11 Common Mistakes That Hurt Your Parent's Feelings Without You Even Realizing
Be gentle with your parents as you (and they) get older.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Without realizing it, you may be treating your parents in a way that is hurting their feelings more than you would expect. As we get older, it can be challenging at times to view our parents in a different light.
Instead of them being the ones who always have to show care and support to you, it is no longer a one-way street. Now you are of an age where you can be just as caring and supportive of them. Being aware of the little things goes a long way, and being intentional about the way we treat our parents is crucial to keeping our relationship with them strong.
These are 11 common mistakes that hurt your parent's feelings without you even realizing
1. Not expressing appreciation
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When you do not express appreciation, your parent’s feelings will likely be hurt even if you do not realize it. They may perceive your lack of gratitude as a rejection of their efforts.
When you tell your parents how grateful you are for them and all that they have done for you, it acts as a powerful affirmation for them that makes them feel like you value them and their actions. Dr. Rajasekhar Kannali, a psychiatry provider with Novant Health, explains that when children tell their parents “thank you,” it actively reduces a parent’s stress because it affirms that they have been raising their children well so far.
2. Being dismissive
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Parents will likely feel hurt if you are dismissive, and it will leave them feeling extremely underappreciated. This will cause the bond between the parent and child to suffer because the parent may feel like this bond has been rejected.
By being dismissive, a parent may feel like their need for validation is not being met. Being a parent can be challenging, so hearing from their children that their efforts are being seen can greatly impact a parent’s self-esteem. Without this positive feedback, the parents may question if their efforts have been enough.
3. Showing disrespect
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Your disrespect likely hurts your parents more than you may expect it to. This kind of behavior threatens the bond you have with your parents because it makes them feel like their authority and love are being rejected. In cases where you, as an adult, are being disrespectful to your parents, it leaves the relationship in an uncertain state.
“If the harsh criticism, broken promises, and trampled boundaries came from any other person, you’d probably opt out of the relationship for good. But that's not really the desired option in this case where you've got decades of your love, guidance, and life invested in your adult child. Still, their disrespect hits hard and it feels as though all your years of sacrifice are being devalued and erased,” explains Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a psychologist.
4. Comparing them to others
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Parents who are constantly compared to others by you will feel hurt. Parenting is a stressful and challenging job. When parents feel compared to other people, they can feel like no matter how hard they are trying to be a good parent, they are not living up to their child’s expectations.
Kari Kling, M.Ed., a parent coach, mentions that, “When we constantly compare our parenting, we create situations where many parents may begin to doubt themselves, their decisions, and the lives they’ve created for their children as somehow being lesser.” Instead of feeling confident in their parenting abilities, their self-esteem will diminish.
5. Being overly critical
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While open conversation and constructive criticism are welcome, especially between parents and their adult children, if you are too critical of your parents when it is obvious that they have tried their best, it can cause them to feel very hurt.
Effective communication can be a great way to cope with the difficulties that arise for a parent when you consistently have been overly critical of them. “Avoid blaming or criticizing them, as this may escalate the conflict. Instead, focus on listening to their perspective and try to understand their point of view. Effective communication can be a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and rebuilding relationships,” said Bernstein.
6. Forgetting milestones
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Your parents may be very hurt if you constantly forget milestones. While they may not mean much to you, these significant memories or occasions hold a lot of love and value to your parents.
When you forget these things, it may leave your parents feeling like you do not cherish the memories as much as they do, which could make them feel undervalued or think that your relationship is suffering a disconnect. Sometimes, this goes deeper than just forgetting a special date. It might actually cause hurt for your parents because they feel as though you will forget them and that they have not positively impacted your life as much as they hoped they would.
7. Making them feel like a burden
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More so with adult children, if you make your parents feel like a burden, it may hurt more than you’ll ever know. As parents and children grow older, the relationship sometimes almost reverses. With age comes potential health problems, and sometimes this requires adult children to help take care of their parents.
If during this time the adult child views their parents as a burden, they will make their parents feel a lot of emotional pain, and it could put strain on the relationship. Their parents may feel rejected and resentful of them.
8. Not showing emotional support
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While at times, adult children may feel that emotional support is only meant to be something that provides them with validation, if you refuse to show emotional support to your parents, they may end up hurting more than you’d expect. The relationship between you and your parents could potentially thrive if they also receive emotional support.
“The relationship between parents and adult children often suffers when validation is perceived as a one-way street. Adult children should also recognize the positive contributions made by, and the challenges faced by, their aging parents,” mentions Bernstein.
9. Ignoring their health
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Similar to how it makes a parent feel when you neglect providing them with emotional support, it also really hurts your parents when you ignore their health. It can make them feel like maybe you don’t care about them as much as you say you do.
As your parents age, their health may start to worsen, and during this scary and vulnerable time, they will likely want to be able to lean on you. If you always ignore these struggles, they may feel like they are alone through their challenges.
10. Lack of communication
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Especially as you get older, you may find yourself not communicating with your parents nearly as much as you once did. While it makes sense for this to happen, considering the numerous responsibilities that arise once you become an adult, your parents may take the lack of communication harder than you think.
“There’s no logical reason why communication between young adults and their parents should decrease or stop during this developmental phase. But often, it does. Parents can get their feelings hurt. It’s as though they’re being shunned. They anxiously wonder if they’ve done something wrong,” explains Tina Gilbertson, a licensed professional counselor.
11. Being unsupportive
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If you are never supportive of your parents you may end up hurting them more than you’d think you would. As your parents have provided you with several different forms of support as you’ve grown up, it is not too far-fetched that they may want the same in return as you become an adult.
They want to feel like you’re proud of them too. They also want to know that you feel like the way you were raised was conducive in helping you become the best and most successful version of yourself. While you likely do not do all of these things intentionally, it is crucial to be mindful of the way we treat our parents. You never know when you are unintentionally hurting them.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
