When A Friend Says 'I’m Fine' But Something Feels Off: 3 Signs They’re Really Struggling
Cottonbro | Pexels Discussing what’s going on in your personal life isn’t always easy, even for people who have known each other for years. Life gets busy for all of us, and oftentimes someone who’s struggling may not even realize they need help; they may even say they're fine, even though something feels off to you. That’s where friends come in.
As someone who can look at your friend from an outsider’s perspective, you can help them realize if they’ve begun to change and need to get help. Sometimes it may feel difficult to do that, so it’s important to know what you can look for in your friend to realize they’re struggling.
Here are 3 signs a friend is really struggling even if they say they're fine:
1. Your friend has gone quiet
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It’s common for people who are friends and family to communicate with each other on an almost daily basis. Whether you text all the time with your friend or catch up every couple of days, you should know what regular communication is for them.
Although sometimes people may go through periods of time not wanting to be socially connected, it’s a warning sign if you feel your friend is completely stepping away. They may stop texting and calling all at once, which would be easier to recognize.
Most of the time, people withdraw from friends slowly. Texts or phone calls will slow to a complete halt. They may not respond to communication at all.
When someone who normally texts back within minutes starts taking days, or stops reaching out altogether, that silence can be the loudest signal of all. Research confirms that pulling away from the people closest to you is one of the earliest and most consistent signs that something deeper is going on beneath the surface.
Try to figure out what to say when you get in contact with them so there’s no chance you’ll come across as confrontational. That will only drive them further away.
2. Your friend's mood has shifted in ways that feel off
Mood swings can be attributed to more than just hormones, especially in young people. Depression and anxiety are just some of the conditions that can cause people to react with violent outbursts of anger or sudden waves of crying.
Your friend may have smaller mood changes, like not laughing at something they’d usually find funny. Keep an eye on their disposition and frequently offer a listening ear for anything they may need to get off their chest.
Sometimes a struggling friend just stops laughing at things they used to find funny, or seems emotionally flat in ways you can't quite put your finger on. Licensed counselor Brittney Lindstrom notes that when someone is really struggling, they're often the last to recognize it themselves, which makes your outside perspective one of the most important things you can offer.
3. Your friend's energy seems way off
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When someone is struggling with something, their energy levels spike at different times. At first, it can look like a positive thing. They might have more energy during work and become more productive.
It could also mean they wake up in the middle of the night and can never go back to sleep, or that they need to nap frequently during the day. This can stem from several things, so if your friend seems to be acting strangely or complains about their energy levels, be gentle and ask if there’s anything they want to talk about.
According to research, fatigue is one of the most prevalent symptoms of depression, affecting an estimated 73–97% of people with major depressive disorder. When someone's baseline energy patterns shift noticeably and consistently, it's worth a gentle check-in.
People who are struggling with a personal and private challenge will need friends by their side more than ever. Don’t be afraid to ask your friend if everything’s ok, and if need be, gently push for them to talk about what’s on their mind if they try to explain away something that seems wrong.
Ultimately, they have to be the ones to want to get help, but letting them know you’ll be by their side no matter what is a great first step in getting them pointed in the right direction. It can be hard to remember to check in on your friends.
Therapist Sara Denman reminds us that depression actively works against connection, which means a friend who's struggling may not reach out even when they need it most, making your willingness to show up one of the most meaningful things you can do.
As our responsibilities increase, we often assume we’re too busy to sit down and talk with those we care about, or things could even seem too personal to share sometimes. However, it’s important to keep reaching out to those you care about and check in on them.
It can really make a difference in their life, and afterward, they may even need you by their side to reach out to others who can help them further. Keep your friends on your priority list even as you’re hitting those personal 2019 #goalz.
Kate Harveston is a writer who focuses on love and relationships.
