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Face > Butt
By Elly Lonon — Last updated on Feb 16, 2023
Why is everyone so scandalized over this whole "Women need to decide between focusing on their butt or their face" thing? While I'm all for going to the gym to stay in shape, being too skinny is where the problem arises. Being thin may make your butt look great, but your face looks so much better when you're at a healthier weight.
It's no contest. The face is the clear winner here. I don't have to read a single article on the subject to know the correct answer, either. And personally, I can't think of a single situation in which I'd choose my butt over my face.
Here are 10 reasons a woman should always choose her face over her butt:
1. Mustache bleaching = OK. Anal bleaching = not OK
While bleaching, plucking, and waxing are hideous undertakings on a good day, I'd rather shove ice picks under my toenails than whether those activities anywhere else on my body.
2. Even beauty companies don't want you to mess with your butt
Marketers have already cast their vote in the great butt versus face debate. Anti-wrinkle cream is usually in one of the overly bright cosmetic aisles surrounded by images of models with white teeth and cascading waves of hair. Retailers pipe in soothing music to compliment the smell of lavender wafting from un-creased pastel boxes.
The creams necessary to combat butt acne, however, are generally found on the bottom shelf of the darkest aisle in the store, sandwiched between hemorrhoid cream and Epsom salts. More often than not, half of the meager butt-oriented options lay crumpled on the dingy linoleum floor where previous customers have dropped them and fled in fear of other shoppers witnessing their shame.
3. Facial products smell of talcum and perfume
Butt powder smells of menthol and rubbing alcohol.
Enough said.
4. You can't express emotions with your butt
Can you smile with your butt? Can you show intrigue with your butt? Can you send your insensitive ex on the guilt trip of the century with your butt? Can you talk your way out of a speeding ticket with your butt? (OK, maybe you CAN do that last one, but still.)
Your butt is rather limited in the range of emotions it can convey. I'm not saying it's incapable of expressing sentiments, I'm just saying most of them aren't the ones for which you'd like to be known.
5. You'll never find your butt in a family photo album
Have you ever looked back at a photo album of your butt? I'm assuming you, dear reader, are NOT a Kardashian.
6. Clothing covers up your body but not your face
Lycra is a modern marvel. Now you can buy jeans to lift and separate those cheeks. The right bra can give my grandmother the tits of Jennifer Lawrence. Entire retail stores exist with the sole purpose of selling shapewear. Shapewear!
And do any of those stores carry a garment that lifts and tightens your face while providing a convenient bodily function slit allowing you to eat and drink? Let me stop you right there. BDSM masks do NOT create the illusion of high cheekbones. Try again.
7. Your butt will still look the same whether or not you get beauty sleep
Ever had to try and hide creases on your butt cheeks after drinking too much wine and falling asleep while spooning your cat? Sleep never adversely affects your butt. No one wakes up to dark under-butt circles from staying out too late, nor do they complain about waking up in a stranger's bed with their butt makeup ragged and running.
Your butt looks exactly the same whether it stays up to 2 AM binge-watching Orange is the New Black or goes to bed at 8 PM. Good luck getting your face to do that.
8. There's entirely too much work involved in improving your butt
Lunging doesn't do a damn thing to minimize my pores, thank heavens. Nor do burpees prevent my lipstick from feathering beyond my lip liner. The chances of me tearing a rotator cuff while applying rejuvenating complex at my temples are non-existent.
9. A butt that can kiss back doesn't exist
On average, I'd estimate I tell someone to kiss my butt 17 times a week. While my butt has the capacity to pucker, it doesn't have the ability to kiss. Only my face can do that. Added bonus: there's a tongue, too.
10. You don't sit on your face ... you sit on other people's faces
You're out for a night on the town in your sexiest ensemble. Those f-me pumps that make your butt as buoyant as a pair of sequined helium balloons are permanently disfiguring your pinky toes with every mincing step you take toward the bar.
You spot an open stool. Relief is in sight. Are you going to plop down on your face with relief? No. You don't sit on your face. You sit on other peoples' faces. That was the whole point of those stupid shoes in the first place, right? Instead, you could've just slapped on a couple of extra coats of mascara and smiled. The club's far too crowded for him to see your booty anyway.
And if all else fails, I hear tunics are back in this season. That's a win-win situation.
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Elly London is a writer and contributor to Scary Mommy. She is the author of Amongst the Liberal Elite.