5 Subtle Behaviors That Reveal A Person Has Zero Empathy For Other People (Though They'll Never Admit It)
Some people just don't know how to feel things for other people.
Guillaume Issaly | Unsplash A critical factor in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, is the ability to understand and be sensitive to the other person's feelings, whether or not you feel the same way about the same things at the same moment in time.
Empathy is one of the most important traits for you to have and know how to identify. Being empathetic is a fundamental aspect of intimacy and emotional intelligence. If you hope to keep healthy interpersonal relationships, it's important to look for others who can empathize with you and what you are feeling (and that you do the same). Unfortunately, sometimes you may encounter individuals who lack empathy.
A lack of empathy, known as apathy, is the inability to consider the emotional state of others. That is, they can't comprehend what other people are feeling. People who lack empathy might joke about someone's emotions or circumstances, and could also have a difficult time actively listening to others. Unfortunately, there are men and women who go through life with a complete lack of empathy.
Unempathetic people simply do not understand the meaning of empathy or why it's important to empathize with others. For a variety of reasons, empathy remains completely beyond their frame of reference, and they are simply incapable of — or even disinterested in — grasping the feelings of others. To help you quickly identify a lack of empathy, keep an eye out for (and stay away from!) people with these personality traits, because they have no idea what it means to be empathetic.
Here are five subtle behaviors that reveal a person has zero empathy for other people:
1. They tend to be stoic and cold
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Unemotional, apathetic people are fundamentally not equipped to understand what empathy means. Unemotional people do not feel their feelings themselves.
When they are struggling with sadness, anxiety, or depression, they do their best to stuff their feelings down. They "keep busy" or "suck it up" and push through whatever it is that they are feeling.
And if people can’t understand their feelings, they can't understand the feelings of others. They expect others to also ignore their feelings, pack them away, unexamined, and go on with their lives.
So, if expressing emotions is important for you, stay away from unemotional people. If they are that way now, they will never change.
2. They tend to be self-absorbed
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People who are self-absorbed think of themselves, their issues, and their place in the world first. Sometimes, they can think of no one other than themselves. They put their needs above the needs of all others.
Imagine sitting across from someone who is concerned only with themselves and trying to get that person to care about how you are thinking or feeling. You want them to work to understand your emotions and support you in them. Impossible, doesn't it seem?
People who think only of themselves will always put themselves first and never give you the empathy you need.
Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others, while self-absorption is characterized by an excessive focus on oneself and one's own needs. Research has found that social media and the emphasis on image and performance can contribute to self-focused behavior, where individuals prioritize how they are perceived over authentic connections.
3. They tend to be judgmental
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Judgmental people tend to judge everyone around them harshly. They are sometimes even overly judgmental of themselves. As a result, their first instinct is not to empathize with how someone is feeling but, instead, to judge them.
Imagine trying to explain to someone how devastated you are that your boyfriend is fooling around on you again. You are so sad and confused and need empathy.
Most likely, a judgmental person isn't going to feel your pain, but is going to judge you for being such a loser that you keep going back to your guy. They will tell you to suck it up and move on, and not look back. How helpful will that be?
A 2013 study explained that those with limited empathy often prioritize their own needs and feelings, seeking to control their environment and others' behavior to suit themselves. They may be less likely to take responsibility for their discomfort and instead blame and expect others to alleviate it.
4. They tend to be insecure
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Many people who just can’t understand the meaning of empathy are people who are fundamentally insecure. And people who are insecure have a hard time connecting with the emotions of others because they are so unsure of who they are in the world.
Someone who is insecure struggles with their feelings of self-worth and the validity of their own emotions, so trying to understand and feel the feelings of another will be almost impossible.
Don’t seek empathy from someone who isn't happy with who they are in the world. They might mean to be empathetic and work hard to be so, but, fundamentally, they just won’t have the capacity to be so ... at least, not right now.
Avoidant attachment involves a strong emphasis on self-reliance and discomfort with intimacy, potentially leading individuals to distance themselves emotionally from others' experiences. Research suggests that in the case of narcissists, grandiose and self-promoting behaviors are often driven by underlying insecurity and unstable self-esteem.
5. They tend to be selfish
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The personality trait that is most prevalent in people who don’t understand the meaning of empathy are people who are selfish.
Selfish people often also exhibit all the traits above, plus an overwhelming tendency to not care about anyone other than themselves. Not only are they not capable of empathy, but they aren't even interested in trying to be empathetic in any way.
First and foremost, their needs and emotions are center stage, and how anyone else is feeling doesn't even register on their awareness meter. So, if you need empathy, stay away from that friend who always thinks of herself first. Find someone willing to think of others first, at least some of the time.
For many people, understanding the meaning of empathy is impossible because emotions are scary, and the emotions of others are even scarier.
Those people are not only unhelpful when others need empathy, but they can often cause more harm than good because their inability to connect can make the other feel neglected or abandoned.
So, as you pick your romantic partner and your friends, stay away from people who display personality traits that have no idea what empathy means.
If they are self-absorbed, selfish, insecure, emotionless, or judgmental, they might be fun to hang out with, but they are not the people you can trust when you are at your most vulnerable.
And remember, people are as you see them today. Don’t expect anyone to change just because you need them. So be cautious. You will be glad you were!
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
