The Psychology Of Control: 7 Confusing Ways People Use Silence To Manipulate You
shurkin_son | Shutterstock Manipulative people need to have control, and they will even use silence to get it. By not saying anything at all, they can ramp up your anxiety and guilt until they get exactly what they want. They'll use the silent treatment to keep you confused, which makes you doubt yourself, and eventually it can take a toll on your self-esteem and confidence.
Controlling people use these forms of silence to manipulate and confuse others
1. They'll use the silent treatment to make you feel guilty
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We have all endured the silent treatment at one point. It leaves us desperate to understand what we did wrong. Sometimes, we weren’t the problem at all. By using the silent treatment, manipulative and controlling people can keep you in the palm of their hand. They want you to wonder why they’ve stopped talking to you, and the only way back into their good graces is by apologizing for something you don’t even know you did.
You may not understand what you did wrong because nothing happened. They’re using this tactic to keep you entangled in their web. They make you feel rejected and guilty, willing to do anything to win them back. If you genuinely care about them, you’ll allow the cycle to continue. They know that and use it to their advantage.
2. They shut down mid-argument to keep the upper hand
Arguments get heated. Both people need to be mature to work through issues calmly. If someone is manipulative or wants to get under your skin, they might use stonewalling. This is when someone refuses to continue the conversation. They emotionally withdraw and ignore everything you say.
Shutting down mid-argument is all about holding onto power. They never have to admit fault or even compromise if they completely stop engaging.
3. They give you the cold shoulder to make you crave their attention
Getting the cold shoulder is a terrible feeling. They’re crazy about you one day and cut you off the next. This is a control tactic. They want you to feel like you did something wrong, even if you didn’t.
This is a form of emotional abuse. Giving and then withholding attention is manipulative. They’re trying to punish you, and you may not know you did anything wrong.
The silence of the cold shoulder can make you feel like you need to reach out and try harder somehow. And that's really the point. The controlling person is trying to condition you to be happy when you get scraps of attention and eager to do whatever they want so you don't feel left out.
4. They don't tell you how they feel and make you wonder where you stand
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Radio silence makes you feel insecure in a relationship. When you’re used to talking to that person every day, and they suddenly box you out, they know exactly what they are doing. They want you to feel desperate to get them back.
To avoid being ignored, you might give in to their every wish. You’ll apologize even though they were wrong to begin with and let the emotional neglect slide. They’ve completely manipulated the situation, but you don’t notice because you cared more about getting them to speak to you again.
The manipulator knows that once they use this tactic to get what they want, they’ll do it over and over again. Breaking the cycle is easier said than done because they thrive on controlling the situation. They know you want their affection and love, and they'll use that against you.
5. They come around only when they need something
We’ve all had someone in our life that we only hear from when they need something from us. Somehow, we always end up falling for it and giving into their requests.
We know we'll be burned every time. But we keep believing in them, to our own detriment.
Letting them come in and out of your life when they need something enables their behavior. They know they can count on you to be manipulated. They are using you.
6. They come back as if nothing happened after the silence
Once they’re done manipulating you, they’ll come back as if nothing happened. Often, this type of person is so charming that it works.
This is a classic control tactic. They’ve figured out they can treat you however they want without being held accountable. This person is so good at manipulation that they keep you coming back for more, even after they’ve caused damage.
It’s hard to turn down compliments and attention. A manipulative person knows they can win you back over no matter how long it’s been since they shut you out. They find a way to bring you right back to them. It's confusing because it seems like they really care, but they don't.
7. They exclude you in public to make themselves feel superior
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Most of us would be lying if we said we didn’t care what people thought of us. We want to be liked. If you’re around other people, you want to feel included.
When someone you care about constantly excludes you from conversations or ignores you in public, they are secretly controlling you.
Some controlling and manipulative people are narcissists. Narcissists are more likely to feel ostracized than the average person. To prevent being left out, they throw you under the bus. It’s a win-win for them because they control the social situation and refuse to give you a voice.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
