How To Access The 'Secret History' Brilliant People Use To Eliminate Emotional Pain
Finding the language to heal parts of ourselves we didn't even know existed.
Andrii Nekrasov | Canva The way it's always been done isn't always the best way to do it. Sometimes, you have to pave your own way, even when others are resistant. Dr. Richard Schwartz, now a therapy pioneer, had to learn this the hard way.
As a young clinician in the 1980s, he realized that the standard of care for young Bulimic people wasn't working. In fact, sometimes it made their conditions worse. In pioneering a better way, he created a system of emotional healing that can bring almost instant relief to pretty much anyone who is struggling with emotional pain. People of all ages, with a wide variety of diagnoses and struggles, have benefitted ever since.
Dr. Schwartz's model was called Internal Family Systems. Despite the name, this is not family therapy. It treats the different parts of ourselves as if they are separate individuals, like they are a family. The goal is to allow the "bad part" to share their secret history and help heal emotional pain that goes deeper than we ever imagined.
Here's how to access the 'secret history' brilliant people use to eliminate emotional pain:
1. Learn your parts, the family you have inside
When working with young people, Dr. Schwartz kept hearing them talk about how something bad happens in their lives that triggers an inner critic who attacks them.
Dr. Schwartz explains, "It is the nature of the mind to be subdivided into an indeterminate number of subpersonalities or parts. Everyone has a Self, and the Self can and should lead the individual's internal system. As we develop, our parts develop and form a complex system of interactions among themselves. "
We develop a family system of parts within ourselves, and polarizations develop as parts try to gain influence within the system. This is how a harsh inner critic can develop. However, when the inner system is reorganized, parts can change rapidly.
Example: If you are someone who grew up without a parent who could be a supportive, loving care-taker, you may have learned that you cannot depend on anyone but yourself. As an adult, your independence may become a problem in relationships.
Your inner critic might shame you anytime you have a need. Say, if you are sick or injured, your inner critic might tell you that you're bad or weak for needing some support.
You may also have an inner protector who tells that inner critic to be quiet in order to protect the more vulnerable part of yourself. Now you have three parts you can name: the critic or bully, the protector and the vulnerable one.
2. Stop judging the 'bad' parts
To reorganize the inner system, we have to realize there are no bad parts. Dr. Schwartz breaks it down, "When we stop judging these parts of ourselves, we uncover the secret histories of how these parts of ourselves are frozen in time, often in trauma." As these parts struggle for control of the Self, they accumulate into burdens and can act in the extreme.
"The goal of therapy is not to eliminate parts but instead to help them find their non-extreme roles. All parts want something positive for the individual and will use a variety of strategies to gain influence within the internal system. Polarizations develop as parts try to gain influence within the system. Parts that become extreme are carrying burdens. Parts that have lost trust in the leadership of the Self will blend with or take over the Self."
There are no bad parts, but some parts are struggling to be heard or to take control.
Example: The inner critic or bully might seem bad, like it's trying to harm us. Dr. Schwartz might say that this "bad part" isn't trying to harm us.
3. Allow the 'bad part' to speak
Ask the struggling part questions and don't defend, just listen to that part's explanation of why it exists, what its struggles are, and how it can be helped.
"When carrying the burden of worthlessness, the burden of terror, or the burden of emotional pain from our traumas, the parts get frozen in time. They're stuck back during the trauma," explains Dr. Schwartz
"Our culture tells us to just move on from the memories and emotions of the trauma, not realizing [that by] doing that, we're locking away our most precious qualities just because they got hurt. Young parts that have experienced trauma often become isolated from the rest of the system to protect the individual from feeling the pain, terror, fear, and so on, of these parts."
Let those parts have a voice, let them explain, ask them questions. Let them have a voice. They just want to be heard.
Example: Once we allow the inner critic or bully to "speak", we may learn that it originated from a place of helpfulness. It was trying to protect us, not harm us. It might say, "Remember how Dad would yell when we asked for help or felt sick? I didn't want that to happen to us, because it was so painful."
4. Release the inner 'bad part'
When we stop judging the so-called bad parts of ourselves and instead show compassion, ask questions, and listen, we can reveal the "secret history" of where that "bad" part came from. People finally start healing when they stop letting one part bully or police the "bad" part, because then that part can be heard, dealt with, and finally released.
The way you relate to your parts parallels the way you relate to others. Only by releasing these parts, after they have been understood, can we eliminate the emotional pain of the past. Letting go of past pain allows us to relax within ourselves more and find more ease in our relationships with other people and the world around us.
Example: Your inner protector can stop policing the bad part once you understand why that part exists. You can even say, "Thank you for trying to protect me, but I'm an adult now and I want to be able to be vulnerable and ask for help sometimes."
5. Allow the protector to step down
The drive to prove ourselves as worthy by overachieving, developing eating disorders, becoming a workaholic, or other self-destructive habits gives rise to the idea that we have a family inside of ourselves, a family of parts struggling to be recognized and struggling for control.
Once we can unload the pain, the Protector inside of us can finally be heard, relax, and leave. So many people are hesitant to do psychotherapy and don't want to lie on the couch talking about childhood or parents for ten years. But you can often get instant relief when you identify those parts and the roles they play by giving them voice and understanding.
If you want to practice self-care, this is self-care of the highest degree. This is the self-care to create a person who is better and better able to be there for others. This is the self-care to heal the hidden parts of ourselves, which in turn is how we heal the world around us.
Note: This is one interpretation of the IFS model, based on this helpful podcast episode. You can learn more about the parts here on the IFS website.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
