If You Can't Seem To Keep A Good Relationship Going, A New Study Suggests Your Childhood May Be To Blame

We often think the biggest barriers to love are things like bad luck, poor dating options, or partners who “just don’t get us.” But sometimes, the real challenge is much more personal and invisible. In this case, your childhood may still be messing with your relationships and a new study ventured to figure out how.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering:

• Why do I keep sabotaging good relationships?

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• Why do I shut down or lash out under stress?

• Why do I struggle to trust or plan for the future?

The answer might lie not just in your past, but in how your early environment quietly shaped your personality, not just your coping mechanisms.

If you can't seem to keep a good relationship, a new study suggests your childhood plays a role

Many of us understand how harsh or neglectful parenting can leave emotional scars. But new research suggests it’s not only the obvious traumas that affect us. Sometimes, it’s the subtle, ongoing dysfunction that leaves a deeper imprint, shaping how we show up in adult life, especially in relationships.

A recent study featured in PsyPost explored this connection. It looked at adults who recalled growing up with emotionally unavailable, over-controlling, or verbally abusive caregivers. 

But instead of focusing only on extreme outcomes like narcissism or psychopathy (as many previous studies have done), researchers found something far more relatable, and they're not dark or dangerous traits. Instead, this characteristic is "low conscientiousness", which shows up in everyday struggles with work stress, emotional overwhelm, and trouble maintaining relationships.

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What is 'low conscientiousness' and how does it affect relationships?

Think of conscientiousness as the part of your personality that helps you stay organized and follow through on plans, make thoughtful, responsible decisions, manage emotions under pressure, and keep commitments to yourself and others.

If you struggle to build and maintain good relationships as an adult, it may be because your conscientiousness, your internal sense of order, consistency, and regulation, was never given the chance to fully develop. That’s not a character flaw. It’s a survival adaptation.

In other words, your nervous system may have learned to focus on getting through the moment, not planning or nurturing a connection. And it shows up in subtle but powerful ways you might not immediately connect to childhood. Perhaps you:

• Struggle with follow-through. You mean to call, to plan a date night, or to have an important conversation, but it keeps slipping through the cracks.
• Act before thinking. You lash out during conflict or say things you don’t mean. Repairing the damage becomes exhausting for you and for those with whom you are in a relationship.
• Procrastinate on emotional work. You know you need to set boundaries or work on your communication, but it feels overwhelming.
• Feel emotionally disorganized. Big feelings take over quickly, and it’s hard to stay grounded or responsive.

These habits don’t make you a bad partner, but they do make connecting with a romantic partner, a co-worker, a family member, or even a friend harder to maintain.

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We don’t always recognize our patterns, especially when we are focused on our partner. Regardless, we attract people who help reflect where we are in our growth, and those reflections can either affirm our healing or reveal what still needs attention. Because traits like low conscientiousness don’t show up in a therapist’s office with flashing lights, we often don’t recognize them as the thing getting in the way of our relationships. The good news? You can change the pattern.

Understanding this connection gives you a powerful new tool: instead of just asking “What happened to me?”, you can also ask “How did what happened shape who I became, and how do I want to grow from here?” Working with a professional therapist or coach can help you unpack the early experiences that shaped your relational style and support your intentional growth.

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Why this study matters

This study is important because it expands the conversation. It says: You don’t need to have a personality disorder or a dramatic trauma story to be impacted by your upbringing.

Sometimes, it’s the milder dysfunctions that debilitate us in the relationship arena. It's the constant over-control, the subtle shame, the inconsistent boundaries, or the emotional emptiness that rewires how we learn to connect, express, and commit. These early experiences may have trained you to be in survival mode, and survival mode is rarely a recipe for sustainable intimacy.

And here’s the truth no one talks about enough: We don’t just attract what we want. We attract what feels familiar. So if love feels like chaos or inconsistency, it may be echoing something from childhood, not because you’re broken, but because your system is still trying to protect you.

The ability to build a healthy relationship isn’t just about luck or finding “the one.” It’s about becoming the version of yourself who knows how to nurture, honor, and protect love when it shows up.

So if you’ve struggled with consistency, communication, or emotional regulation, it may not be because something’s inherently wrong with your personality; it may simply be your personality adapted to survive a childhood that didn’t teach you how to thrive in relationships.

The good news? It’s never too late to learn.

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Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and host of the podcast, Soul CPR Healing Out Loud. She helps people untangle from their past and heal their hearts.