11 Phrases A Husband Says When He’s Secretly Given Up On His Marriage Getting Any Better
The biggest clue a husband has stopped trying in his marriage isn't what he does, it's what he says.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock There's nothing easy about marriage, and it's through the hurdles and challenges that life throws in the path of you and your spouse that can really test the foundation of the relationship. It takes a real commitment and willingness to work through those tough moments and come back on the other side healthier and stronger than ever. However, even the strongest of relationships can face challenges that end up leaving both people feeling extremely frustrated and even disconnected from each other. When a husband believes his marriage can't improve anymore, arguments and disagreements can seem more intense than they should be.
Even the comments and phrases that he uses with his wife highlight the fact that he's mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. His words end up revealing more than his actions ever will, and while he may try to say things without wanting to be harmful or just seem indifferent, he's actually extremely detached. Just because he isn't yelling or slamming the door behind him doesn't mean the things he's saying and even the mood he has aren't a direct reflection of how exhausted he may feel with his marriage.
Here are 11 phrases a husband says when he's secretly given up on his marriage getting any better:
1. 'Whatever, do what you want'
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Despite the easygoing nature that he may be trying to project by saying this, an exhausted husband is usually just further withdrawing from his wife. He's simply no longer invested in the things she does and no longer cares enough to actually collaborate with her on certain things. Instead of taking the reins and being there to support her, even for something simple like planning a dinner date or vacation, he's stepping back entirely.
Licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White pointed out that no longer sharing feelings is often a big indicator that a marriage is going downhill. "You no longer share your inner thoughts or emotions with your partner; if you try, they tune you out, leave the room, express a lack of interest, or ask you to be quiet about the topic."
By exclaiming that he doesn't care and it's "whatever," he's putting up a wall between himself and his wife and keeping his emotions to himself. Of course, this only ends up making a marriage feel worse because he's no longer being forthcoming about how he feels as a way to avoid arguing and creating conflict.
2. 'You're right, I'm wrong'
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Wanting to just come from a place of compromise isn't always a good thing, especially if you're using it to avoid having to actually talk and debate things. In the context of marriage, a husband using this phrase would rather refuse to be involved in a confrontation because of how tired he is of having to carry or burden himself with the emotional labor needed to make the relationship both work and last. He feels resigned to just throwing his hands up and declaring that he's the one in the wrong, even if that might not be the case.
"If you avoid speaking up about your feelings because it is stressful, it sends a message to yourself and your partner that your opinions and feelings are not worth much," explained marriage and family therapist Jason Whiting.
A husband who is checked out no longer feels the need to voice his opinions or defend his choices because of how much he's been let down in the past when it comes to sharing his feelings. The problem, though, is that healthy communication means having debates, confrontations, and even disagreements. It means both people still care enough about it with each other to try and make their relationship last, despite all of the hurdles that they need to overcome.
3. 'I don't even know why I try'
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When a husband feels extremely hopeless and just overwhelmed by how downhill his marriage is going, he'll resort to no longer feeling the need to try anymore. He's fully stopped believing that his efforts can actually make a difference in being able to salvage the relationship he has with his wife, and because of that, his resolve to actually fix problems and come to some sort of understanding with her is quite low and pretty much nonexistent.
"Many lone partners have done everything they can to get the other to change. Frustrated and defeated over time, they have become nagging, ineffective pursuers of transformation. By the time they have come in for help, they agree that they are no longer interesting or valuable partners," insisted clinical psychologist Randi Gunther.
By saying that he doesn't even know why he tries anymore, he's acknowledging that the two of them are just stuck in this constant cycle where nothing seems to change or get better. And because of that, he's just no longer willing to invest the emotional energy that he may have once done when things just feel as lost as they do. For the partner hearing these words, it can sound like an admission of defeat, which is never a word you want associated with a marriage that's already on its last legs.
4. 'This is exhausting'
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It's a blanket statement, but it applies to the fact that a husband no longer has any energy left to dedicate to his failing marriage. It's less about complaining after having a long day or a specific stressful moment and more about the fact that he feels drained by the relationship entirely. It's not physical fatigue, but an emotional one. He may think that no matter how much he's trying to communicate or compromise, there seems to be nothing worth saving.
According to clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, an emotionally distant marriage leaves no room for connection and reconciliation. In relationships where partners are emotionally connected, the one who reacts negatively often apologizes once they feel better. However, as emotional distance grows, this becomes less likely. The partner who emotionally distances themselves tends to blame and run, rather than caring about the outcome.
This repeated effort from both him and his wife means that, at some point, they're both feeling the toll that it's taking on them. Without actually outright walking away, he's expressing the fact that he's completely checked out and most likely doesn't know where to go from here. It's disheartening to hear this tone from your partner, especially when he's clearly no longer motivated to put in work to invest in the marriage.
5. 'Let's just get through the day'
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Because of how emotionally detached a husband may start to feel with his marriage, he's simply focused on just making it through the day with as little strain as possible. When he says it, he knows that there is no longer any happiness or excitement attached to his spouse. The marriage no longer feels like something that brings him joy, and instead, it starts to feel more like a routine that just needs to get done. He's simply trying to prioritize his self-preservation.
But by just getting through the day as it comes, there's no room to actually be present, especially if you're just looking at the clock or the calendar. You're simply living in an uncomfortable situation and hoping that as time passes, either things start to fix themselves or you both just hope that you'll come to the agreement that it's time to go your separate ways. There is zero resolution when it comes to trying to survive rather than grow.
6. 'Nothing I say matters'
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A husband who is drained from his marriage usually doesn't think that his thoughts or opinions matter when it comes to actually doing anything to save his relationship. He may constantly experience moments of just being dismissed by his wife or made to feel invisible altogether. After putting up with this kind of behavior for some time, eventually, he realizes that his words actually carry zero weight, and therefore, he starts keeping them to himself. However, couples who develop poor communication habits only increase the amount of chronic stress they experience.
By withdrawing when it comes to starting a conversation, he's walking around his house in this silent battle with his wife because he no longer feels understood. While it may seem harsh, it's just his way of trying to protect his heart from further damage. He doesn't enjoy feeling invalidated and no longer wants to invest his energy into communicating with someone who can't seem to muster up the same amount of energy to hear him out.
7. 'I'll be busy'
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Even if he actually has nothing on his calendar or to-do list, a husband who no longer wants to give his energy to his marriage will find something to do so he doesn't have to be present with his wife. He'll pack his schedule with the most frivolous of activities and plans just to create more distance between him and the relationship itself.
He hopes that by keeping himself occupied, he gets to avoid the depressing reality of what his relationship has come to and the effort that it'll take to repair it. He'll start spending more time outside, whether that's with friends, family, or even his co-workers. He's simply wishing for a bit of peace away from his home, but by keeping himself busy, that gap will only continue to expand. You can't avoid the problems that are happening in your life, no matter how much you try.
8. 'We're just going in circles'
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He may feel that because there's nothing worth saving from this marriage, he and his wife are simply going around and around in circles and seeing not a single change happening. Maybe they're having the same arguments day after day, and every attempt to actually resolve the issue lands them right back in the same standoff. That kind of dynamic is incredibly frustrating, which is why he's pointing out that they're just not getting anywhere in the first place.
He's simply emotionally fatigued and feels trapped in this constant loop of holding out hope and patience that things might change, only to be proven wrong. A husband who feels this way no longer believes there's anything worth saving from the relationship and instead starts to distance himself as a result.
9. 'Don't worry about me'
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By brushing off the concerns from his wife, he's not only further withdrawing himself, but he's also putting up a wall that he no longer wants to be vulnerable either. He no longer feels the need to have these discussions about the relationship and where they can work on things because, in his mind, he's not being met with any effort. By telling his spouse to no longer worry about him, he's setting the stage for an eventual separation.
After putting in all of the effort that he may have in the past, once he realizes that it's not getting him or his wife anywhere, he chooses just to remove himself entirely. Hearing this from the person you're in love with can hurt immensely, especially if it's a connection that you don't want to give up on. However, while it's painful to hear, it's a signal that there either needs to be a meaningful conversation on the table or steps to walking away from each other for good.
10. 'I don't want to fight'
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By making it clear that he no longer has room for any disagreement or conflict, he's no longer willing to have these tough and sometimes needed moments with his spouse. While conflict can have a significant impact on stress, anxiety, and even depressive symptoms, sometimes it's only through these hard moments that two people can take the necessary steps to heal.
But, when a husband is telling his wife that he no longer wants to fight, he's feeling that there is no argument that they can have that'll actually lead to some sort of resolution. By no longer putting himself in a position to argue and fight, he's hoping that it will protect him from the disappointment of having yet another disagreement that goes nowhere in the process. In his mind, it's just futile, and probably just ends up leading to more conflicts and even worse moments together.
11. 'I don't want to deal with your mood'
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While it may seem as if he's just overwhelmed and doesn't have time to try and work through his wife's mood, it's just a further sign of how disconnected the two of them have become. He's simply unwilling to actually invest the time and energy needed to see where his spouse is coming from, and maybe in the past, he had more optimism and hope about it, but now he just feels drained. The times when he actually tries to sit down with her and work through their issues, nothing really comes about from it, and it ends up just being completely unproductive.
By dismissing the effort entirely, he's no longer able to feel the negative emotions of trying to problem-solve to no avail. Over time, this kind of attitude does little to repair the trust and respect that might've been lost through all of the challenges. Instead, it'll only end up making it worse because now his spouse feels like she's being actively dismissed and hurt.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
