I'm 45 And Didn’t Understand Why I Felt So Lonely — Until I Realized I Was Missing A 'Third Place' In My Life
TatyanaGl | Canva What is a third place? Not your house. Not your work. A third place where you can exist just for fun and bump into people you know. Sound unfamiliar? I’m not surprised.
Common third places like churches are emptying, and coffee chains fire you through like you’re being served by a pump-action shotgun filled with espresso.
I'm 45 and didn't understand why I felt so lonely, until I realized I was missing a third place in my life
White Noiise / Pexels
But a life without a third place is a life of loneliness and isolation. A life that exists only to work. Go home. Go to work. Go home. Go to work. Where does it end? It ends in third place.
The days before cell phones
Journalist Dan Kois regales us with tales of life before cell phones. Where you knew the three or four places after work, your friends would be. If you went there, you’d usually bump into someone you know.
Think Central Perk from Friends. If Ross gets bored, he can head to Central Perk and just hang out till someone he knows shows up.
This isn’t a feeling I know. When I lived in Glasgow, I constantly wanted to try new places. I didn’t even go to the same Starbucks often enough to recognize the staff who were being churned through.
At the time, I thought it was great because I had this idea of being a lone wolf in my head. But I was just that: Lonely.
After I gave up my job to go full-time on my solo business, it got worse. I was interacting with even fewer people, and I was miserable. I didn’t have a third place I could go. I barely had a second place I could go since I worked from home (this was in 2017, before the 2020 pandemic made working from home cool).
It took years before it got better. I thought more work would help — forget capitalism — so I isolated myself further so I could work more. I had no idea what I was missing was a community around me. A third place I could go just to exist.
Walking my dog: My accidental third place
When I got my dog, I thought I’d explore the Scottish countryside to find new adventures. But the real joy came from my usual walking route. I’d see the regular dog walkers, and we’d stop for a chat. One of the old guys I see tells me all about the tractor he’s restoring. I love it.
It clicked. It was these small acts of kindness I’d been missing. It’s this casual socializing that builds community. These all happen at your third place and are all important interactions that take you out of isolation.
This is why lockdowns were so damaging. A lot of these casual interactions disappeared, and many of us are finding it hard to start them up again. But we can and we must. We need third places for our happiness.
"I’ll have my usual": A phrase I’ve always wanted to be able to say. I couldn’t tell you why until I learned about third places. It’s because there’s a sense of belonging when you can order your usual.
It happened recently in my favorite cafe in Nairn — Wendy’s. I was at the back of the cafe, not wanting to crowd the counter, and the woman who works there looked at me and shouted, "Two cappuccinos?" An instant smile spread across my face. "Yes, please!"
Another time, the owner, Wendy, saw my wife and me and asked if she knew us from somewhere. The same woman from before said, "What are you talking about? They come in all the time. That’s why you know them!"
Such a simple interaction has brought more meaning to my coffee buying than I could ever express. A third place is born.
Here are four rules for creating a third place in your life
1. Your third place has to be somewhere public where you can linger without judgment
A few ideas:
- Your favorite cafe
- The climbing gym
- The dog park
- Yoga class
- Church
Don’t overcomplicate it. Head somewhere you like going and start going there regularly. Sociologist Dr. Alicia M. Walker explains that third places matter precisely because they remove the pressure to perform or produce.
You just show up as a person among other people, and that low-stakes presence is what allows real connection to grow over time. No invitation, no agenda, just a willingness to be there.
2. Go to your third place at around the same time on the same days
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I used to be sporadic about when I went to the gym, so I’d rarely see the same people twice. Not least because it was in a hotel. Once I started going around 7 p.m., I started seeing the same 7 p.m. gym goers.
People are creatures of habit. Make the habit of going to your third place, and you’ll find people with the same hobbies.
Psychologist Dr. Craig Sawchuk states that people with regular social rhythms are more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and score higher on measures of overall health. Consistency is less about discipline and more about showing up in the same place until the place starts to feel like yours.
3. At your third place, ask people’s names, introduce yourself, go out on a limb, and say hi
I’m terrible with names, but I always ask. Then I ask again when I forget. People don’t mind, and it makes things even more friendly.
People aren’t scary. If you wouldn’t mind someone saying hi to you, then they probably won’t mind you saying hi to them. Unless it’s in the middle of a meditation class. Then you can save it to the end.
Research shows that people consistently underestimate how much a stranger will enjoy talking to them, and that after a brief conversation, most people like their new acquaintance far more than they expected to. Talking to strangers, even just briefly, has been shown to reduce loneliness, lift mood, and build the kind of casual social confidence that makes community feel possible. Most people are a lot more open to it than we assume.
4. Remember to leave the house — your third place is waiting
It has never been easier not to leave the house. You can work at home, eat at home, and exercise at home. You can get food delivered, drinks delivered, and never see the sun if you don’t want to. But that’s a lonely existence.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that the more isolated people are, the less happy they become, and that brain function and physical health both decline alongside their social disconnection.
Having a third place has stopped me from feeling lonely. It’s stopped me from feeling disconnected and isolated. It will do the same for you. Pick somewhere to go this weekend and head out. You’ll feel better for it.
Kieran MacRae is a writer, podcaster, and thinker who specializes in personal development and working online. He's been featured in publications such as Huffington Post and Goalcast.
