5 Things Women In Their Late 30s Start Doing Once They've Had Enough Of Always Being The Fixer
When fixer fatigue hits, these moves mark the start of a more grounded, self-respecting chapter.
Face Stock | Shutterstock I have many female clients in the same age range as myself (I was born in 1981, aka the My So Called Life Generation). It seems like this is a time for a lot of introspection and change for many women, which often leaves them rethinking their career, family obligations, and their relationships.
Here, I explore five phenomena that I have observed in myself and my female clients in their late thirties and forties. Warning: I’ll tell you that these just get more intense the older you get.
Here are five things women in their late 30s start doing once they've had enough of always being the fixer:
1. They no longer care as much about what people think
This can manifest in a range of ways, including but not limited to:
- You no longer want to socialize with people you don’t like
- You either make peace with your body or actively try to accept it
- You no longer defer to your partner as much
- You become more confident at work and/or consider a different career
- You stop trying to curate your social media presence and are generally more comfortable with others knowing your flaws
- You lose (at least some of) your fear of confrontation
This stage can throw friends, family, and partners for a loop, particularly if you used to be an extreme people-pleaser. Often, they interpret it as self-centeredness, when it is just that you no longer want to live for others’ approval.
2. They want more out of their relationships
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This is a stage of life where your children are usually in elementary school or older, and they no longer need as much hands-on, 24/7 physical care.
Women often tend to regroup and look more deeply and analytically at their intimate relationships, and frequently feel that they want “more” closeness, connection, or compatibility with their partners. At this stage, you are at midlife with the rest of your life in front of you, and many women begin to question whether they want to be with their partners.
Many women this age bring their partners in for couples counseling to grapple with their feelings of ambivalence. In cases with a history of extensive marital conflict and unrepaired empathic ruptures, many women begin to think of divorce as a realistic option for the first time.
3. They are willing to set boundaries if their needs aren’t met
If you have toxic relationships with friends or family members, this is the stage at which many women actively work to change these dynamics and/or significantly limit or even sever contact with these people. Hurtful or difficult behaviors that you may have tolerated in parents, siblings, or friends in prior years may no longer seem like things you are obligated to deal with.
This is a stage at which many women come into therapy to learn how to deal with difficult family members, which often eventually leads to setting firm boundaries. Women at this age no longer want to feel that their lives are dictated by what they “should” do for the sake of social convention or out of guilt; they want to live by their values.
4. They are no longer as ashamed of their mental health issues and/or their dysfunctional family upbringing
At this age, many women become much more open about their struggles and about any dysfunctional ways in which they were raised. Many women have had children by this point, which gives them a much broader perspective on their childhood.
Some women can have empathy and understanding for abusive/neglectful parents in a way that they never could before having kids (although this still doesn’t translate to forgiveness in many cases). You may finally be able to recognize that your issues or history do not define you, and that when you confide in friends about your “shameful” struggles, rather than reject you, they usually respond with empathy and confide similar stories.
5. They have a more stable sense of who they are and their place in the world
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Rather than feeling ashamed of your flaws and doubting your strengths, as many younger women do, you are much more able to openly examine yourself, for better and worse. There are things you may never be good at, and areas in which you realize that you genuinely excel.
This self-awareness is liberating and leads many women to understand themselves in a deeper way than ever before. This can yield a more stable and secure sense of identity, which of course then impacts your relationships, career path, and your sense of why you are on this planet.
Many women feel on the cusp of a transformational shift in how they view themselves and their place in the world, but need a place to discuss their feelings and insights, and thoughts about their next steps in life. Therapy is extremely useful in this regard.
If this post resonated with you, use it as a springboard for discussions with your significant other, or to delve deeper into some of these issues on your own or with your therapist. This is an exciting and transformative phase, even if it throws you for a loop at first.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
