Woman Hurt After Longtime Friend Says She’s Only Become So Successful Because Of DEI
She wants to forgive her friend and believe she doesn't really feel that way, but she can't move past her words.
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock It takes hard work to move up the corporate ladder, especially these days when the economy and job market are in such disarray. To assume that someone achieved success in any other way is understandably hurtful. One woman was extremely insulted when someone she thought was a friend suggested that her hard-won success didn’t really come from her efforts.
The woman's friend told her that she was successful in her field because of DEI.
She wrote into Slate’s “Good Job” advice column for help after her friend seemed to give in to jealousy and say some things she couldn’t take back. “‘Jane’ has been a friend of mine for 15 years,” she explained. “We both work in the same field but through the years I have become significantly more successful than her, making more money, receiving accolades, etc. Jane, meanwhile, has struggled financially and professionally.”
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This already sounds troublesome, as Jane likely holds a grudge against her friend because she has been more successful than her. “We were chatting recently and she brought up the issue of DEI and said that the only reason why I’ve had more success is because I’m a visible minority,” she continued. “I was extremely hurt by the insinuation that my achievements are meaningless, and I’ve only succeeded because of some invisible quota.”
This woman is clearly kind and gracious, as she’s considering overlooking what Jane said because of the circumstances she was facing. “Jane has never said anything racist to me before,” she wrote. “Her comment came after a recent bad bout of luck (she was let go from her job), so I am open to the possibility she was not in her right mind. On the other hand, perhaps she has simply been good at hiding her racist beliefs.”
Slate’s advice columnist thought the woman was being extremely forgiving, perhaps even too much so.
Doree Shafrir, who wrote the column, responded to the woman’s conundrum with sound advice. “I can hear what a good, empathic friend you are in your letter,” she began. “I think most people would probably end their friendship with Jane after what she said to you without even giving it a second thought, and it’s really admirable that you are willing to even entertain the idea of giving her another chance.”
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Shafrir believed that the choice about what to do was ultimately up to the writer, but still offered her own thoughts. “The comments were so out of line that you shouldn’t dignify them with an actual response,” she argued. “And really, I’m not really sure there’s any coming back from this, but if you want to give Jane the chance to apologize, you could let her know how hurt you were by her comments, and see if she apologizes or walks them back at all. If you’re satisfied with her apology, and it sounds genuine, then maybe the friendship can be salvaged.”
As for Shafrir, she wasn’t sure she would personally be able to move on from what Jane said. She continued, “It’s clear that whatever bitterness and resentment Jane has about her professional shortcomings have been projected onto you for awhile now, and I just know if it were me, knowing she had even thought these things would just never really leave my brain.”
Women struggle to excel in the workplace because of gender bias.
A study from Yale University’s Professor Kelly Shue found that women were 14% less likely to be promoted at an unnamed large North American retailer, and that they were “judged as having a lower leadership potential than men.” Women naturally do not have as many opportunities in the workplace and are consistently passed over for men.
Because of this, you would think that friends would want to support each other and celebrate their successes. Instead, it seems like Jane let her envy take over. Whether her friend decides to preserve their friendship or not, what she said was really inexcusable.
Hopefully, this woman will take Shafrir's advice and let her friend know how hurt she was by her words. That's really the only way this friendship has even a hope of surviving.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
