. The way you handle situations like this — whether you speak up, keep your promises, carry yourself with confidence, or even how often you complain — sends a clear message to everyone around you. Most of the time, people don’t need deep conversations to figure out who you are. They just need to watch your habits.
Here are 8 subtle habits that tell other people everything they need to know about you:
1. You avoid conflict instead of speaking up
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It’s telling to see how well people respond to social pressure in situations that involve some level of conflict. Some people can face it and deal with it. Others fold. In Solomon Asch’s famous conformity experiment, 75% of people went along with a clearly wrong answer at least once, just to avoid standing out.
If that guy couldn’t muster up the courage to ask for guacamole, what other problems is he running into in his life because of his inability to speak up? I can picture all the missed opportunities, things he wishes he had said, things he wishes he could’ve done.
All lost because he can’t face a little conflict. If it seems like I’m exaggerating, you weren’t there. You could see the timid nature in his eyes, and it was written all over his body.
There are so many situations where doing or saying one little thing makes a world of difference. Do you have the guts to question your boss when they’re making a misstep? Can you check somebody when they’re being rude?
Can you speak up to get what you want? Closed mouths don’t get fed.
2. You break your promises
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If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Make a rule for yourself that once you speak certain words, they’re set in stone. Don’t break promises to yourself or other people, ever, no matter how small.
Each time you say you’re going to do something and you don’t do it, you send a little signal to your brain telling you that you’re the type of person who doesn’t follow through. The same goes for the commitments you promise to others. Research shows people keep small, seemingly inconsequential commitments — like returning change or mailing a postcard — about 60% of the time, but it drops to 22% when "promise" isn't involved.
Small broken promises can have big consequences, even as something as small as saying you’re going to work out that day and you skip.
Tiny broken promises chip away at your character and self-confidence. Better to have some humility and be honest about what you’re willing to follow through with than continue to spout hot air with no results.
3. You put yourself down
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Keeping with the theme of the words you use, you want to be very careful with phrases that describe the way you feel, describe the way you are, or speak to the quality of your life.
This is my problem with little memes like "Adulting is so hard.' Even if you’re just joking, you’re communicating that you can’t manage your own life as an adult. Research shows that relying on self-defeating language like this is associated with lower self-esteem and higher rates of anxiety and depression, even lowering your emotional resilience over time.
Other phrases that come to mind: "I’m always tired," "Wait until you become my age," and "My job sucks."
Be careful not to speak about yourself in a self-deprecating way. Often, people use this as a humor technique, but it’s just a coping mechanism. They knock themselves down a few pegs to avoid confidently facing the possibility of rejection.
"The power of life and death is in the tongue." — Robert Pitts
4. You drop eye contact too quickly
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Here’s a tip you can use if you want to become more confident socially. Try being the last person to break eye contact when you’re talking to someone. Not weirdly and creepily, but warmly and invitingly.
When you lock eyes with people who struggle with social confidence, their eyes dart down immediately. It may be the slightest look down, and they’ll meet your eyes right after. But that little microexpression says a lot.
Mike Tyson used to stare down his opponents. If they looked down for even a split second, he knew the fight was over before it even started.
You’re not trying to knock people out, but this eye contact applies to many situations, such as job interviews, asking someone on a date, and all social situations when you’re communicating with others.
Learn how to maintain eye contact even if it’s uncomfortable.
5. You text 'lol' when you're not laughing
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How often do you type "lol" when you’re not actually laughing out loud? You’re probably not laughing when you use it more often than you realize. If you’re truly "lol," you’d probably type "lmao." Research shows that overusing shortcuts like "lol" can make you come across as less sincere — and you may even get fewer or shorter responses because of it.
People often add lol at the end of their sentences as a hedge. When you include it, it provides a possible escape if someone doesn’t like what you’re saying. It’s another way to try to soften and dull some of that social pressure.
All of these points speak to the same thing: authenticity or lack thereof. We adopt all these little devices we use to avoid living honest, authentic lives with our hearts on our sleeves, anything to avoid rejection and humility.
All of these little instances are small in and of themselves, but when you combine them all, they add up to a life where you’re hiding instead of living.
6. You speak too softly or uncertainly
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I once gave a speech about how to be more confident. During it, I yelled a sentence as loud as humanly possible. Loud enough to startle the other members of the club. Loud enough to be heard in adjacent rooms at the corporate office, where we held meetings.
Loud enough to be absurd and embarrassing. I did it to prove a point about confidence and vocal tonality. The way you use and project your voice says a lot about you, and research shows that medium levels of vocal variation come across as more compelling and attractive than a soft, flat delivery.
If you can speak up and project your voice, it shows you’re not afraid to be seen and heard. Often, people speak softly so they’re not seen as a threat. They don’t want the spotlight on them, so they’ll speak quietly to avoid being noticed.
The way you speak says a lot about you, from projection and vocal tonality to things like "up talk" that make you seem like you’re unsure of yourself when you speak to others. Don’t yell on purpose. Don’t be loud, per se, but use your voice to your advantage.
7. You slouch instead of standing tall
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This 2017 study has been debated back and forth, but this technique seems to work. Instead of trying to find the perfect peer-reviewed study on it, just try it yourself. These studies talk about the effect of "power poses."
If you stand in certain poses, like standing up straight with your hands holding your waist like Superman or Wonder Woman, you’ll feel more powerful.
Maybe there’s not a perfect scientific rule, but phenomenologically, there seems to be some correlation between your posture, the way you feel about yourself, and the way other people see you. Do you stand up straight, or do you slouch? Do you keep your head held high, or do you look down?
The way you carry yourself says a ton about you, from the way you stand, the facial expressions you make, whether you tend to smile or frown more, and the list goes on.
The point isn’t to become some self-confidence automaton. It’s simply to be mindful of the fact that your outward characteristics can and do affect the way you feel about yourself.
8. You complain a lot
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We all have justifiable gripes. Life isn’t fair, and sometimes bad stuff happens to you through no fault of your own. No matter what life throws at you, complaining is usually a net negative.
Try this experiment for a week: See if you can avoid complaining out loud to anyone for seven days straight. When you’re mindful about complaining, you’ll notice just how often you do it as well as how often others do it.
Again, it’s all these little things that add up. Complaining comes from an external locus of control, meaning you perceive the results you get in life based on the actions of others instead of your own.
If you learn to avoid complaining, you can develop an internal locus of control, which means you take responsibility for the results you get in life.
Complain less and watch your disposition change. You’ll feel like you’re able to tackle more of life’s challenges instead of folding. You’ll get better at bouncing back from setbacks. It teaches you that, ultimately, no matter what happens in your life, you have to deal with the aftermath.
Little habits have a huge impact on how people perceive you
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Little moments have huge implications. The point isn’t to monitor every little behavior or try to be perfect and careful. The point is to be mindful.
If you want to be more mindful, focus on the present moment. A lot of these little ticks fade away when you’re present instead of being worried and distracted.
When it comes to your life as a whole, become a conscious observer of your own behavior. Notice the way your behaviors shape your reality and adjust accordingly.
Life isn’t filled with a bunch of large and consequential moments. Most of your life is the sum of a bunch of tiny moments. That’s why it’s important to focus on being the best version of yourself, not just every day, but in every single moment.
Ayodeji Awosika is an author and Medium writer who wants to help you define your own version of success and give you the strategies, insights, and tools to achieve it.
