Women Who Aren’t Wife Material Almost Always Say 9 Phrases In Casual Conversation
Анастасия Быкова | Pexels If you feel like you’ve noticed people getting married later in life or not at all, you’re not imagining it. People’s attitudes about marriage are changing a lot, and many have decided it’s just not right for them.
This is particularly relevant for women, who have not always benefited from marriage. Now that women don’t have to rely on a husband for financial support, some are taking completely different paths. Naysayers might argue that these women simply aren’t wife material, but they probably never wanted to be, and they have no problem speaking up about it.
If a woman says these 9 phrases, she’s probably not wife material:
1. ‘I don’t believe in marriage’
Monkey Business Images via Canva
As marriage rates continue to decline, some women have taken to saying that they just don’t believe in the idea that used to be pretty much non-negotiable. Author Naoise Dolan offered her own opinion when she declared that “marriage is a form of state authority and coercion that I will not endorse through my participation.”
Dolan’s view might sound extreme to some people, but she’s definitely not alone. Now that marriage is more of a choice, many women have reflected on the tradition and found that its only real benefits throughout history have been financial and legal. They might be completely open to the idea of finding love, but becoming a wife isn’t the right choice for them because they don’t want to be a part of the institution it creates.
2. ‘My freedom is too important’
This has become a more nuanced argument now that women have more rights, and it’s hard to say that a woman in the U.S. would actually lose her freedom after marrying when that really does happen in some other countries. Still, women and men are not on equal footing, and coupling up and starting a family seems to exacerbate the problem.
Couples therapist Tonya Lester, LCSW, explained that even though women play a very different role in society now, they are still taught to base their value on what they do as wives and mothers. It makes sense that some women would see this as a loss of independence and decide that the trade-off isn’t worth it to them.
3. ‘Love doesn’t last’
If a woman has been in past relationships that left scars, or has had to watch the marriages of people she cares about crumble, her perspective on love naturally won’t be very positive. For example, a woman who witnessed her parents go through a bitter divorce when she was young probably isn’t eager to rush into matrimony.
Rather than saying that love doesn’t last, it might be more accurate to say it doesn’t stay the same. All relationships go through five general stages, so change happens naturally. A couple might feel infatuated when they first meet, but that doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way. Women who aren’t interested in marriage could feel uncomfortable with the way relationships ebb and flow and think that it’s too much to risk.
4. ‘I don’t trust people easily’
A relationship isn’t going to work without trust, but some people have been through difficult experiences that make it hard for them to rely on others. If someone was abandoned by their parents or let down in past relationships, it makes sense that they wouldn’t feel comfortable putting their trust in someone new, no matter how great they seem.
Some women aren’t wife material, but it’s not because they don’t want to get married and take on the responsibilities that come with it. Instead, they don’t feel like they can safely let another person into their heart because of their past trauma. Marriage should be a choice, but they aren’t really able to make that choice when they can’t get past those barriers.
5. ‘Relationships take too much work’
urbazon from Getty Images Signature via Canva
The truth about whether or not relationships require work is a bit complicated. Technically, they do take some work, just like everything else in life. But, as couples therapist Tasha Seiter, PhD, said, “The healthy kind of relationship work is purposeful, feels growth-inducing, and, while challenging, is ultimately rewarding.”
However, Seiter added that a relationship that makes someone feel like they need to put in more effort because of guilt or fear isn’t healthy. Some women may have experienced this in the past and decided that they don’t want to put themselves through that again.
6. ‘I shouldn’t have to compromise’
Having to compromise doesn’t sound very enticing, but licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia de Llano, LMFT, framed it as a chance for a couple to strengthen their bond. “In a relationship, compromise is an invitation to collaborate with your partner while solving problems,” she said.
But women who are already used to doing life on their own and who don’t have a very favorable view of marriage might not want to compromise with a spouse, whether it’s collaborative or not. If they’re invested in their career and social life, what would they do if their spouse asked them to give it up for motherhood? Sometimes compromise leads to sacrifice, and no one should feel forced to do that.
7. ‘I don’t want to settle down’
The concept of settling down has changed over the years along with marriage. The phrase is actually defined as “to begin to live a quiet and steady life,” but people sometimes act like it’s equivalent to being caged.
This is obviously not the 1950s, and a wife can still go out for girls’ nights and go on vacation without her kids. But getting married is a serious decision that comes with a lot of responsibility. Some women are hesitant to take that on, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
8. ‘My first priority is me’
There are plenty of people who would hear this phrase and think the woman who said it was being selfish, but that’s not true. Our culture guilts people who choose to put themselves first, even though it’s essential if someone also wants to take care of others.
This stigma has led many people to consistently put themselves last and to please everyone else. It’s possible for someone to overcome that, and plenty have, but a woman who is still recovering from people-pleasing and having to remind herself to prioritize her own well-being every day probably wouldn’t be in a hurry to become someone’s wife.
9. ‘I’m focused on my career’
Prathan chorruangsak from prathan chorruangsak via Canva
It wasn’t all that long ago when women didn’t even have the option to work outside the home, and that history still affects people today. Emma Codd, the global DEI officer at Deloitte, said that it’s easy for people to fall into traditional gender roles “unconsciously.” It’s not uncommon for wives to think their husbands’ jobs are more important because that’s just how it is.
In an equal partnership, that woman wouldn’t have to give up her career after getting married, or put her husband’s career before her own. Too many women have found themselves caught in that kind of situation without intending to be, though, so some refuse to become wives altogether.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
