Mom Who Regrets The 'Relentless, Dream-Crushing' Responsibility Of Motherhood Asks How To Cope
It's something that more women need to talk about.
Roman Samborskyi | Shutterstock Motherhood is often painted in soft, glowing tones with images of unconditional love and quiet fulfillment, but for many women, the reality is far more complicated. Often hidden due to societal pressure, there can be undercurrents of resentment that many parents struggle with. It’s not a lack of love for their children, but about the erosion of the life they once envisioned.
When your child's life begins, yours seems to end. Self-sacrifice isn’t sustainable, nor is it fair for the parent or the child. Your children need you at your best, and that starts by putting your needs first. Just as you wouldn’t put someone's oxygen mask on before your own, you can’t fully show up for your children if you are constantly running on empty.
A mom regrets the responsibility of motherhood and asks others online how to cope with it.
A mother of two posted on Reddit to openly share her experience raising her two children and how motherhood has been challenging. "We have really fun times together," she said in the post, "but even during those, I’m secretly resenting the time I’m not getting to spend on all the adult things I enjoy."
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She stated that she finds the responsibility of being a parent "relentless, dream-crushing, poverty-inducing, and usually thankless." Many provided her with reassurance that she wasn't the only parent who felt that way. With one user explaining that "being a mother" and falling into the "trappings of motherhood" are two separate things.
For instance, being a mother means loving your children and wanting the best for them, but the trappings of motherhood often mean being expected to always put their needs first, never complain, and sacrifice your career, hobbies, or identity without acknowledgement.
For so many parents, loving the moments but resenting the role is extremely common, even if most people are too scared to say it out loud.
This doesn’t make someone a bad parent, and we need to relieve parents of the stigma of the you want this, so suffer through it mentality. At the end of the day, parents, just like anyone else, had dreams, autonomy, and a strong sense of who they were before children came along. Whether the mother knows it or not, she is grieving the person she used to be before she had her children.
"I tried therapy for this but out of three providers, all three felt I was just suffering postpartum depression and burn out," she said. It may seem hard to conceptualize it, but some people weren’t meant to be parents. Unfortunately, for society, no one will know unless they have one of their own whether or not they’re cut out for it.
According to Liisa Hantsoo, Ph.D., of Johns Hopkins Center for Women’s Reproductive Mental Health, an estimated 85% of mothers experience the "postpartum blues" after giving birth. "People tend to think of depression as sadness, but that’s not always the case," Hantsoo said. It can be anxiety, lack of sleep, and irritability. These symptoms are a normal part of the postpartum adjustment period, but they’re often misunderstood or overlooked."
That's obviously not the feeling that this mom is trying to convey. Her distaste for motherhood isn't related to the hormonal shift following birth or the exhaustion of the act of caring for children. Her resentment is in coming to terms with the fact that she misses her old life and the dreams she had for herself.
The mom's resentment isn't really about having kids; it's about the unacknowledged loss of her identity.
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If one thing is to be taken away from this whole situation, it is that she may be projecting her dissatisfaction with her own life onto motherhood and her children, rather than looking inward. If she examined what would make her happy rather than focusing on what doesn’t, then she might find that the reason she is in such a rut is because of her lack of incentive to do something different.
Joy doesn’t have to come from big life changes; it can begin with small acts of reclaiming yourself. For her, it could be revisiting hobbies that once lit her up before parenting took center stage. Whether it’s painting, writing, baking, or even outdoor activities, these moments can gently remind her that her identity isn’t limited to what her children need.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
