4 Subtle Feelings That Don’t Seem Serious But Usually Mean You’re Really Struggling
Satrio Ramadhan | Canva Pro Dealing with depression is easiest when you notice the signs of depression early and can take care of them as soon as possible. Unfortunately, when depression symptoms are too subtle, it's difficult to take care of your mental health because you don't realize what's even going on.
Now, years after suffering a big depression of my own, one that landed me in bed for whole days at a time or on the side of the road sobbing after dropping my kids off at their dad’s house, I realize the subtle cues I missed that could have kept me from going down a long and lonely road.
Had I caught these subtle cues, I not only could have prevented about two years of depression, but I would also have had many more years to live my life to its fullest, do meaningful work, and enjoy exceptional relationships. To know how to deal with depression, you need to find out where those sudden feelings of loneliness and sadness are coming from.
Here are four subtle feelings that don’t seem serious but usually mean you’re really struggling:
1. You stop having opinions about anything
It’s totally normal not to have an opinion about what you do or where you go sometimes, but not having an opinion a majority of the time is one subtle sign of depression. Research has linked self-silencing with depression, explaining that when people suppress their thoughts and emotions to avoid conflict, it creates a cycle that quietly breaks down mental health over time.
The more you hold back what you actually think, the harder it becomes for the people around you to know who you really are. Think about that word quite literally — "depress." To depress oneself means not to express oneself or to stifle expression. Why might we stifle our expression in the form of not having an opinion?
A big reason is the fear of rejection. We may be afraid that if we voice our opinions, then they will not be met with agreement by other people in our lives, and somewhere inside of us, we decide that it’s best to keep our mouths shut.
It becomes more comfortable not to express our opinions rather than potentially having a disagreement, because conflict is uncomfortable. Many of us try to avoid it at all costs.
But what is the cost? The cost is depressing our expression of ourselves in our relationships, which ultimately leads to the other person not knowing who we really are.
Then we become the type of person who says things like, "I wish my husband understood me." But what we don’t realize is that he can’t understand if we don’t express ourselves. We don’t even understand, accept, and love ourselves!
2. 'I don't care' becomes your answer to everything
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Saying "I don’t care" is similar to not having an opinion, except "I don’t care" is about depressing our expression of our internal self. Sometimes, we sincerely don’t have a preference. However, when we actually do, but we say, "I don’t care" — either to another or to ourselves — we are lying about our feelings and trying to make an excuse to feel better.
Using "I don’t care" communicates that we are not important and that what we want is not important. We may choose to say "I don’t care" to be more agreeable. However, avoiding the outer conflict of having an opinion leads to inner conflict because we do care that we have an opinion, but we are not expressing it.
When "I don't care" stops being an honest answer and starts being a shield, something deeper is usually going on. Marriage and family therapist Paula-Jo Husack explains that many people experiencing depression lose their connection to their emotional vocabulary entirely, describing it as being "just plain disconnected" from their feelings without even realizing it.
3. You have no idea what you want anymore
Saying "I don't know" may feel very true when it’s coming out of our mouths or when we hear it in our heads, but it is another lie. Lack of clarity around what we want stems from our inability to express our thoughts and feelings to another person or ourselves.
The inner conflict around what we want starts very early in childhood when we are taught the difference between "good" people and "bad" people. Mental health therapist Brittney Lindstrom notes that one of the clearest signs that depression is deepening is when people stop engaging with the activities and hobbies they used to love. When what you want no longer pulls at you, it is worth asking whether you are simply busy or whether something quieter is happening underneath.
Unfortunately, some things we want in life challenge the beliefs we have learned about what it means to be good. So we fear that others will perceive us as "bad," and we stuff those desires so far inside that we can’t hear them anymore.
We think we don’t know what we want, but the little whispers of the heart are under so many layers of self-judgments that we can’t even hear them — let alone express them.
Sometimes, when we hear those whispers but think we can’t have what we want, we decide not to share those desires with others or even with ourselves.
4. You're going through the motions, but nothing feels like it means anything
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Feeling we do not have a purpose is another subtle sign of depressing ourselves. Without strong opinions, strong emotions, and strong desires, we believe that we do not know our purpose in the world.
It seems muddled, but clarity is there — just pushed so far down in the depression that we can’t see or feel it. Anhedonia is recognized in the DSM-5 as one of the two core symptoms of major depression. Research shows it affects roughly 70% of people with depression and is often one of the hardest symptoms to treat, making it worth taking seriously even when it shows up quietly.
We are all here for powerful reasons in this world. And if you know you’re here for a reason but you don’t know what that reason is, you are not living your full expression. The continuation of that pattern could lead you into deeper despair.
Communication is at the heart of our ability to live with an exceptional quality of life. Opening communication with others is important, but communicating with ourselves and the world are equally important elements of expression.
When we are not fully expressing our thoughts, emotions, and desires, we are depressed. There is no way to express and depress at the same time. What will you choose?
Ani Anderson is a master coach, speaker, business mentor, and author.
