5 Secret Qualities Of People Who Attract True Love & True Friends

Yes, they're charismatic. But they make that work for them by doing these things, too.

group of friends posing for photo Jacob Lund / Shutterstock

When we hear about "secrets of attraction," dating, romance, and flirting tips are what immediately leap to mind.

But being attracted to someone can be romantic or platonic, and the keys to making people attracted to you are, at their essence, the exact same in your social life as in your romantic life.

Doesn't it seem like the people who are happiest in their relationships are surrounded by the greatest friends, and vice versa? That's because people who know how to build deep, important relationships — both romantic and platonic — are doing things a little differently than most people.


There is a way to build a friendship that goes beyond the surface, that makes you magnetic to people. And as a dating coach, I can tell you I've seen this type of friendship groundwork with a person lead to deep romance more times than I can count.

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Here are five things people who attract love & make friends do differently 

1. They ask thoughtful personal questions

Of course, this is rule No. 1. It's a tried-and-true relationship builder for a whole host of reasons.

People love to feel interesting to others. In our often surface-level world, if a person asks you a thoughtful question about yourself and genuinely wants to hear the answer, you're going to take notice.

You'll feel special, like you stand out from the crowd, because of who you are as a person.

You'll feel freer to share even more — and showing more of your real self to someone will make you feel closer to them.

You will like the person because they're demonstrating that they like you by wanting to know more about you. We like people who like us.


And when you're the one who's asking these thoughtful personal questions, everyone will feel this way about you.

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2. They dig even deeper

Asking a litany of interesting personal and respectful questions is the first step to building trust and intimacy. But asking one thorough question per topic isn't demonstrating the depth of your interest.

Dig deeper into the things someone tells you about their life. Ask follow-up questions that get to the heart of why the person has that emotion, loves or hates that one thing, or is driven by x, y, or z interest.

It's mutually beneficial — the more in-depth you get someone to go, the more excited they'll be to talk to you. Conversations on that level don't come around every day, and the person will be overjoyed to go deep on their oft-overlooked quirk or passion.


And the more excited someone is in sharing with you, the more genuinely interesting and alluring you will find their conversation and company to be, too.

RELATED: 7 Strong Communication Skills People Who Know How To Make Friends Have In Common

3. They actually listen and don't just wait to talk

You've been there, right? Someone asks you a question, but it's clear they want you to finish talking because they were really just teeing up something they wanted to say about themselves.

Don't be that person.

Listen — really listen — when someone is talking to you. Demonstrate you're taking in what the other person is saying by offering supportive comments and clarifying questions.


Let someone know they're truly being heard, and you've created trust and intimacy.

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4. They share in a vulnerable way

Here's the kicker: don't only ask questions. This isn't an interview.

Asking question after question while keeping a guard up around your own feelings and experiences comes off as nosy, unbalanced, and even aggressive at times.

Don't just put someone in the hot seat. Let the person know it's safe to open up by sharing your own emotions, fears, challenges, and hopes.


When you're the first to be vulnerable, you're letting the other person know it's okay to be vulnerable too.

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5. They are 'three-dimensional' people

People feel the freedom to expose the full range of who they are to you when you show that you're not just the "fun and silly friend" or just the "thoughtful and serious friend." In serious moments, find light and humor; in frivolous moments, find some gravitas.

You're not just any one thing, and this shows you can be a great friend or romantic partner in any and all situations you'll face.

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Alyssa Dineen is a dating coach and stylist with 20-plus years of experience. Alyssa started Style My Profile to help people entering the modern world of online dating increase their matches and meet quality partners by perfecting their dating profiles.