The Painfully Simple Reason We're All So Miserable

It feels as though just about everyone is miserable these days. It truly doesn't have to be that way.

Last updated on Jan 17, 2024

beautiful sad lonely girl sitting near the window is missing Evgeny Hmur / Shutterstock

"Why am I unhappy?" It's a question more and more people seem to be asking themselves these days.

Well, you are unhappy because you have been in a long-term romance with your misery for as long as you can remember.

From a young age, you have been convinced that misery is what you should predominantly feel.

Your parents, siblings, culture, peer group, and religion have taught you that pain is the default.


RELATED: 9 Life-Sucking Mental Habits That Make You Feel Bitter (So, Stop!)

Don’t be too happy... you’ll attract jealousy.

Don’t laugh too loudly... people will think you’re strange.

Don’t be too proud of your looks, or your successes, or your wins... you’ll be seen as full of yourself.

In other words, don’t thrive... people won’t like you.



You are thought to be a crazy person if you are happy for "no good reason." It is conditioned into you as being better to keep your head down, and sulk and complain like everyone else than to tap into your inner state of bliss.


When you really tap into the reality that the vast majority of what most people do with their communication is complain and gossip, it’s easy to want to opt-out of it.

How often do you slow down for long enough to remember that happiness is your default emotional state?

If you were a robot that came from a factory, happiness would be your out-of-the-box setting. That is how you are meant to be, most of the time. It takes work to be miserable.

But if it takes effort to be miserable, why do we keep going on in this way?

There are two reasons we convince ourselves we should feel miserable.

1. We learn repeatedly throughout the course of our lifetime that we get more attention when we are struggling.

You get sympathy. You get people’s energy. You get to tap into a low-hanging fruit sense of importance.


2. Wallowing in misery allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our own lives.

The more you get the pity of others, the less motivated you’ll be to make any changes.

Making changes often requires courage — courage that you don’t want to expend. Your ego tells you, “Better to be miserable, get all of this attention lavished on me, and not have to do anything about changing my life. I’ll just sit in this dark, dirty, bliss-eroding little ditch I’ve carved out for myself. This will be much easier.”

And yet, it isn’t. It takes more effort to be miserable than it does to allow yourself to wake up and remember how nothing is holding you back from bliss other than your mind.

RELATED: 11 Tiny Habits That Will Make You 98% More Resilient Than Everyone Else


How can you learn to allow yourself to be happy instead of miserable?

Start by remembering that 99% of misery is self-constructed and self-perpetuated.



Let your mind let go. Sit down, take a few deep breaths, and acknowledge how much about your life (in your body, in your relationships, in your present-day levels of ease) is functioning well already. If you are aware of things that aren’t functioning well in your life, change them.

I’m not telling you to out-think your problems and tell yourself that everything is hunky-dory when you’re actually in real, situational pain.


Rather, I’m suggesting that you let go of misery as a lifestyle choice, and change whatever is necessary for you to change in order for your natural state of happiness to emerge.



You already have all of the tools inside of you. You might be afraid to utilize some of them. You might fear that you’ll lose love if you do. But they are available to you, and they are begging to be used.

If you aren’t sure as to whether or not something is good or bad for you, check-in with your body.


Your mind is an anxiety-ridden idiot. All it does is express doubt. That is its job. Your heart/gut/intuition is where it’s at. So ask your body. It already knows the answer.

RELATED: 5 Sneaky Reasons You're Unhappy And Stressed Out

Relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks, maintain thriving intimate relationships, and live a better life.