People Who Grew Up Feeling 'Not Pretty Enough' Usually Need These 5 Reminders Most
Katherine Mihailova | Pexels Learning how to love yourself and practice self-acceptance is hard when you don't feel pretty enough. Do you continually feel that you are not attractive? While enough research has gone into finding out what people consider attractive in other people based on gender, age, income, and various other criteria, one thing is clear.
Not everybody matches the “ideal” of being attractive. Logically speaking, everybody on the entire planet won’t live up to the standards of attractiveness, and some may even say, 'What’s the fuss about it?' But, look at the age we live in. While most of us don’t link our leanings towards attractiveness as being part of being innately “animal”, day in and day out, we send out not-so-subtle messages through our media, our advertising, and our entertainment channels.
What this creates is a constant atmosphere of keeping up with what looks good, as well as comparisons with those standards. And one can easily imagine how that affects anyone who does not cut being an “attractive” person. No,w if you break this down further, you might see why unattractiveness is both a real and often an unacceptable thing. Attractiveness is instinctively linked to a better shot at life, mate-finding becoming easier (“better” mates to be found as well), and acceptability and validation from other members of the social group.
The way the human species has evolved, this drive has become fairly unconscious, despite continuing to dictate many of our survival decisions, from the shadows. The point is: how do you cope when you grew up feeling not pretty enough?
People who grew up feeling not pretty enough need these 5 reminders most:
1. Beauty is subjective
Messages around beauty are so stuffed into our faces that we often forget all that goes into making a person, quote-unquote, beautiful, according to a superficial definition: great genes, makeup, and even software brushes! Let’s admit that we live in a time of excess where bigger, better, and more are terms that we have to co-exist with, even if they are not being used in every conversation.
As they say, it’s in the air. What’s really important at such a time is to look at the phenomenon of “beauty” with a keen objectivity. Is it everything? How is it achieved? What are the messages around beauty trying to tell us? Is beauty just a matter of convenience? These are questions I often end up asking while going through articles, news stories, and while conversing with friends. You’re free to look at the phenomenon the way you want, but some amount of distance from it could help you come to terms with how superficial most conventional beauty standards are.
Over 90% of young people in the US, France, and the UK regularly use beauty filters on social media, according to research from City University of London. These filters don't just apply digital makeup but actually reshape jaws, noses, eyes, and body size using AI algorithms programmed with specific beauty standards that blend genetics, professional editing, and software tricks into something that looks real but isn't naturally achievable.
2. Beauty comes with its own issues
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Another message that has often been overplayed is this: everything is taken care of when you’re beautiful. The media creates the narrative that beauty means more happiness, more friends, more money, and the list literally goes on.
The darker aspects aren’t covered: that even beautiful people are often insecure, that the world values other qualities like effectiveness and skills as much or even more than beauty, and that beauty fades. As much as these might sound philosophical, the fact is that they are all true.
Have you ever wondered to what lengths people go to attain a sense of beauty? Eating disorders are a case in point. In her book Girl in the Mirror: Mothers and Daughters in the Years of Adolescence, author Nancy Snyderman talks of how eating disorders can be directly linked with a preoccupation with beauty.
Even speaking of less serious beauty-related issues, beautiful people often secretly wonder if they are being accepted and loved only because they look the way they do. So you see how the grass on the other side isn’t necessarily greener.
3. Your inner critic lies
The way of the world is that the human collective puts a certain value and worth on beauty. Our art, design, musical compositions, and a lot more in creation address the underlying spirit of beauty. And whether we like it or not, aesthetics and living up to them become a big part of human existence. This means that when you figure out you’re probably nowhere close to all those faces that appear on billboards and magazines, that internal voice that wants things a specific way gets activated.
This part of us is often referred to as the inner critic. And the inner critic can be ruthless. Especially if it has fed on other human voices that haven’t approved of your looks or physical beauty. This side of us is intrinsically connected with our primary years and what our primary caregivers made us feel about ourselves. The self-critical voice, once you’ve registered its presence, needs to be worked upon. I’m not saying it's easy, but with enough mindfulness and rigour, you can develop alternate voices that can counter the harsh criticism that comes from this side of you.
Scientists studying people who successfully overcome harsh self-criticism discovered something pretty interesting about what actually works: Treating yourself with the same kindness you'd show a close friend when your inner critic gets loud is way more effective than trying to ignore or argue with those negative thoughts.
4. Looks fade — personality doesn't
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In the quest for beauty and physical attractiveness, we often forget something that’s equally or even more important: our personality. It's the one thing that shines through, whether we are considered beautiful or not. Our personality is a total of our experiences, our skills, how we engage with ourselves, and what we bring to the world.
Although this is a rough summation of the whole gamut of possibilities, you can imagine that our personalities do need work and, given the attention it deserves, can be our prime focus and also the focus of those we come in contact with. It is a lifetime worth of commitment, and change can be slow, but as many seekers have recounted, it is a path that only allows for more growth and acceptance.
Research shows that when people learn about someone's positive personality traits, like honesty and helpfulness, they literally start to see that person as better looking than they initially thought. Your personality can actually change other people's perception of your physical attractiveness, which means who you are as a person, not what you look like, affects how attractive others find you.
5. Expectations aren't reality
Coming to terms with something that the world at large questions, is difficult. To believe that acceptance will come from outside and then make its way inside is setting yourself up for disappointment. The journey has to start within until acceptance is such a given, that most people around you won’t question your stance.
Accept that coming to terms with the gap between reality and expectations takes time. If you consider yourself unattractive, it’s probable that you secretly crave acceptance from the world around and keep hoping the air clears out for you to be exactly who you are.
For that to happen, the journey for you to accept yourself must begin. You might see old patterns of thinking again and again, but the point of developing self-awareness is to accept it all as it emerges. While working on strategies to come to terms with how you look, you must remember all those things that work in your favor.
It could be your humor, the way you quickly make connections, or even the way you make people feel at ease in social circles. Making space for what works on your behalf while you begin implementing the coping strategies can be helpful and much less overwhelming emotionally.
Sunanda Pati is a certified expressive arts therapist and facilitator and a freelance creative writer.
