If Your Adult Kid Does These 11 Things, They’re Ashamed Of Their Life Choices
Andrii Nekrasov / Shutterstock Despite being a universal emotion at some point in everyone’s lives, shame can often spiral if it’s held onto for long periods of time and suppressed until it becomes a fundamental part of a person’s makeup. From harming mental health to straining relationships and lowering self-esteem, holding onto shame about things you can’t change can quickly harm your entire life.
As a parent, it’s important to be careful about how you communicate and support your adult kids, because if you’re overly judgmental and critical, they can often develop internalized shame. However, if your adult kids do these specific things, they may already be ashamed of their life choices. From hiding their daily routine to avoiding phone calls, it’s obvious when an adult child is struggling with regret, guilt, and shame.
If your adult kid does these 11 things, they’re ashamed of their life choices
1. They’re vague about their lifestyle
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If your adult child is vague about sharing their daily lives and lifestyles, chances are they’re ashamed of their choices. Especially if they feel like they’ve disappointed or failed to live up to their parents’ expectations, they may feel more comfortable being vague with and disconnected from their families.
At the end of the day, embarrassment is a powerful emotion, and even if it’s not necessarily justified in the face of other people’s behavior, it’s a hard feeling to cope with and heal from.
2. They don’t reach out
Many people living with internalized shame are struggling to maintain truly healthy, vulnerable relationships with others, including their own parents and families. They feel a sense of embarrassment about not only their complex feelings of guilt and shame, but also their life choices and daily struggles.
So, while their families are talking about their jobs, families, and daily routines, you might notice an adult child retreating, declining calls, and waiting for other people to reach out before interacting.
3. They downplay milestones
Many adult children who don’t feel a sense of security or pride in their lives may hide both their daily feelings and their success.
Even if it feels like a personal coping mechanism, people who hide their lives and achievements from others disconnect themselves and harm their relationships, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
So, if your adult kid does these things, they’re ashamed of their life choices, but simultaneously sabotaging the life, relationships, and joy they have now.
4. They dwell on ‘what ifs’
People living stuck in the past and ruminating on their life choices may struggle to move forward. They’re so caught up in replaying these moments and thinking about the “what ifs” that they sabotage being present and enjoying the life they’re in now.
Even if they refuse to acknowledge it, these adult children have more time than they realize. They’re in control of their lives, have the power to unwind their internalized shame, and don’t have to constantly live in embarrassment. They have so much time to craft a life they can really be proud of, even if it’s coming to terms with life choices that are unchangeable.
5. They change the subject during conversations about how they're doing
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Even if their sense of self-worth comes from external sources, an adult child who's struggling with shame about life choices may change the subject when they’re in the spotlight. They’re nervous and embarrassed about sharing their lives, even with their own parents, because they struggle to find a sense of confidence and assurance in their choices.
Living in regret, even around the people who are supposed to be closest to you, can be exhausting. So, if you notice your adult kid struggling with these things, don’t be afraid to support, even if it’s just offering them a listening ear and reassurance.
6. They’re uncomfortable celebrating others
If someone is insecure about their own life choices, progress, and success, they may find it difficult to genuinely celebrate other people in their life when they achieve something, especially if they lack emotional regulation skills.
So, if your adult kid gets jealous easily, they’re probably ashamed of their life choices and are compensating with a level of defensiveness. Whether it’s friends or siblings, they’re always trying to protect themselves from feeling more shame and guilt, even at the expense of their relationships.
7. They avoid talking about the future
For many people, talking about the future brings up a lot of fear, anxiety, and tension, according to a study published in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health journal. Especially for people who are already struggling with shame and living in the past, ruminating on their regrets and mistakes, thinking about the future can feel impossible.
So, if your adult child does these things and avoids talking about the future, they’re likely ashamed of their life choices and don’t know where to go next.
8. They assume others are disappointed in them
If your adult child feels a sense of shame about their life choices or success, they’re probably assuming that you feel a similar sense of disappointment. Even if you give praise and offer compliments, they operate with the assumption that everyone is disappointed to the same degree as them.
According to mental health expert Gregory L. Lantz, shame often originates from a place of powerlessness. If someone doesn’t feel like they have control over their lives and emotions, feeling chronically ashamed is a state of being, rather than a passing emotion. They look for things to reassure this “part” of themselves, like it’s unchangeable, even if it’s not.
9. They struggle to accept compliments and praise
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According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, many people with low self-esteem struggle to accept compliments because they actively conflict with the negative self-talk they feel inside. If your adult kid struggles to accept compliments and changes the subject in the face of praise, they may be ashamed of their life choices.
They’re dealing with so much inner turmoil about regrets and past mistakes that coming to terms with praise and growth now feels next to impossible.
10. Their self-worth is tied to external things
Whether it’s money, future goals, or impossibly high expectations, if your adult kid ties their self-worth to external things, chances are they’re always harboring a level of shame, guilt, and unhappiness in their lives.
As psychologist Jennifer Crocker explains, people who tie their self-worth externally, rather than cultivating and feeding it internally, are at a higher risk of experiencing mental health concerns. They’re living for the sake of external praise and accomplishment, so when things don’t go their way, or they can’t change the past, instead of making peace with it, it becomes internalized shame.
11. They feel judged all the time
Many people who deal with shame on a regular basis feel judged all the time. Even if the reality is that not many people are noticing them, they internalize fear and shape their lives in the frame of other people’s perceptions of them.
Even if it’s entirely subconscious, they’re regularly looking for affirmation that the negative thoughts and self-talk they experience internally are valid. When someone is judging them or speaking negatively behind their back, it’s uncomfortable, but it reaffirms the shame and negativity they feel inside to some degree.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
