11 Unnecessary Lies Parents Tell Other Parents In Order To Feel Better About Themselves
They think they are making themselves out to be perfect parents, but we all know that can't be true of anyone.
Photo Book Pro / Shutterstock Who knew that having children meant we would become involuntary participants in a parenting game, competing over who could make the best decisions for our kids? From milestones to mealtimes, there is continuous pressure to do things the "right" way, and that burden could cause even the best parents to bend the truth to their benefit every once in a while. They aren't really trying to be dishonest, but their insecurity about whether or not they are meeting some internal standards is causing them to exaggerate or omit things.
The intention is not to deceive other people, but to appear as though they have it altogether to those on the outside looking in. They want to control the external narrative about who they are as parents, when what matters is how they feel about themselves. Ironically, most parents struggle with one or two, or even a few, challenges when raising their children. But instead of building authentic connections around those shared challenges, some of us put on our best performances and tell these little lies.
Here are 11 unnecessary lies parents tell other parents in order to feel better about themselves
1. 'We don't do screen time'
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If we're being honest, most of us parents let our children have some screen time, but we also try to limit it when we do. Anyone who says they don't really do, they just don't know it. Our kids are having clandestine YouTube marathons long after we fall asleep. Sometimes, we have a clue that they are having more screen time than they should, but are too tired to tell them the same thing we do every other night. Besides, it's peaceful and quiet during tablet time.
This lie is more about looking like you have everything under control when you really don't. Confessing that you let your kids have more screen time than you would like feels like admitting failure, so most parents pretend that they can do it all. While there is definitely a threshold beyond which access to a backlit screen becomes more of a liability than an asset, some quality time between your child and your digital nanny is okay, within reason.
According to psychology, the only screen time infants under 18 months should have is video chatting. Toddlers between the ages of two and five years old should get no more than one hour of quality, educational content with a parent, children between six and 12 years old can have two hours of recreational screen time, and teenagers between 13 and 18 years old should get no more than two hours of screen time per day.
2. 'My kid eats everything'
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Remember that Life cereal commercial from our childhoods where a boy would say, "Give it to Mikey. He won't eat it. He hates everything!"? Then, after Mikey tries it and loves it, the kids say, "He likes it! Hey, Mikey!" Yeah, nobody wants a picky little Mikey under their care. For some reason, many parents use their child's go-with-the-flow eating habits to express how good and well-behaved they are.
It's rarely true that your child will eat everything you give them. I recall many nights of frustration when one kid didn't like one thing and the other didn't like something else. Most kids go through a phase of rejecting food. My eldest son said, "No, thanks," so often I thought he would starve to death, but the pediatrician almost laughed me out of the clinic. It's okay if your kids have their own little dietary needs and limits. You will balance it out in your own way.
3. 'We never raise our voices'
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People who tell me that they have never, ever raised their voice at their kids crack me up. While very respectable, I just imagine a ball of pinned-up rage deep inside of them waiting to erupt. Who doesn't want to be a gentle parent? But these kids won't let us be great. But seriously, we should operate from a calm, emotionally balanced mindset as much as humanly possible. But there have been and there will be times when you lose your temper.
No one wants to admit that they have lost their cool and gone up a few octaves when setting their little ones straight. Lying about it saves face and makes you seem as if you stay emotionally regulated 100% of the time. Raising kids is a rewarding, beautiful, life-changing, frustrating, and exhausting experience. There will be a time when a voice is elevated. Now, if you happen to be experiencing abnormal levels of anger or lashing out in an abusive manner, it's important to seek professional help.
4. 'They were potty-trained in two days'
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Parents are always so proud to let anyone who will listen know that their baby spent minimal time running around in poopy diapers. This, of course, means that they are of superior intellect, thereby better than your child. And to have birthed a baby genius, they must be one of the greatest parents to ever do it. Okay, yes, potty training is vital to your baby's freedom, independence, self-awareness, and growth. My mom used to say, 'If they can walk, they can go to the bathroom."
But wearing the short turnaround time to get your kid out of diapers shouldn't be a flex, unless you're saying it to give a struggling parent some tips and tricks. But when you talk about your triumph, don't leave out the accidents, the way your baby fought tooth and nail, the times when the journey advanced two steps ahead, only to take three steps back. All children develop at their own pace. You are doing just fine.
5. 'We don't allow junk food in our house'
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I wish I could say that my home never had any sweet, savory deliciousness hiding in the cabinets, but I'd surely be lying to you. My sons and I love to indulge in decadent snacks with no nutritional value from time to time. While many families do a good job of limiting what processed snacks they allow in the cupboards, few houses are completely without a bag of Goldfish crackers or some leftover birthday cake at any given time.
This is another way parents who want everyone to think they birthed golden children lie to give the perception of complete and total control. No one's diet is entirely clean, and if it is, you really do deserve a round of applause because that takes extreme discipline. But, please, for the love of Twinkies, don't make your child suffer with you. Psychologically, depriving them of something only makes them want it more. Balance minor indulgence with discipline.
6. 'My child reads all the time instead of watching TV'
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First off, this claim doesn't even sound realistic. No one does one thing the same all the time. It's a blanket statement that is unnecessary because we are fighting some of the same battles as parents. It sounds very noble for a young person to forego Paw Patrol in favor of a good book. But we all know that children like to diversify their entertainment experience.
Even those who really enjoy reading have a favorite TV show or YouTuber that they love to watch. Being a parent is a holistic experience. It incorporates so many feelings and experiences, negative and positive, for both you and your child. Appearing to be a better parent than your peers is a lot less effective than creating genuine bonds because you can relate to other people.
7. 'They love doing chores'
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When people say that their kids enjoy cleaning up, washing and folding clothes, and doing dishes, I can't help but give them a skeptical side-eye. Discipline and responsibility are important lessons to teach, but no kid regularly pops up and does chores consistently without some degree of prompting. Who hasn't told a kid five times to do the same thing and seen no movement until you started shutting down digital access?
When people tell this lie, they want us to think they have solved the DaVinci Code of discipline. They would have us average parents believe that their children possess eternal motivation and get the job done without needing to be asked. But the reality is that they are probably going through the same eye rolls and negotiations that the rest of us are.
8. 'We don't bribe our kids or reward them for things they should be doing'
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Many parents tell others that their children do what they are supposed to because they have a spirit of cooperation, are more respectful than other kids, and have an unmatched intrinsic motivation. But let's be real. Sometimes, giving something in exchange for good behavior or taking something away for bad behavior are the most effective parenting strategies we have, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Things like praise, small privileges, or monetary gifts can be used to encourage children to repeat actions that we see as positive. It can also boost their self-esteem and make the bond between the two of you even stronger. But it's important to avoid over-relying on external rewards and combine them with other positive disciplinary techniques. Rewards can easily turn into bribes if you're not careful.
9. 'My kids are best friends'
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I love it when two kids doing life together actually like one another. Unlike my sons, who battle like gladiators on occasion, brothers and sisters who love each other and like to spend time together make me happy. But for many parents, that is not a reality. Discord between siblings is normal. They are some of the longest relationships we will experience, and unlike friends, who might come and go, you are stuck with your siblings forever.
You didn't choose these people, but no matter how incompatible the two of you are, you have to find a way to get along, and there will be bumps along the way. It is super special for two siblings to love each other to pieces and be the best of friends from birth. It's also a blessing to watch two children with completely different personalities learn how to love and appreciate each other, even if it comes with some trying times.
10. 'We never fight in front of the kids'
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My ex-husband and I would say this all the time, wearing it like a badge of honor. We thought we were superior because we knew how to fight in hushed voices behind the master bedroom door, where no one but us could see our misery. Parents absolutely should shield their children from serious conflict, recurring minor arguments, and tense discussions as much as possible. But they do happen, and when they do, it can be an opportunity to teach the entire family how to resolve conflict with someone you love.
Claiming a relationship is entirely peaceful can give your kid false expectations about what a real, authentic romantic relationship looks like. And don't lie to your parenting peers about it because they can see right through it. They are doing the exact same thing you are doing: preserving an image of a harmonious household, when the truth would set all of us free. I will say, though, that if you are having knock-down, drag-out fights at all, it may be time to seek professional intervention.
11. 'Our baby always slept through the night'
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Who can blame parents for acting like they've never had a long night where their baby refused to stay asleep? That level of sleep deprivation is almost torturous. It's a universal law of passage that every new parent must face at some point. No one escapes it. Whether it's colic, a diaper rash, or a massive blowout, you will be snatched out of the best sleep of your life by a crying baby.
When another parent claims to never have experienced them, you might start to introspect about what you're doing wrong or give your kid the once-over, wondering what their problem is. These rose-colored statements about getting adequate sleep all the time usually skip over the months, or even years, of interrupted nights and undereye bags. Parenting is hard. Let's not sugarcoat or stretch the truth because we are all on a similar journey.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
