Privileged College Kids Asks How To Help Struggling Friends Without Becoming Their Bank
She said it's hard seeing her friends struggle to afford basic necessities.
Ground Picture | Shutterstock A college student who came into money during her younger years admitted that she feels responsible for taking care of her school friends, but questioned how she should go about it.
She shared her dilemma with Slate's "Dear Prudence," advice column, explaining that she doesn't want to ruin the integrity of her friendships by offering to pay for things and share her wealth, considering many of her friends are not in the same position that she's in financially.
A college student questioned how to help her struggling friends without becoming their bank.
"I am a young woman in college. I spent the first half of my childhood in poverty, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I ended up in my father’s custody. He is wealthy, stable, and has enjoyed a lucrative career," the college student began in her submission. "Consequently, he has provided me with a life of privilege: I don’t have to pay for school, he bought me a place to live, and he gives me a generous monthly allowance."
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She explained that her dad's money has meant that she's pretty much in the clear when it comes to certain expenses, and because of that, she'll occasionally use her money to help her friends. She'll sometimes pay for food when they all go out, but when she hears her friends talk about possibly becoming part-time students because they need to find jobs that'll help them afford certain necessities, she feels compelled to step in, especially because becoming part-time would affect their financial aid.
She admitted that despite no longer living in poverty, she hasn't forgotten the feeling of having expired food in the pantry, the power being turned off because a bill couldn't be paid, or worrying about being evicted because of late rent. But she knows that other issues can arise if she inserts herself into her friend's financial situation.
She pointed out that she doesn't want to create a power imbalance.
"When people want to split the bill, I back down and split the bill because I don’t want anyone feeling indebted to me. Any gift of money I’ve ever given has been and always will be without any strings attached, but I understand that’s not an easy thing to trust," she continued.
She admitted that she's afraid she'll become less of a friend and more of a bank if she starts giving her friends money to survive. "What if my friendships cease to be meaningful, and I become just a resource? One of the reasons I’m not forthright with people about my situation at the beginning is that I want a friendship to develop organically. Is there any way to offer help without jeopardizing the integrity of my friendships, one way or the other?"
While she's definitely in a position to help her friends, it's understandable that she'd feel this sense of responsibility to help them, especially when she can see that they're struggling. However, she shouldn't feel obligated to help her friends if they're not actively asking her for help. There's a difference between genuinely wanting to support the people in your life versus doing it out of a feeling of guilt.
Helping during real hardships is much more beneficial than buying dinner once in a while.
Prudence offered this young woman some truly sound advice. She said, "Decide how much money you want to give away each year and set it aside with a plan to help out friends who are experiencing emergencies, however you define that. I would say dining out is not an emergency, and anything involving extended hospitalization, the sudden loss of housing, or the need to be bailed out of jail probably is. Then give generously and privately."
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It's different if her friends have started a GoFundMe or some other sort of crowdfunding campaign where they're asking for donations. In that case, she's more than welcome to give her friends money and help them with their finances. But if she's just offering because she feels this sense of obligation to give her money to them, it can damage the friendships.
They may feel as if she's only friends with them because she sees them as some sort of charity case. As Prudence explained, if she chooses to give to a struggling friend, she should always preface it by saying, “I received some money from my dad that I don’t need right now, and I would love to give it to you to help you get through this time. There are no strings attached, and we never have to discuss it again.”
There are definitely legitimate charities she can give back to, as well, that help people get back on their feet if she feels strongly about spreading her wealth. But she should reconsider trying to become her friend's personal bank account for anything frivolous, especially when they haven't outright asked or expressed interest in being helped in the first place, because covering the bill at dinner is way different than giving them money to pay for their housing.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
