The 2 Most Powerful Reasons We Fall In Love With The People We Do

How to break unhealthy patterns by embracing what we truly need.

Couple rushing to each other ViDI Studio | Shutterstock

When we fall in love, we believe it's because we have so much in common with the person — or maybe that it's fate. That's why, when reality hits, we often feel like we've been duped. The person isn't a perfect match. In fact, it feels like they bring out some of our biggest challenges. 

It turns out, those challenges are the real reason we fall in love with people. Here's why: Our partners inevitably and unwittingly do things to trigger hidden, unfulfilled needs. This causes conflict and we think we've chosen the wrong partner but most of the time, this isn't true. We've probably chosen exactly the right partner to help us resolve our wounds.


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These are two of the most powerful reasons we fall in love 

1. The need to heal abandonment and trust issues

These two lessons go hand in hand. Early issues of abandonment cause you not to trust the people you love. The abandonment doesn't have to be serious, it could be something as simple as having been left to cry in your crib for a long time. The truth is that all of us struggle with abandonment and trust to some degree.

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2. The need to feel worthy of love

This is the bottom line reason we get into relationships. Everyone struggles with this at some point in their lives. Learning to feel worthy of love is an inside job. You have to learn how to love yourself first before others in your life will reflect that love to you. This is the biggest lesson of all and for everyone to remember. No matter what has happened to you, no matter what you've done or not done in your life, you are still a precious human being worthy of great love.

Group of friends all fall in love Nuva Frames via Shutterstock

The next time you think you've chosen the wrong partner, think again. Take a good look at the dynamics of the relationship and ask yourself what they mean. Can you remember an earlier time when you felt like this? Ask yourself what need or needs you are trying to meet. 


Moving through these dynamics while you're in a relationship can be challenging, and you may need a trained coach or therapist to help you. The alternative is repeating unhealthy patterns in each successive relationship you have.

RELATED: 5 Horrific Ways Your Abandonment Issues Are Ruining Your Relationship

Johanna Lyman is a culture and leadership development expert. She is the Principal Consultant and Practice Leader for Culture and Inclusion at Kadabra.