People Who Are Good At Small Talk Almost Always Use One Phrase So There's No Awkward Silence
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock If there's one thing that can divide people's opinions, it's small talk. Many individuals can't stand engaging in it and find it unnecessary, wanting to talk about anything other than the weather. But others insist that small talk is vital in getting to know someone new.
Wherever you fall on the spectrum of conversations and small talk, the reality is that it's nearly impossible to avoid. But if you know the right way to go about it, it might seem far less daunting and anxiety-provoking.
People who are good at small talk tend to use one phrase that helps them avoid awkward silences.
Stanford lecturer Matt Abrahams explained that while small talk may seem trivial, it can often encourage the best results in finding common ground. By allowing others to discover unexpected shared interests and values, we can work towards forming better connections with people with whom we might not have thought could be a part of our lives.
Despite people knowing that introverts don't really enjoy socializing, extroverted people feel similar in some cases as well. Around 74% of introverts don't like small talk, but 23% of extroverts also don't enjoy it. Additionally, 71% of Americans prefer silence to small talk, and that sports and current events are the topics they dread most.
Dmytro Zinkevych | Shutterstock
When someone enjoys small talk, they use the phrase 'tell me more'.
Abrahams recalled being inspired by his mother-in-law's communication skills, particularly one of her favorite phrases.
"'Tell me more' is a support response; it supports what the other person is saying. The opposite is a 'shift' response,' which is a statement that shifts the conversation back to you," Abrahams explained. "If your friend complains about their annoying upstairs neighbor, you might say, 'Yeah, you wouldn't believe what my neighbor's been putting me through. His party last night didn't break up until after 3 a.m.'"
Abrahams continued, "You've just shifted the conversation back to you and your concerns rather than inviting your small talk partner to contribute even more."
So, a conversation doesn't work if you don't allow the other person to speak, or when you're only listening just so you can wait your turn to interject and talk about your own experiences. The more comfortable someone feels opening up to another person, the easier they can do it.
By giving a person space to speak and inviting them to share more, you're one step closer to building a connection and bond with that individual.
A 'shift response' isn't always a bad thing to use, but a 'support response' encourages a more open conversation.
"In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses. Other people want to learn about us, and we don't want to come across as withdrawn or secretive," Abrahams revealed. "So many people make the mistake of treating other people's stories as openings for them to talk about themselves. But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more."
Instead of thinking about the conversation as it relates to us, the best responses we can have are ones that encourage someone else to open up. Things like "What happened next?" or "What excited you about that?" take conversations from small talk to something deeper.
It might seem difficult at first, but the more you work on small talk and conversational skills, the easier it becomes. And then, before you know it, you'll be an expert yourself at moving past informal conversations into ones that have actual depth.
Vera Prokhorova | Shutterstock
Small talk isn't just polite conversation, it boosts our social skills.
A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that when people did a week-long scavenger hunt in which they had to find strangers and approach them, meaning speaking to them, they grew more optimistic and confident about their conversational skills every day.
Lead researcher Gillian Sandstrom explained the findings, saying, "We all have this negative voice in our heads that tells us we're not very good at this social stuff. But the data suggest that people actually like you more than you think they do."
So, when you find yourself at a party or event and don't know anyone there, don't be afraid to strike up a conversation. When you've developed a skill like this, it will never leave you no matter how much time passes.
And soon enough, conversations and small talk won't seem so scary and unnecessary.
Nia Tipton is a writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
