The Subtle Difference Between A Man Who’s Actually Busy And One Who’s Just Wasting Your Time
Actions speak louder than words, as they say.
Gorodenkoff | Shutterstock Most of us who've been in the dating pool have encountered at least one person who's simply "too busy" to actually date. You can never nail them down. They change plans on a dime, and it quickly starts to feel like you're being strung along.
Then, when you try to break it off, you get a novel-length apology about how demanding their schedule is before the relationship peters out to nothing. What is this actually about? A dating expert said that it's all about actions, not words.
A dating strategist explained how to tell if a man is actually busy or just wasting your time.
Alejandra Maria, known as @anxiouslyalej on TikTok, is a dating strategist who consults with single women on how to navigate the ever more murky and choppy waters of the dating pool. In a recent video, she delved into this most annoying character in the dating world: the guy who's soooooo busy that trying to get to know him feels more like an exercise in futility than a challenge. (And while I am a man myself, I'm the gay variety, and trust me, the gay version of this exists too. You know who you are.)
But of course, the minute you suggest that they're not actually into you, they tend to get either defensive or effusively apologetic. It's mixed signals, up, down, and sideways, and especially if you're the type of person who is patient and understanding, it can be like trying to decipher Sanskrit to figure out where these individuals' interests actually lie. But Alejandra says it's actually very easy.
Truly busy guys will make an effort to schedule things. Time wasters never will.
It's really that simple. File it under the unwritten "if he wanted to, he would" rule of dating. A lot of us mistakenly assume these men are playing "hard to get," but Alejandra said that's absolutely the wrong assumption to make.
"Men do not play hard to get," she pointedly said in her video. And if I had to add to this from experience: Things like "work is just so crazy" and "I'm just so busy" are just excuses from a guy stringing you along because he wants to keep you on reserve.
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Alejandra went on to explain that she has dated truly busy men who run entire companies, for example, and worked breakneck schedules. "And you know what? They are excellent at prioritization and running their calendar," she said. Because they have to be. If they can't get that together for you, it's not because it's impossible. It's because they don't want to.
Genuinely interested men will be proactive about finding a way to work you into their lives, no matter how busy.
"You want to know the difference between the guy who is actually busy and the one who couldn't give a damn about you?" Alejandra pointedly said. "The guy who is actually busy responds to your message and says, I have back-to-back meetings all day. Let me call you at 7 and we'll figure this out." And then — this is crucial — he follows through at 7, and you actually do figure it out.
The other type of guy, she said, will have no consistency or follow-through. "He keeps telling you all the things that he wants to do and then… does absolutely nothing about it."
And here's the part where I must fall on my sword. I have been this guy, too. (Sorry, gents.) For me, it was always about social anxiety, not because I was trying to play games. But at the end of the day, is that any different than stringing people along? Different motivation, but same impact, and all of it arising from a ME problem.
"The guy who actually follows through, don't get it twisted," Alejandra said. "He's not doing it for you. He's doing it because that's who he is." She added that these guys "might not always be available, but he will never leave you guessing where you two stand and his actions reflect it."
Advice like "if he wanted to, he would" and "he's just not that into you" are often derided as too simplistic, but they resonate for a reason. So cut 'em loose, because at the end of the day, we tell other people how to treat us by what we're willing to accept. And your time is way too valuable for this nonsense!
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
