8 Things An Adoptee Wishes Everyone Knew About Adoption And Our Broken System
Preying on people trying to do the right thing.
Anna Om via Shutterstock The topic of adoption has long been one-sided, dominated by well-meaning adoptive parents and the for-profit agencies that place kids into homes. That means the people who are supposed to benefit most from the system — the adoptees — have little say in their own stories. Because of that, there are many secrets in the adoption world most peole have never heard.
Fortunately, that trend is changing. In an interveiw with Andrea Miller on the Getting Open pdocast, Jean Widner, an adoptee born in 1965 and author of The Adoption Paradox, shared a few of the complexities that are too often overlooked: from attachment trauma to sealed birth certificates, and much more. She also shared her personal story of wonderful adoptive parents and a birth mother's rejection.
Ultimately, Widner wants the public to understand realilyt so that adoption can become a process that is focused on the well-being of the children it's designed to serve.
Here are 8 things one adoptee wishes families knew about the adoption system
1. The US adoption system is based on shame, not well-being
Widner's birth mother had a quintessential story for that time. She was an unwed young woman, sent away to give birth in secret because her experience was shameful. Though she was grateful and happy to be adopted, Widner had another backstory and existence that was hidden from her due to this shame.
When an adoption takes place legally, the original birth certificate that had the birth mother's name on it, is made into an unofficial document in the eyes of the state, and the adoptive parents are put on the new birth certificate as though they gave birth to the child, even though they didn't. Most states seal it away.
This is not to protect the children, but because adoption was a shameful and secretive thing at the time. It was be shameful for a couple not to have conceived naturally and have their own children. And it was shameful for an unwed mother to be pregnant out of wedlock.
2. 80% of the kids who are in orphanages shouldn't be there
We focus a lot on America's freedom, America's prosperity, and America's opportunities and we hold it there. Rather than focusing on the more human elements of what makes a happy family,, a happy person, or a whole person.
According to Reuters, it's estimated that 80% of the children in the world's orphanages are not actually orphans. They've been relinquished by one or both of their parents. And this sets up a disturbing situation of child exploitation.
In 2008, in Guatemala, one in every 100 live births ended with a child being adopted out of the country. Guatemala, along with numerous other countries, has stopped doing any international adoptions.
3. Adoptees have greater risks of potentially fatal health conditions
As a practical matter, when somebody is being adopted, it should ideally come with both parents' health records, even while keeping the identity anonymous to some degree. And without the father's information, the birth mother's information should be available as regards propensity for genetically linked illnesses and disorders. This is not possible with sealed records and inaccurate birth certificates.
4. Adoptees experience trauma as soon as they are separated from their birth parent
As Widner explains, when you separate an infant from its mother, the baby's nervous system knows. Anything and everything familiar is gone. This registers as a separation trauma, and it's pre-verbal.
When you start to look at common issues that express themselves in adopted individuals later in life, as a 2002 cohort study reinforced, there tend to be some commonalities:
- Adopted individuals, unfortunately, attempt or commit suicide at a rate four times the national average
- They are overrepresented in terms of addiction
- They are overrepresented in eating disorders
- And, they are overrepresented in other psychological manifestations of struggling with attachment
5. Many birth parents are coerced into choosing adoption, even today, even in the US, especially when they're minors
All the shame that comes with certain religious traditions, an adoption birth mother is often a product of that. And it takes a lot to achieve escape velocity and get out of that. A lot of women were coerced. They were railroaded into this decision and don't feel like it was a decision for them. So they have to know they tried their best, and love themselves enough to forgive themselves.
6. The majority of birth parents wouldn't have chosen adoption if they had enough money, even small amounts. It's preying on poor women and families.
International adoption is hailed as, you know, a wonderful way to help a child in need, unfortunately the USA is one of the last nations that is still adopting internationally. the Netherlands stopped all internet international incoming adoptions in 2021, as reported in Reuters.
Several other countries have also made that decision. The province of Quebec shut down any incoming international adoptions. Around 2000 International adoptions a year stiill happen in the United States. The number has fallen drastically, but there is very real pressure that we have a for profit adoption model in the United States.
7. Open adoption is almost always better for adoptee kids
In adoptions like Widner's, the mother was sent away. The child is immediately placed into a foster situation for a month or two until they are adopted. The birth parent had no control or say over where the child went and had no idea what happened to them. So in the 80s, they started to realize those birth mothers were struggling.
They started to allow birth parents or birth mothers, in particular, to meet and understand who was going to receive their child. So some level of contact was there, to varying degrees. Sometimes it was just a letter, sometimes it was updates. Sometimes there were phone calls, sometimes people would meet. In the 90s, they devolved into a more open model that can potentially take place.
An open adoption is the preferred model if an adoption is necessary when a child cannot be safely raised by the biological parent. If at all possible, birth parents should make themselves available to their bio kids for both their well-being, no matter of their ages.
8. The future of adoption in the USA needs to be addressed
Jean Widner frames her wealth of knowledge for the very near future of adoption in the US: "As our country now dismantles Roe v. Wade and nationwide access to abortion, one thing stands out. How we as a society will treat our unplanned-for children will say a lot about us. All of us.
We are embarking on a gigantic social experiment now in the United States, and we are all watching to see how these changes will impact our society. Rescuing at-risk children will be needed indefinitely. Sadly, there will always be parents who cannot, or should not, raise children — anyone’s children."
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
