How Growing Up In A Chaotic House Changes Your Mind & Body — And 3 Steps To Heal It
Growing up in chaos makes being stressed out your default setting.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Growing up in chaos can mean having a parent experiencing addiction, mental illness, or relationship problems. A chaotic home life may also result from circumstances beyond anyone's control, like poverty, illness, war, or political unrest. Sometimes a parent's personal problems are to blame. Regardless of the reason, a chaotic home can cause lasting effects, but it isn't a life sentence.
On a recent episode of the Open Relationships: Transforming Together podcast, host Andrea Miller learned about the effects of a chaotic childhood from Harvard neuroscientist, neurosurgeon, and author of the best-selling book Mind Magic, James Doty, who has since passed away. Doty, who grew up in a highly chaotic home, found a way to heal and achieve great success despite all the chaos and shared his insights. His learnings inspired millions during his prolific life, and his appearance in this podcast is no exception.
Growing up in a chaotic house changes your mind & body — the 3-step process that helps fix it
Your mind writes a fear narrative
Dealing with childhood trauma may make you feel on-edge. But, is that surprising?
Doty explains, "When you grow up in these types of environments [...] it's completely unpredictable and chaotic. And as a result, what happens? You never know what's going to happen next."
Because of this, your muscles always feel tense and you might find yourself constantly moving around, summarizes Doty. However, "This is from a fear narrative," he explains, and it doesn't have to last forever.
Your mind thinks your body is betraying you
Going through this physical pain isn't easy. Between the tingling sensations, shaking hands, and tense muscles, it might feel like your body is constantly betraying you. However, there is one way to alleviate this tension and Doty learned this trick from an unlikely source.
When Doty was younger, he would ride around his bike going as fast as he could, and during his typical bike rides, he ended up at a strip mall, where there was a magic shop.
Walking into the shop, a woman named Ruth sat at the counter and as he approached her, he couldn't help but feel at peace. Doty looks back at her fondly, describing her as having a “radiant presence” and a “smile that wraps around [you].”
Within 20-30 minutes of having a conversation with her, she told him, “I really like you. I'm here for another six weeks, and if you show up every day, I think I could teach you something that could really help you.” That was the beginning of Dr. Doty addressing the effects of growing up in a chaotic home.
Body awareness helps fix the after-effects of growing up in chaos
Doty continues to explain, “So she taught me a practice that's now recognized in the mindfulness circles [as a] body survey to intentionally relax the muscles throughout my entire body, to get me to a place where I can relax.” After all, Doty confesses, he'd spent years with all of his muscles tensed, waiting for the next chaotic event to occur.
So, if you truly want to fix your body's response to childhood chaos, you need to start by calming your mind first. And the best way to do that is by grounding ourselves back to reality.
By controlling our breathing, our heart rate, and our anxious thoughts — which can all begin with meditation.
Plus, meditation doesn't have to be difficult. Just taking ten minutes a day to light a candle and take in your surroundings can be surprisingly easy. However, it's up to you to build that habit first.
1. Focus on something to keep you in the present
The flickering of a candle can be a great tool for this. Focus lightly on that flicker and take deep breaths. Let the air move through you and your thoughts pass by.
2. Assess your body
Start at the top of your head and just observe how it feels.
Is it aching? Itchy? Don't judge it, just observe it. Then move down. How is your forehead? Is it tense? Are your eyebrows raised or crunched together. Again, don't judge it, just observe it.
Continue doing this all the way down your body and let yourself be present. This won't always be easy. Thoughts will jump into your mind, an itch will call for you to scratch it (which is OK!). You can be comfortable while still relaxed.
3. Relax the muscles you feel tensed
Think to yourself "soften" or "easy" and move through, one-by-one. If these words don't resonate, move on to another that feels simple and relaxing. Maybe imagining a warm light on that muscle is more effective than a word. Whatever works for you is good, there are no rules!
This skill may not come naturally at firrst, but you will get there. Like anything else, doing a body survey is a skill and you'll get better at it.
The benefits of this type of relaxation are many. Lowering stress is good for your mind and your body, it can even reduce some of the stress markers associated with heart attacks!
Regardless of your motivation, growing up in a chaotic home can have lasting effects. You deserve relief from these and to break the cycle of chaos in your own home.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
