11 Things You’ll Only Understand If Your Mom Was Your First And Biggest Hater
Some mothers aren't the loving, nurturing caregivers we expect them to be.
Nickolay Stanev / Shutterstock When people think of mothers, they typically imagine them in two ways. Moms are either seen as loving and caring angels who give their children unconditional love, nurse them back to health when they are sick, and put aside their own needs to make sure their kids are okay, or they are seen as these undercover superheroes who would walk through hell with gasoline underwear to rescue their kids if they are in danger.
It might surprise you to know that not all mothers live up to flowery, ready-to-risk-it-all stereotypes. As a matter of fact, some moms are their children's first and biggest hater. They treat them more like competition than someone they love, and go on to become their son or daughter's strongest opposition over time. And people who grew up with a mom like this share some specific understandings.
1. What it feels like to have the person who created you regret your very existence
There are mothers in this world who don't see their children as a blessing. Instead, they are reminded every day that they made what they perceive as a mistake by bringing their kids into this world. There are several reasons that this dynamic might exist, and they usually have nothing to do with who their kids are as people.
Perhaps they feel ill-equipped to care for them, or the relationship with their child's father did not work out as expected, and the life they created together reminds them that it didn't go well. Either way, these moms cannot show genuine love and consideration because of how they view themselves. And they are not alone. A 2022 poll by YouGov showed that 28% of parents somewhat regretted having children.
2. What it's like to grow up being constantly criticized
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Constructive criticism from your mother is completely normal and healthy. After all, it is her job to guide you, teach you social norms, and help you make the best decisions. But a mom who is constantly critical of everything you do, your looks, and your accomplishments likely has a toxic relationship with you.
Rather than being a source of empowerment, these critiques cut you down, lower your confidence and self-esteem, and make you uncertain if you are even capable of good decision-making.
3. Believing that you are the only person you can truly count on for support
Moms who have more of a hate than love relationship with their children don't support them in their dreams or ambitions. They leave their kids to navigate life circumstances alone and refuse to offer any encouragement. They even dismiss everything their kids achieve, minimizing it and making it seem irrelevant.
This lack of support can come from unresolved childhood trauma, a dismissive parenting style, emotional burnout, or the mother's own insecurities. Unsupported children can lack confidence and trust, have trouble setting boundaries, become overly sensitive, and feel like they are never enough.
For some, having a supportive mom is a luxury, not a guarantee. When they hear others talk about how supportive their mothers are, it's a foreign concept that they cannot wrap their minds around.
4. Learning that affection is conditional
If your mom is your first and biggest hater, it will be clear that she only shows love and affection when you conform to her expectations. If you validate her ideas, opinions, and needs, you will be celebrated and seemingly receive the connection that you desperately want from the woman who birthed you.
But all of that goes out the window the moment you decide to oppose her. Whether it be standing up for yourself, expressing your own thoughts that contradict hers, or sharing your own needs, it will result in immediate withdrawal of the love, leaving you confused as to whether or not it was ever real.
5. How your mother's manipulative behavior left you feeling constantly insecure
Manipulative behavior from toxic moms tends to go hand-in-hand with conditional affection. Rather than expressing heartfelt emotions, she engages in a push-and-pull, giving them when you are doing what she wants, and taking them away when you have failed to meet her expectations.
She uses guilt tripping and emotional blackmail to control your actions and decisions, fully aware that you want her validation and approval, but that you will only receive it if you toe the line. This can leave her child feeling insecure and emotionally unstable.
6. Having the entire history of your childhood rewritten
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Gaslighting is a term that's often used when discussing the behaviors of a narcissist. It happens when someone tries to make you doubt your own reality. They try to convince you that your feelings, memories, experiences, and even your sanity are incorrect. It is a form of emotional manipulation, and according to Crisis House, psychological abuse.
Mothers who do this dismiss their children's feelings and twist facts to make themselves feel better about their actions. According to some, they will do this in a blatant attempt to rewrite history in order to allow herself to sleep peacefully at night, because to admit that she treated her children so horribly would mean that she has to take steps to change, and moms who are their kids' first and biggest haters have trouble with taking accountability.
7. Talking to people who have supportive moms is like talking to aliens
Moms are expected to provide the bare necessities for their kids: food, clothing, shelter, and safety. But mothers who express disdain for their offspring often neglect them, refusing to give the emotional, physical, or financial support necessary.
This neglect can show up in many ways. She can skip being there for you in your time of need, or she can outright neglect you by not providing the minimum things necessary to sustain life. Neglectful mothers put their own needs ahead of their children's and show little concern for their safety and security.
When you grew up with a mom who disregarded you and your most basic, talking to people who had loving, supportive parents can feel like you're literally talking to someone from another planet.
8. How painful it is to growing being subjected to constant, hurtful comparisons
Moms who dislike their children can sometimes see the greatness in others, but seem to have on blinders when it comes to recognizing their child's positive attributes. They say things like, "Why can't you be more like... ?" or "So and so's daughter just did... " in blatant attempts to make their kids feel inadequate or like they are less than others.
One of the excuses this type of mom makes is that she is just getting her child ready for the real world, where they will be faced with constant criticism and negativity. But the real world also requires emotional stability, self-confidence, and a strong support system, things she conveniently overlooks.
9. What it's like to grow up with no privacy or boundaries
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A mom who is your biggest hater doesn't believe that you have a right to privacy. She tells you that as long as you are under her roof, your business is hers, along with your belongings. She will bust into your bedroom unannounced, looking for any material she can use to justify the cycle of emotional abuse you are kept in.
Children in her home are not allowed to have boundaries or personal space. Their mom must know every detail of their private life, and it's not to support them. They will pick apart everything their children do and go through their things just to let them know who is in charge.
10. What it's like to know that no one else can ever hurt you that badly
People who come from a family where their parents speak life into them, uplift them, and are careful with their words have a hard time understanding mothers who yell at their children, make derogatory comments about their character or appearance, or call them names that you would never expect to hear in a parent-child relationship.
But those verbally abusive moms are out there, and they refuse to bite their tongues when it comes to expressing disappointment and frustration in their sons are daughters. They have no qualms about letting demeaning words fly when they think it's time to put their kids in their place. Many of them believe wholeheartedly that because they gave birth, the kids are theirs to treat however they see fit.
One of the worst ways that a mother can show her child that she is their first and biggest hater is through physical abuse. While most emotionally healthy moms would do anything to keep their kids from harm, some take out their woes on innocent children because they are not strong enough to deal with their own demons.
There are many reasons a mother might abuse her child. She, too, may have suffered the same; she could abuse substances or suffer from mental illness, or have a lack of understanding regarding normal child development and behaviors. None of these are valid excuses to abuse a child, and mothers who do it should be held accountable, and their children should be protected from maternal harm.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that delivers informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
