Psychology Says People Who Struggle To Improve Often Make This One Mental Error
There's a right way when it comes to changing who you are.
See Plus | Unsplash Self-improvement is not fun. It's not interesting, and it's definitely not quick. In fact, if you're properly improving yourself, you quickly realize that it's miserable, boring, tedious, and slow.
I think about the position I've gotten to in my life, and I remember that for most of my 38 years on this planet, I wasn't anywhere near this person. It wasn't until I made deliberate, continuous, consistent attempts at getting better every day for five years that I made a real change in my life.
People are seduced by the outcome of self-improvement, but they're repelled by the process. A 2012 study found that individuals tend to overestimate their abilities and underestimate the challenges involved in self-improvement, leading to unrealistic expectations and potential discouragement. Since the process is the way to the outcome, their lack of interest in it guarantees they'll never achieve any remarkable results.
Psychology says people who struggle to improve often make this one mental error
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A rigorous definition of self-improvement is any activity initiated by a person's own efforts that produce a positive, quantitatively measurable change in their life, which observers can verify independently of the improver.
I often reflect on this when I think about my life as a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober for nine years, and one of the major reasons I made that choice is that my drinking habits were holding me back from getting a better job, making more money, and improving my position in life.
Honesty is crucial when you're trying to improve yourself. If you deceive yourself about the objective condition of your life, you won't be able to understand why you're not getting the results you want or why you keep getting results that you don't want.
It would have been easy to blame my lack of progress on my upbringing or on my focus on boxing, but that would have been dishonest. By focusing on what I could measure and verify independently of myself, I could make a change. For example, I could count how often I had a drink, and someone else could (in theory) verify whether or not I had been drinking.
These measurable changes had a trickle-down effect on every other area of my life. I didn't work on my inner demons and feelings right away because I was focused on making measurable progress.
However, I believe that external progress motivates internal introspection when things are bad, not the other way around. In other words, you don't really have time to worry about the "why" of your problems when the "how" is so close to destroying you.
Objective areas of self-improvement & Maslow's hierarchy of needs
Objective, measurable self-improvement can take place in three areas of your life: health, wealth, and relationships. While there are other essential areas, such as psychological, spiritual, and emotional, focusing on these three takes care of the base of the hierarchy of needs.
According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, humans desire self-actualization, but certain preliminary needs must be met first. Self-actualization can be thought of as finding your purpose and using your individual talents to contribute to the world. However, this cannot be achieved if you're worried about survival or lack a social tribe to depend on.
The first three levels of the hierarchy of needs deal with the objectively measurable areas of improvement:
- Things money can buy to survive
- Healthcare
- Relationships
Only after these fundamental needs are taken care of can we move on to things that lead to self-actualization.
An objective measure of self-improvement helps you focus on what truly matters and prioritize the issues in your life. It prevents you from wasting time and energy on areas that are not the source of your misery, dysfunction, or lack of progress.
Consider the following example: I've talked to several guys who claim they're depressed and can't make more money, get in shape, or find a girlfriend. However, I believe they have the order wrong. They're depressed because they won't improve their finances, get in shape, or become more attractive.
Let me clarify my meaning and intention: I am not claiming that self-improvement is a cure for clinical depression.
However, what many people mistake for depression is often a call to self-improve in a measurable, objective, and independently verifiable manner. In fact, I'd even say that most people only show interest in self-improvement when they're lacking in those objectively measurable areas. But when you lack wealth, health, and relationships, the road to improvement is rarely glamorous, often difficult, and never quick.
What real self-improvement looks like
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Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. No one else can tell you to fix your personal life.
They can try, but you won't listen until you feel the sting, and it becomes too difficult to lie to yourself. Only then can the tedious work begin.
The good news is that all the objectively measurable areas of self-improvement bleed together.
I remember my problems with alcohol. It wasn't until I could look at myself in the mirror and admit I was a loser that I became a winner. I had to take an objective assessment of my income and prospects for increasing it, and realize that I was broke.
If you lack social life and relationships, you can't get a date, then lowering your body fat, and building muscle will make you healthy and more attractive. Picking up a hobby will make you more interesting and expose you to a new social group to bond with.
Choosing between paying rent on time and having a full tank of gas is a tough situation to be in. Increasing your income is a direct solution to such problems. It also makes you more interesting, disciplined, and financially secure.
This can lead to spending quality time with friends, meeting new people, and making yourself an attractive partner for a romantic relationship. Self-improvement is not an overnight fix.
It takes time and effort to build new health habits, repair old relationships, create new ones, and acquire skills to make more money. It takes a minimum of 1-3 years to see significant change. However, the growth is real, visible, undeniable, and objective.
Objective growth does not solve emotional problems, but it puts you in a better position to seek help and deal with them.
With money, you can finally focus on solving issues without distraction. A year of working out and watching your diet is enough to see progress in your health.
By analyzing your call logs and text messages, someone can see if you're making a stronger effort in your relationships. Looking at your credit score or bank account shows progress in dealing with finances.
Celebrating small milestones is good, but it may take 1-3 years to achieve the ultimate outcome. Thus, it's important to focus on the process of self-improvement. After years of hard work, you may find yourself living the life of your dreams.
Ed Latimore is a retired American professional boxer, influencer, and best-selling author. His work focuses on self-improvement and a practical approach to stoic philosophy.
