11 Signs You Learned Early On That Love Has Conditions
Sia Footage / Shutterstock Growing up, every child should receive unconditional love from their caretakers. Sadly, that is not always the case. Some people are raised in complicated households.
Some parents are strict and always punish their children rather than praise them for their accomplishments. Others may be volatile, where a child learns early to read the room carefully to keep from causing a stir. One moment, a parent may be loving and supportive. Next, they’d find something to be upset over. They’d take their feelings out on you, which made every day feel like you were walking on eggshells. It’s not easy to learn about the conditions of love at such a young age. You likely carried that feeling into your adult relationships.
These are 11 signs you learned early on that love has conditions
1. You were constantly looking over your shoulder
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When love felt conditional growing up, you were likely looking over your shoulder often. You didn’t want to risk upsetting someone. Whether it was a parent or another caretaker, the thought of doing something wrong terrified you. This could have been because punishment came easily. While they rarely praised you, they were happy to discipline you at any chance. You may have kept your toys organized and cleaned up after yourself to try to prevent an argument.
Conditional love taught you that you were only worthy of receiving love if you were doing something correctly. This may have left you with anxiety, keeping you on your toes so as not to disrupt the peace. Constantly looking over your shoulder to ensure no one was upset with you.
2. You learned how to read a room quickly
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Reading a room is a great habit to have in adulthood. It can help you understand how to approach people based on how they react to certain things. However, as a child, this may have been a necessity. If your caretakers were strict about your behavior, you may have been on edge. You’d have to pick up the energy in the room and act accordingly. If you had guests over, you were likely under even higher scrutiny.
While strict parenting often stems from good intentions, it can also be a sign of conditional love. If you read the room correctly and acted appropriately, your parents may have given you the affection you were seeking. If not, you were likely in for a punishment.
3. Mistakes felt like major failures
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Everyone makes mistakes. It’s a fact of life. When we are growing up, our parents may try to encourage us to be perfect. This can come from an encouraging place, wanting their children to be the best people they can. However, it can have damaging effects. If someone is forced into toxic perfectionism, it can have serious consequences in the future. It is especially harmful when a parent shows love only when the child meets their standards.
If you only felt loved when you were acting a certain way, it may be a sign that love was conditional. This feeling can carry into adult life. You may continue to push for perfection and beat yourself up when you do not achieve it.
4. You were only praised for success
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Growing up, it’s important to feel loved for who you are, not just what you accomplish. Kids need to have their self-esteem lifted by their parents. Self-esteem makes people accept themselves for who they are. When a parent praises success rather than showing unconditional love, it can damage a child's self-worth. It influences how they feel about themselves and their relationships in the future.
According to the Northern Illinois University Child Development and Family Center, a way to boost a child’s self-esteem is to give encouragement and remind them that they are loved and capable. If love were viewed as conditional, you may have struggled with your self-esteem.
5. Other people’s emotions felt like your responsibility
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Some of us, whether or not we were raised with unconditional love, want to do everything we can to make our parents happy. It could be because they had sacrificed so much for you, or that you feel you need to keep them happy to keep the peace. Whatever it is, we can put pressure on ourselves to support our parents’ emotions. In a home that never showed unconditional love, it can become an even bigger pressure.
In your childhood, there may have been a connection made between your parents' emotions and your behavior. You might have worked hard to live your life to please them. When it didn’t work out, they would punish you. It may leave a lasting impression.
6. You were rarely shown affection
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Affection is a sign of love. When you are a child, you seek out a hug from your parents. Whether it’s when trying or a show of approval for a job well done, parental affection means a lot. Growing up in a home where love was conditional, you likely received little to no affection. In fact, they may have purposely withdrawn affection when they were unhappy with you. This likely made you feel unloved.
“Parenting and early life experiences set the stage for a child’s sense of what it is to be loved and safe in an often-confusing world,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. “When a child is neglected, rejected, or abused, the sense of being unloved — and deeply unlovable — tends to persist and affect all areas of that individual’s life.”
7. Compliments came with a caveat
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Compliments are important. They make us feel valued by others. It can also help boost our self-worth. When we’re complimented often, we feel loved unconditionally. If you were given kind words, and they came with a caveat at the end, it can be hurtful.
Giving kind words to someone else can boost their entire day. When a parent refuses to genuinely compliment their children and follow it up with a word like ‘but…’, it’s hurtful. It shows that they do not think you are good enough. This is a sign of conditional love.
8. You fear conflict
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In a home where love is conditional, you were likely exposed to conflict at an early age. It could have been between your parents or the way they spoke to you. Family conflict in your formative years can be correlated with depression in your early adult years. Coming of age in a home filled with raised voices isn’t easy. It can leave a lasting impression.
This exposure to conflict can make you fearful. You may pull back at the sign of any argument. While disagreements are bound to happen, they may feel like a threat to your relationships. This fear of conflict can make you believe that someone who doesn’t agree with you doesn’t love you.
9. You’re an overachiever
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If you grew up in a home without unconditional love, you were likely given attention only when you were doing something right. It can leave you with a need for perfection. In your adult life, you may still believe that to be loved, you must be perfect. You have to succeed in everything. Whether it’s in the workforce or in your life, anything less than perfect is not enough.
Becoming an overachiever may be tied to the way your parents made you feel as a child. It can be difficult to shift away from the mindset that you are only enough if you are accomplishing things.
10. You apologize too frequently
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In a complicated home, keeping the peace may have been the only way to get through the day. Without unconditional love, you likely did not feel good enough. You may have resorted to constantly apologizing to stay on your caretaker’s good side; you might have carried that practice into your adult life. If you find yourself constantly saying you’re sorry, even when you haven’t done anything wrong, you may be subconsciously thinking that the only way to receive love is to apologize for who you are.
While you may think apologizing keeps you on people’s good side, it can actually harm your relationships. It can be something you do habitually, possibly without noticing.
11. You never fully trust anyone
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Being around parents who never showed you unconditional love can leave you with serious trust issues. If you feel you were not enough for them, how can you be enough for anyone else? It’s not an easy situation to navigate. Parents, whether they know it or not, leave a lasting impression on their children. Without the signs of unconditional love in their lives, some people can be destined for lifelong trust issues.
“Children who are not raised in safe, loving, respectful, and consistent environments tend to grow up feeling very unsafe and untrusting,” explains clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. “This deep sense of distrust can create a dynamic of trusting those who are not trustworthy while being untrusting of those who are trustworthy. On the other end of the spectrum, [it] can cause a child to create strong defenses that lead to an inability to trust anyone.”
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
