4 Simple Phrases People In Midlife Use To Say No Without Feeling Guilty
Darren Baker | Canva "We must say 'no' to what, in our heart, we don't want. We must say 'no' to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say 'no' to treating ourselves, our health, and our needs as less important than someone else's. We must say 'no.'" — author Suzette Hinton
If there is one thing I have learned while healing from a serious stress-related illness, it is the necessity of allowing myself to say "no" to others. Permitting myself to choose for myself without feeling guilty or annoyed. Most of us have the tendency to want to please others, help others, and save others on a consistent basis, especially those who are sensitive or highly sensitive or working in the health care sector.
We've learned that we need to put ourselves aside if we want to help others, while it is actually the opposite. We need to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. No use in depleting ourselves in any way. We pay for that in the long run; it is unhealthy.
If you have difficulty saying 'no' to others and 'yes' to yourself, here are a few strong practical tips to consider when somebody asks for your help, and you really want to say 'no'. You can start saying 'no' with confidence and without feeling guilty or bad about it.
Here are the 4 simple phrases people in midlife use to say no without feeling guilty:
1. 'I care about you, and I can't commit to this right now.'
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The more responsibility you have for your own life and know exactly what you want for yourself, the easier it will be to say no. You need to make choices about your priorities, your values, and your goals so that making a decision on what you can or cannot do for people around you is easier and quicker. It is a fact that your environment will respect you even more for your honesty and clarity.
Knowing your values and priorities makes saying no dramatically easier. Research has shown that people who constantly overcommit experience higher stress and anxiety, and that the habit is often rooted in fear instead of genuine choice, which is what getting clear on your priorities helps you break free from.
2. 'No, but thank you for thinking of me'
The word 'no' is enough as an answer; you don't need to defend your position. The more reasons you give after you say 'no', the more ammunition you give the other person to try to convince you toward a 'yes'. You simply have the 'right' to say 'no' whenever you feel like it. It is your birthright to take care of yourself and put yourself first.
Terry Gaspard, a licensed clinical social worker, explained that learning to say no without guilt is one of the most important things a person can do for their own self-worth and their relationships. She explained, "When you speak up for what you want and need, your sense of self will soar as you build self-respect."
3. 'Can I get back to you on that? I want to give you a real answer'
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It might be a good exercise to start with gaining time, before you really say the 'no' word. In my practice, I advise people who really battle to set their boundaries to ask the other person for some time to think it over.
"I will check this in my agenda (or with my family) and get back to you on that." By winning some time, you can come back to them when you feel strong enough to be firm in your decision and choice.
The inability to say no often comes from being torn between your own needs and the fear of disappointing someone, and giving yourself space to respond thoughtfully is part of healthy boundary-setting. Intuitive coach Ronnie Ann Ryan explains, learning to say no to a request "can feel like a relief, and, in fact, is quite liberating."
4. 'I can't do that, but here is what I can do'
If you feel you really would like to help that person and choose for yourself at the same time, it might help you to offer the other person to look out for someone else who can say 'yes'. That way, you might feel you have helped in another way, without sacrificing yourself.
Offering an alternative is one of the most effective ways to hold a boundary without damaging the relationship. Research by the American Psychological Association found that setting firm limits reduces stress, enhances self-esteem, and improves emotional resilience, and that the relationship usually survives, no better than most people expect.
"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself," says Paulo Coelho. We all think that when we say 'no', it will cause a conflict or people will love us less. Some people might be quite surprised the first time you say 'no' to them, but most people can accept it and will respect you for setting your priorities.
When you practice conscious self-care daily, as if your health depends on it, and it really does, saying 'no' becomes a natural expression of living out of love. You will say 'yes' to others when it is a 'yes' to yourself as well. Honesty and authenticity are the best presents you can give to yourself and to others.
Danielle Sax is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and wealth mentor.
