The Simple ’30-Second Rule’ Brilliant People Use To Win Others Over Almost Immediately
It's an easy way to open people up, whether you're at work or on a date.
Look Studio | Shutterstock Whether we work in a client-facing job, we're just trying to learn how to network, or we struggle in a first date scenario, being good at face-to-face interaction is a key skill for success in all areas of life these days — and one that can make many of us instantly feel uncomfortable. One leadership guru has an approach to impacting others that can make all the difference, and it couldn't be simpler, no matter how socially awkward you may feel. In fact, it's so simple that it only takes 30 seconds.
The simple '30-Second Rule' can help you win people over almost immediately.
If you listen to pretty much any expert these days, they all agree that networking is the linchpin of getting ahead in today's world. Technology has changed the structure of the job market and the workplace, so being qualified and good at what you do is no longer enough. Being willing to package yourself is what makes the difference.
Which is a tall order for anyone even remotely introverted, let alone those who struggle with social anxiety or have any kind of neurodivergence. Greasing the social wheels can feel mystifying, and hating small talk has basically become an article of faith for many people these days.
But John C. Maxwell, the bestselling author and leadership coach behind the eponymous Maxwell Institute, says all of this can be solved with just 30 seconds and one simple action. It's called the "30-second rule," and it's a deceptively simple mind trick.
The rule is to say something encouraging within the first 30 seconds of a conversation.
Yes, it really is that simple. One of Maxwell's tenets is to "touch the heart before asking for a hand." Basically, you need to establish a connection and rapport with anyone you want to influence or win over, and the 30-second rule is one of the ways to go about that.
Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, find something to call out or compliment that will make the person feel inspired. That's it, and it can be impactful at work, in social situations, and on dates. This rule applies to any situation where we're trying to connect with someone.
“Those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract cause us to withdraw," Maxwell said. Slotting in a kudos about a co-worker's presentation or a compliment on your date's outfit in the first 30 seconds helps establish this additive dynamic and helps them open up to us.
It has to be genuine, though, or at least feel genuine. And there's science to back him up. Studies have shown that words of encouragement can have an impact on everything from mood to a person's sense of balance. A 2021 study found that cheering on people with chronic ankle injuries actually helped them perform better on a balance beam test.
Usually, we try to make ourselves look good when meeting people. This method does the reverse.
This is a particular pitfall for those of us who hew more toward the anxious side of things, especially in situations where we perceive the other person to be of a higher status than we are.
That first conversation with a high-level business associate or those opening moments of a date can feel like a make-or-break opportunity to offer the best possible first impression, and that means talking ourselves up.
But Maxwell suggests we switch this around entirely. Instead of trying to make ourselves look good, make it the goal to make the other person feel good or encouraged. “All people feel better and do better when you give them attention, affirmation, and appreciation," Maxwell wrote in his book, "25 Ways to Win With People."
Mark Cole, one of Maxwell's associates, says this practice can be tricky to get the hang of, so he suggested preparing for it beforehand by thinking of some possible things you could say to whomever you're meeting with or speaking to so you don't have to go completely off the cuff.
The 30-second rule can not only help open up and disarm whoever you're talking to, who may be feeling every bit as awkward about the encounter as you are, regardless of their status, but it also projects confidence in yourself, whether you actually feel it or not. And that can open doors to connection and influence that could change everything.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
