If You Truly Understand These 10 Things About Relationships, You're A Rare Gem Of A Person
Lessons from Dr. George Pransky's relationship handbook.
Vicky Hladynets | Unsplash One of the best books I’ve come across in relationships is one published originally in 1991: Dr. George Pransky’s Relationship Handbook. A lot of the advice still applies, even if it may confuse younger generations. It helped me sidestep the common challenges in all relationships, including platonic ones, so I could enjoy the thrill of a powerful and long-lasting connection.
If you truly understand these 10 things about relationships, you're a rare gem of a person:
1. Our thoughts do not reflect reality
Understanding the role of thoughts in shaping your perceptions is key to improving relationships. Pransky says our thoughts are transient and don’t reflect the absolute reality of situations. When we misunderstand or react to our thoughts, we’re responding to illusions. We create unnecessary conflict.
Recognize when you’re reacting based on a temporary thought instead of the true nature of the situation. Give yourself space to see things as they are. This will prevent misunderstandings and overreactions.
2. Compatibility isn’t as important as we think
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Pransky challenges the common belief that compatibility is crucial for a successful relationship. I gave up on several in the past because I thought we weren’t a ‘match.’ What actually matters is the ability to understand and respect each other, regardless of personality differences or interests.
With mutual understanding, you can have an airplane model enthusiast homebody get on perfectly well with a social butterfly. You can view your partner as ‘a difficult polar opposite’ or a ‘fascinating complementary character.’ It’s all in how you frame it.
Embrace differences as opportunities to grow and learn from each other. Instead of looking for someone who is ‘perfectly compatible,’ find someone who respects and supports your evolution, while you do the same for them. Today’s incompatibilities were yesterday’s refreshing differences.
3. You don’t have to fix each other
One of Pransky’s core ideas is that the need to ‘fix’ your partner or yourself often creates distance in relationships. Each person has innate wisdom and the capacity to handle their challenges.
They just need the space to see it for themselves, without the forced energy from the other partner operating from a place of dissatisfaction (yep, a thought). Instead of trying to improve your partner or yourself, approach challenges with empathy. Then, watch them grow on their own accord.
4. Don’t let emotions drive the relationship
Emotions are fleeting and can distort our view of situations. We often make the mistake of believing that how we feel in a moment defines the truth of the relationship.
When experiencing intense emotions, remind yourself that they’re temporary based on your thinking at that moment. Give yourself time to reflect before reacting. When you take a creative rather than a reactive approach, connection develops effortlessly.
5. Our mental state affects how we see others
Your state of mind determines how you perceive and interact with others. When you’re feeling low or stressed, you may see your partner’s actions through a negative lens.
When your spirits are low, you are most compelled to ‘talk about things’ — the least advised moment to do so. Notice when you’re in a low mental state, and pause. Let your mood lift as your thoughts still. That’s always the best moment to interact in any capacity.
6. Less is more
Pransky encourages us to simplify our interactions. Often, we complicate relationships by overanalyzing or adding unnecessary expectations. You don’t need to be in each other’s faces all the time, either. Give them some space. Time apart is one of the healthiest components of an interdependent and mature relationship.
Keeping things simple reduces pressure and increases harmony. Healthy relationships are for encouraging one another, not competing. Let go of excessive demands or the behaviors that seem warranted when overthinking. Chill. This simplicity can create more ease and connection.
7. Acceptance is a soothing tonic for any relationship
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Everyone is capable of acceptance when their mind is open to that possibility. Acceptance comes effortlessly when we put effort into understanding the other. Accepting each other fully creates an environment where personal growth is natural, not forced.
So, practice accepting your partner as they are, without trying to change them. Trust that, in a nurturing environment, people will grow and evolve in their own time. Allow them space to be themselves.
8. Be ruthlessly biased to see the best in your partner
One of the most powerful takeaways from Pransky’s work is that when we see the best in others, we naturally bring out the best in them. If we’re focused on their flaws, we reinforce those flaws; if we focus on their strengths, we elevate them.
Shift your focus to what you appreciate most about your partner and continually find ways to see this from all angles. The creative mind always finds a way.
Whether it’s their kindness (expressed through actions or words), intelligence, or creativity, highlight these qualities regularly. Acknowledging their strengths contributes to a positive feedback loop that nurtures the relationship.
9. Listen without judgment
We often listen to respond rather than to understand, which leads to frustration and emotional distance. Listen actively without interrupting or jumping to conclusions.
Try to hear your partner’s perspective without evaluating or trying to fix it. The alternative is years of stressful drama and growing resentment.
10. Let go of past grievances
The past no longer exists. Stop allowing what happened to define your present behaviors and choices. Holding onto past hurts or grievances creates emotional baggage that weighs down a relationship.
It’s not always easy, but you need to practice forgiveness, not only toward your partner, but also toward yourself. Letting go of past mistakes and misunderstandings allows you to start fresh and prevents the past from dictating the dynamics of your relationship.
By adopting these principles, you may experience surprising and rapid improvements, leading to a healthy, long-term relationship that actually works.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.
