The Art Of Emotional Intelligence: 5 Habits Of People With Naturally High EQ
Why high-EQ people thrive in conversations and relationships.
Alek Kalinows | Unsplash Want to feel more in control in your life and learn why you do what you do? Why do you act the way you act? It’s all rooted in your level of emotional intelligence. According to Oxford Dictionary, the emotional intelligence definition is: “The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”
Taking control of your own emotions and learning how to improve your emotional intelligence can lead you to a lifetime of happiness. But how do you nurture it? By following the habits of people who have naturally high EQ.
Here are 5 habits of people with naturally high EQ:
1. They learn how to control their thoughts
Our thoughts play a huge role in our level of emotional intelligence and empowerment, which is known as the ‘thought model.’ The thought model does a magnificent job of clearly laying out, in black and white, how the thoughts we’re focusing on impact every aspect of our lives. This is a crucial piece of emotional intelligence: understanding that we feel what we feel because of the thoughts we’re focusing on.
Research shows that people with higher emotional intelligence perform better at managing their emotions by controlling their thoughts. When you learn to observe and direct your thinking rather than being controlled by it, you gain power over your emotions and how you respond to life.
2. They let themself feel all of their emotions, not just the good ones
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The other crucial piece of emotional intelligence is allowing ourselves to feel the full range of emotions that life sends our way. Not just the happy, “easy-to-feel-emotions,” but also the more difficult emotions of disappointment, sadness, regret, or fear.
The point in life is actually not to feel happy all the time. In fact, “feeling happy” or the quest to be happy shouldn’t be your biggest goal. Why? If you are only looking to feel happy, then you may not push yourself to do more in life.
Some of my scariest and most uncomfortable experiences in life, like starting a business, having kids, and finding love, have given me the most happiness in the end. People who accept their emotions without judgment experience better mental health, greater life satisfaction, and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety, research has shown. When you allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, you build the emotional resilience needed for a meaningful life.
3. They honor their inner truth, even when it's uncomfortable
People are meant to be emotional beings, and should embrace all of their emotions in order to live a fully expressed life. In the same way that we can not paint a picture only using one or two colors, we can not live a fully experienced life when we’re only appreciating or giving value to the happy, feel-good emotions.
I like how Dr. Todd Kashdan puts it: “Live your life in a way that you try to be present in the moment with a mindset of curiosity, pursuing life, pursuing what matters most to you, and on the way of doing that, sometimes you’ll be happy, sometimes you won’t.”
4. They know they'll have off days, and that's okay
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We’re not always going to feel happy, and that’s okay. Imagine a waiter at a party walking around with a tray of emotions instead of hors d’oeuvres. Our instinct is to only pick the good and juicy ones.
Yet, realize how there are many times in life when happy is not the emotion you would choose. If you were always happy, it would be strange during sad moments or painful experiences, right? If someone dies or if your friend is struggling, happy is not the emotion that you would choose.
Once we realize that we don’t want to feel happy all the time, we can also see how a good portion of life is not spent in happy, blissful feeling states. In fact, we spend a significant portion of our lives experiencing negative or difficult emotions. This is normal, and this is part of human life.
UC Berkeley research found that being overly concerned about happiness is linked to lower well-being and greater depression, while accepting negative emotions as natural is crucial for mental health. People with high emotional intelligence understand that not every moment calls for happiness, trying to stay constantly positive is exhausting and counterproductive.
5. They stop fighting their inner discomfort
It is not the feeling of difficult emotions that causes us problems; it’s the resistance to feeling them. We tell ourselves we shouldn’t be scared/angry/sad/disappointed over a situation. Sometimes, we get so scared that we can’t handle a certain emotion that, instead of feeling it, we push it away and resist it.
Research shows that suppressing emotions doesn't make them go away; it just hides them temporarily while creating negative psychological and physical health consequences. While people can mask their emotional expressions, studies reveal this strategy actually increases negative feelings, decreases positive ones, and harms overall well-being.
How do we resist it? Over-shopping, over-eating, over-drinking, over-complaining, over-working, and blaming others for our emotions. You can notice if you’re resisting emotions by your actions. If you are reacting to a situation by yelling, eating, shopping, procrastinating, or oversleeping, you may be resisting feeling your emotions.
Susie Pettit is a mindfulness-based cognitive coach and podcast host. She coaches women to live a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.
