The Biggest Mistake Men Make With Women Happens Mid-Conversation (And Most Don’t Realize How Bad It Sounds)
Mahir KART | Shutterstock I never get writer’s block, and for a good reason: Writing articles for an online community is a feedback loop. I write an article. I get comments on that article. The comments spark a new idea. I wrote that article. I get more comments. I get more ideas. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Since my first piece here, I noticed a pattern: the colossal difference between the kinds of comments women leave and the kinds of comments men leave. (Not always, not without outliers, but overwhelmingly so.)
Women usually leave what I call “Yes, and…” comments.
These comments align with my point and expand on it, referencing their own similar experiences or research. I’m sure they don’t agree with every single word, but they agree overall, so that’s the sentiment they express.
Men usually leave what I call “Okay, but…” comments.
These comments may initially agree or disagree, but they always object and correct. They simply must point out something — a concept, a sentiment, an experience, a word — I could have expressed better. Then they tell me why I’m wrong. Sure enough, I did a little digging, and it’s a proven phenomenon.
The biggest conversational mistake men make with women is called ritual opposition, and boys learn it young
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Deborah Tannen, New York Times bestselling author and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, spent her career studying the sociolinguistic patterns of men and women. These habits begin in childhood and are conditioned differently depending on your gender.
Typically, girls and women are rewarded for blending in. Boys and men are rewarded for standing out. Right down to the pronouns we use (women often use “we,” men often use “I”), our language reflects these dynamics.
In her article, “The Power of Talk: Who Gets Heard and Why,” Tannen wrote:
“[Our culture] will ostracize a girl who calls attention to her own superiority and criticize her by saying, ‘She thinks she’s something’; and a girl who tells others what to do is called ‘bossy.’ Thus, girls learn to talk in ways that balance their own needs with those of others — to save face for one another in the broadest sense of the term.
Boys tend to play very differently. They usually play in larger groups in which more boys can be included, but not everyone is treated as an equal. Boys with high status in their group are expected to emphasize rather than downplay their status, and usually one or several boys will be seen as the leader.”
As a result, women learn to view communication as egalitarian. They build bonds and resolve conflicts by supporting, complimenting, and apologizing to each other. Men, on the other hand, learn to view communication as a hierarchy. They assert dominance by challenging one another, vying for that valuable spot as “the leader.”
In other words, women use language to collaborate, while men use language to compete. And one of men’s most persistent competitive habits, according to Tannen? Ritual opposition.
Ritual opposition is a verbal sparring match in which you play devil’s advocate, trying to “poke holes and find weaknesses” in someone else’s argument. It supposedly serves as a way to test ideas and establish a hierarchy among men.
It may benefit you on a kickball field with your buddies, or in the boardroom at a tech-bro startup, but guess what?
Ritual opposition isn’t effective with women
In fact, it’s counterproductive. While Tannen first coined the phrase in the ’90s, a lot has changed since then.
Now, when ritual opposition is directed towards women, we call it “manterrupting” and “mansplaining” — and since many men subconsciously view women as below them on the hierarchical ladder, they do it more. When speaking to women, opposition becomes their default setting.
In work environments, men interrupt women 33% more often than other men. Instead of attempting to understand our overall point, they’re auditing each word, ready to pounce on any inconsistency or semantic slip-up.
In online environments, ritual opposition often devolves into aggression.
“Many women do not like it,” Tannen wrote in her book, Talking from 9 to 5. “Missing the ritual nature of verbal opposition, they are likely to take such challenges as personal attacks. Worse, they find it impossible to do their best in a contentious environment.”
Personally, I find it annoying. I’m reminded of a petulant child. You tell a kid it’s 6:00, it’s time to go, and they need to put their shoes on, and they say, “It’s not 6:00. It’s 5:57.” Okay, but you know what I mean, I know what I mean, and the point still stands; we need to go, so put your shoes on.
Working with a guy like this is one thing. At least you can enjoy your nights and weekends without hearing the words, “Well, ackshually...”
Dating a contrarian who uses ritual opposition is an absolute nightmare
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Exhibit A: This manchild from Season 1 of Showtime’s documentary series, Couples Therapy.
Somewhere along the line, this guy’s little countering habit developed into an oppositional conversational style. Always the contrarian, he constantly needs to correct, devalue, dispute, and argue with every little detail, totally missing the forest for the trees. (For the record, they’re divorced now.)
When I was single, I met a shockingly large number of men like this.
As soon as they started interrupting, countering, and nitpicking, I was gone. Date over. Relationship doomed. I cannot build a deep, vulnerable bond with someone who’s always looking to say, “Gotcha!”
Because women use language to collaborate, we typically view communication as the glue that holds a relationship together. An oppositional partner is acid, eroding that glue with every conversation — especially when it comes to resolving conflicts.
After researching married couples for decades, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman discovered something he called “the magic ratio.”
In one experiment, Dr. Gottman asked couples to spend 15 minutes attempting to resolve a conflict. He recorded their communication tactics and reviewed the tapes. Nine years later, he was able to accurately predict which couples had stayed together and which couples had gotten divorced.
Successful couples had one thing in common: more positive interactions than negative ones
For every one negative interaction they experienced during a conflict, they had five or more positive interactions. One negative: five positive — the magic ratio.
FYI: Negative interactions include interrupting, invalidating, and being overly critical of your partner.
So what constitutes a positive interaction, according to Dr. Gottman?
Apologizing for hurting your partner, no ifs, ands, or buts. Being interested in what they have to say. Expressing affection, physically or verbally. Intentionally appreciating them. Accepting and validating your partner’s perspective. Finding opportunities for agreement, not disagreement.
Say whatever you want to your boys, but in relationships, ritual opposition is toxic. It creates a barrier to honest, vulnerable communication.
When you’re constantly challenging your partner’s feelings, experiences, and perspective, every interaction feels negative. You’re six for six. A healthy relationship simply cannot thrive under those conditions.
Stop trying to be right, and start trying to understand where your partner is coming from. Otherwise, you may be the biggest man in the boardroom, but you’ll be eating dinner alone.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. She's in the process of publishing her memoir.
