The Art Of Choosing Well: 5 Simple Habits Of Women Who Choose Genuinely Good Men
Lauren Rader | Unsplash You are done with players, elusive cuties, the ones who come on strong and disappear, cheaters, and all-around heartbreakers. You are sick of being disappointed, hurt, betrayed, furious, and depressed. Sick of lying on the couch with the remote and your cell while you go through a whole tissue box worth of tears.
You know that choosing from this pool of nice types will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you, or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. You are ready for a partner who is your best friend. Here are 5 relationship tips you can use to join the lucky ranks of women who found and fell in love with terrific guys.
Here are five simple habits of women who choose genuinely good men:
1. They're willing to date outside their usual type
Even if he is balding, paunchy, or nerdy. In fact, you want to date against your usual type. Be honest with yourself. Has dating your type gotten you anywhere? Even if you are not exactly blown away on the first date, remember to stay open. Go for at least a second or third date.
You cannot know what secret gems are hidden in someone just by meeting them once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.
2. They try the OPEN technique
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If a guy seems crazy about you, is willing to grow, and is a good guy, use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there. First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes.
As you interact, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful. This process often leads to marvelous chemistry and connection!
In a series of studies, people in a six-week summer archaeology course rated each other's attractiveness on day one and again after working together daily. Non-physical traits majorly contributed to their final perception of physical attractiveness — in other words, people can become more (or less) attractive the more you know about them.
3. They use affirmations before each date
I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in him. This man is a present for my enjoyment. More will be revealed about this person. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I find chemistry with him.
Self-affirmation theory shows that reflecting on positive statements before potentially vulnerable situations helps people feel more open, less defensive, and better able to connect authentically. A 2024 study found that people who regularly engage in self-affirmation experience greater relationship satisfaction and more constructive interactions with partners in general.
4. They go on dates that are exciting, novel, and get the adrenaline pumping
Novel experiences can stimulate adrenaline and give you a rush, while exciting dates produce dopamine, the brain chemical of love. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, or rock climbing at your gym; take a helicopter ride; try hiking on a high, winding trail or wind-surfing; make a mad dash to catch a sunset at the beach; scream yourselves silly at a football game or at the racetrack.
Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused — whether by joy, fear, or any other feeling — fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, "Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder."
5. They keep their dates varied, not repetitive
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Plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band, a wine-tasting event, or something else he excels at. You will catch sides of him you haven't seen before. His personal power and charisma will be at their height and just may open up a host of juicy feelings.
According to research from The Society for Personality and Social Psychology, confidence is one of the strongest predictors of romantic attractiveness. When you plan a date around something you or your date is genuinely good at, you're essentially setting the stage to witness each other at your most alive and self-assured.
Remember that love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer.
One of my love mentees who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney look-alike (he was married) later created a gem of a marriage with a short, plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life. So practice these five relationship habits, and your love life will make a 180° turn.
Dr. Diana Kirschner is a PBS Love expert and psychologist, and the author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love.
