Adult Reads An Entry From The Baby Book Their Mom Wrote & Throws The Book Multiple Times — ‘It Made Me Sick To My Stomach’
“I needed to get that notebook away from me after reading that sentence.”
Fizkes / Shutterstock.com Childhood trauma has a way of sneaking up on adults later in life. We’re transported right back to the root of all our frustrations and fears — whether it was a single moment or a collection of memories with a person.
It’s the experience TikToker Rosalee documented recently as they sifted through years of diary excerpts from their mother — who they've had a difficult relationship with, to say the least.
Rosalee found their baby book, yet couldn’t help but throw it down after reading it — ‘It made me sick to my stomach.’
“My natural reaction was to throw it. The dramatic response is what made me laugh. Emotions are always in motion,” they wrote in the caption of the video. “December 12th, 1987, I am just about 3 years old, and my mom is almost 35.”
As they started reading from the book, it felt relatively lighthearted — although they quickly admitted it was one of the first times in a long time they were addressed by name — but it took an unsettling turn.
“You used the microwave oven all by yourself for the first time,” they read, “you heated up two cups of chicken noodle soup… It is so wonderful to communicate with you and to know that you are smart enough to do exactly as we say.”
While reading, they noticed sections about their ‘independence’ as a child along with comments about their tendency to ‘cuddle’ with adults.
The memory gave them the knee-jerk reaction to throw the notebook, but what followed only added to their discomfort. “Just this morning, Daddy said that he was jealous of your hospital bear because you were hugging him in your sleep. Then Daddy said, ‘Well, I do get lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day.’”
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On the surface, this excerpt didn’t seem manipulative or unkind; however, Rosalee's childhood experiences with their mother told a different tale. “You’re a hugger and a kisser,” their mother wrote, “but not so much on the cuddling part…you’ve been cuddling nice with grandma and grandpa and always tell us to take a picture.”
“The way they cherish your obedience is so sinister,” one commenter wrote. “Sending light and good vibes to you as you heal.”
Rosalee revealed that their mother has since passed away, but the kind of trauma they held onto remained significant and was reignited through the baby book.
Not only were the baby book excerpts frustrating, but they reminded Rosalee of the trauma they’d experienced with their mother — ‘She created so much chaos.’
Especially for people who didn’t fully process or understand their childhood trauma until adulthood — or even still haven’t unpacked it all, reading a history of your childhood years from the eyes of a perpetrator can open up old wounds.
It’s the reality Rosalee felt overwhelmed by as they continued to comb through — entry by entry — their baby book. Typically meant to provide a recollection of childhood bliss, love, and admiration, this diary was a harsh reminder of their relationship with their mother — from the very beginning, the roots of their trauma with each other.
“I am learning so much from this experience,” they added in a video titled “Reflections” on their TikTok page. “I also feel that [most entries] felt manipulative or conniving… People like my mother can hide in plain sight.”
“I connect with my memories and my feelings and remind myself that how it feels to me is more important than anything,” Rosalee wrote, responding to a comment on their page.
At the end of the day, they can react, feel, or conceptualize this book in their own way — advocating for their own well-being and health. These traumatic, deep-rooted childhood traumas and situations are impossible to heal from overnight — let alone understand.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.