Men Who Only Pretend To Be Good Husbands When Other People Are Around Usually Do These 11 Performative Things
The way a person acts in public may not always accurately represent how they are in private.
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock Sometimes, a man will put on a show around others in an attempt to influence them to perceive him in a more positive light. He may try to pretend to be a good husband when other people are around by engaging in performative actions so others think he is the kind of person and partner he knows he should be but isn't.
While in private, he may treat his partner poorly and behave in all kinds of inappropriate ways, but when they are with others, he does his best to come across as a loving husband, concealing the true nature of the man he is.
Men who only pretend to be good husbands when other people are around usually do these 11 performative things
1. Making grand romantic gestures in front of others
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Men who pretend to be good husbands but actually are not may make grand romantic gestures in front of others. This is their attempt to project a false image of their relationship and portray themselves as loving and committed.
When a man only shows his partner love and affection when they are in public, he may be hiding a fear of being alone or deeper insecurities. He will likely be very affectionate when others are around, but once he and his partner are back in private, he may ignore them or seem uninterested in showing physical attraction to his partner.
2. Giving gifts intended for public display
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Instead of gifting their partner things that are purely for their personal enjoyment, men who are pretending to be good husbands will give their partners gifts that are meant for public display. They do this so that they can control the public narrative and make the relationship appear to be something far more positive than it is.
Gift giving can act as their way of maintaining control. Not only maintaining control over the public view of his relationship, but also keeping control over the person he is married to. “Love bombing” in this way is used as a manipulation technique for this reason.
3. Expressing affection for their partner loudly
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Men who want to seem like a good husband but really are not may engage in a performative act like expressing affection for their partner loudly. If he is more concerned with how others perceive his relationship than how his partner actually feels, he may act in ways that seek external validation.
To make friends and family view the relationship in a positive light and mask the true state of the relationship, he will make sure to show affection for his partner in ways that may attract the admiration of others. He hopes to impress other people, not deepen the connection that he has with his partner.
4. Acting like an equal partner in public, but controlling in private
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If a man acts like an equal partner in public, but turns controlling in private, he is probably only pretending to be a good husband. If he feels insecure and has low self-esteem, he may attempt to make himself feel better by trying to control his environment and the people around him.
He will try to control his partner and the way that he is perceived by others. If he fears being abandoned by the people in his life, he will begin to feel powerless if he does not aim to control every aspect of his life and his partner's life.
5. Making a show of helping with tasks he usually ignores
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When a man makes it a point to help his partner with tasks only when they are around other people, there is a good chance that he is only pretending to be a good husband. This performative behavior helps him manage his public image and obtain social validation.
He may find his worth in the validation he receives from others, and if this is the case, he may be more helpful to his partner for selfish reasons, rather than purely wanting to help them. He will know how he needs to act to feel affirmed by friends and family, but when he is in private with his partner, he will behave in ways that do not indicate a healthy relationship.
6. Posting positive messages about their partner on social media
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To cover up the fact that they actually are not a good husband, some men will post positive messages about their partner on social media. By posting positive messages that they likely do not actually believe, they are able to create an image of themselves that seems loving and positive.
A 2014 study found that individuals who have high amounts of anxiety prefer to make their relationships very visible to the public. If he feels anxious about potentially being embarrassed because he isn't the best partner, he may try to overcompensate for his anxiety by posting positive, fake content about his relationship.
7. Being overly polite to their partner
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Some men who are not good husbands will pretend to be while they are around others by being overly polite to their partners. They will want others to view them as kind and considerate of their partner because they desire to impress their audience.
It can be especially obvious that this is their reasoning behind their polite behavior in front of others if they fail to treat their partner this way when they are in private. In some cases, a man who acts this drastically differently in opposing settings may show signs of narcissistic behavior. He will save his more negative behaviors for private so that if his partner were to ever say to others that he is a bad husband, he has already proved to outsiders that he is a good husband.
8. Publicly making promises they don't follow through with
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Men who only pretend to be good husbands will typically publicly make promises to their partners that they really have no intentions of following through with. This allows them to get external approval while avoiding any public confrontations that could occur with their partner.
By feeding into what they know their partner wants to hear in public, they demonstrate to others that they are an accountable partner who prioritizes appeasing their partner. A man may engage in behavior like this, which can be referred to as future-faking, to manipulate and maintain control over the relationship.
Licensed mental health counselor Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., explains that “Future-faking is when a person makes promises about the future to get what they want in the present. This involves your partner telling you about plans for a shared life, other major commitments, or even small gestures that never come to fruition. They usually are promises about something that you have indicated is very important to you.”
9. Defending their partner
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If a man is privately a bad husband, he may often engage in performative behaviors, such as being defensive of his partner around others. In private, he may not care if others treat his partner poorly, but in public, to control the narrative of their marriage and his own image, he will defend them.
This makes it seem like he truly cares about his partner. If he shows others that he wants to protect his partner and their image, then others will view him as emotionally mature, and they will automatically expect that that means he is a good partner.
10. Praising their partner excessively
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A man who pretends to be a good husband may praise his partner in front of family and friends, even if that is not what he does while they are alone. If his partner were ever to break the silence and voice their concerns about the way he truly treats them, others may find it hard to believe because of the narrative he has pushed and publicly portrayed.
This might make him feel like he can avoid taking accountability for his actions. If others do not believe that he is not being a good husband, and if they do not suspect that he is treating his partner poorly, then he never feels like he has to come clean about his true behavior.
11. Appearing highly attentive to their partner's needs
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A man who is not a good husband but pretends to be will likely appear to be highly attentive to his partner’s needs while they are in public. This is his way of covering up his lack of genuine effort, which he usually only displays in private.
In public, he will want to protect his image and not reveal his true, neglectful nature. While not all men who are bad husbands perform these actions in front of others, some do as a way to maintain control over other people's views of them and their marriage.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
