9 Ways To Finally End An Unhealthy Relationship When You Feel Like You Just Can't Leave
Sometimes you have to be alone to heal.
Oleg Fotografo via Shutterstock If you're in a relationship that doesn't feel right, it's hard to believe you don’t deserve to be mistreated. No matter what anyone tells you, you should be treated with kindness and respect, even if you make a mistake.
Even if you self-sabotage or upset someone else, it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love and respect. Period. Hold on to this so you can break the cycle of betrayal and belittlement to get out of an unhealthy relationship and on with your life.
Here are nine ways to finally end an unhealthy relationship so you can heal:
1. Know you are worthy
First and foremost, you must accept that you are worthy of being in a healthy relationship, one that feeds you instead of debases you. Try to get back in touch with the person you were before the relationship, the person you were before you were treated badly.
- Were you a person in the world with lots of friends?
- Did you have a job that you loved?
- Did you take care of your mental and physical health?
Before you were driven down by this relationship, there were things you were proud of. Get back in touch with them.
Reach out to friends and family. If anyone can remind you how wonderful you are and remind you why you are lovable, it's them. If you are open and work to accept it, their love will go a long way toward believing you are worthy of getting out of an unhealthy relationship.
2. Identify the symptoms
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An important part of breaking a cycle of unhealthy relationships and getting out of it is to truly accept that the relationship is bad. A few signs your relationship is a bad one and getting out of it is a good idea are:
- You don’t feel good about yourself.
- You are willing to accept blame for everything.
- Your friends and family don’t like your partner.
- The relationship is impacting your life in negative ways.
- Nothing changes despite promises made.
- You spend lots of time looking up information on toxic relationships.
Take some time and consider whether any of the symptoms relate to your relationship. If even one does, perhaps you can accept your relationship is an unhealthy one and get more clarity about whether it's time to get out. A 2021 study of control in romantic relationships included "monitoring behaviors, controlling behaviors, demeaning behaviors, threatening and aggressive behaviors, and jealous and possessive behaviors" as signs of an unhealthy relationship.
3. Consider why you are staying
Many people don’t understand why someone stays in an unhealthy relationship. After all, everyone deserves to be treated well by someone who says they love them. But people stay in bad relationships for many reasons, and understanding them might help you.
- Your parents were in a toxic relationship, so it's all you know.
- Your past relationships might have been toxic, too, so you think being mistreated is normal.
- You feel insecure about your place in the world.
- You have low self-esteem and don’t believe you deserve better.
- You believe that if you stay and love your person enough, you can fix them.
- You are a hopeless romantic and believe passion in any form is your happily ever after.
- You tend to self-sabotage.
Understanding why you might stay for reasons other than love is an excellent way to get clarity around whether or not you are capable of walking away from the relationship.
4. Be honest with someone who loves you
A key part of removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship is to get support and accountability. After all, we might tell ourselves we want to get out, but we rarely do it.
Having someone who loves you and knows about your plan will accomplish two things. The first is someone who loves you can emphasize the importance of getting out of the relationship. They will support you in your decision and help plan the next steps. The second thing they will do is hold you accountable for following through. It’s easy to change your mind, but having someone else hold you accountable makes not doing it harder.
5. Commit to ending it
To successfully do anything difficult requires a level of commitment to follow through. It's easy to say you will stop eating ice cream, watching so much TV, or staying in an unhealthy relationship, but following through can be difficult.
If you truly want to break the cycle and get out of your unhealthy relationship, you must be 100% committed to doing so. It won’t be easy. If it were easy, you would have done it already. If you say you will go and don’t, you feel worse and make it even harder to leave. So, before you go down this road, ask how committed you are to getting it done! If you aren't quite ready, pause until you are.
6. Accept that you have to cut off contact
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Many people in unhealthy relationships are addicted to the relationship, to the person they are in the relationship with, and the drama that is part of it. I know it seems counterintuitive, but it is one of the reasons people stay.
So, you must cut off all contact with your soon-to-be ex. Much like an alcoholic needs to stop drinking completely to heal, you must cut off your ex. Cutting off your ex means going no contact and disconnecting with them on social media. You have to block them and commit to not stalking them.
Many of my clients say this feels “harsh,” and they don’t want to do it. The reality is they keep the door open in case their person comes back, committed to change. What happens instead is their person comes back, and the cycle repeats itself over and over.
You must commit to not stalking your ex, to not going on social media to see how or what they are doing. If you do, it will make you miss them, and you might reach out to them and, again, the whole cycle will restart.
7. Set clear boundaries
If you are going to break the cycle of an unhealthy relationship, you must set clear boundaries.
Examples of boundaries might be:
- Not interacting with your ex if they reach out.
- Not looking for closure.
- If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
- Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
- Meeting them only in a public place.
If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:
- Not rehashing old wounds.
- Keeping contact business-like.
- Minimizing seeing each other in person.
Setting boundaries for yourself will help you see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing. The Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy recommended "addressing issues around identity development, communication, power/control dynamics, and intentionality" when setting personal breakup boundaries.
8. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself
Many people find themselves stunned when considering whether or not to walk away from an unhealthy relationship because they get too far ahead of themselves, and it makes the whole thing too daunting to manage. If you are going to break the cycle, you must take the process day by day.
When we get too far ahead, we look to an unknown future. We think we will never love or be loved again. We will never see our soon-to-be ex again, and that idea is inconceivable. We think we will destroy our finances, hurt our children, or ruin our prospects. We worry about things we have no idea whether they will occur or not.
So, for now, try to focus on what’s in front of you — walking away. You might worry, but you also might not have to. It all depends on what happens as you take each step.
9. Get professional help
Our friends and family are truly great. They only want what is best for us. Yet, many friends and family bring their baggage into their support of you, and sometimes it isn't so helpful.
Perhaps your friend had a bad encounter with your relationship partner and has unproductive anger toward them. Perhaps they have been through a similar situation and believe things should be done a certain way. Or they might try to talk you out of your decision.
A professional life coach will help you take the steps to successfully get out of your unhealthy relationship if it is the right move for you. A professional is a friend without an agenda who supports you but doesn't bring any of their baggage into the process.
The idea of professional help might be daunting, but it is something that could make a big difference for you to successfully move on.
You might not believe you are worthy or capable of taking these steps and breaking free, but you are. You are a person who deserves to be loved and love in return in a way to feed the positive in your life.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
