5 Signs Your Partner Is Going Through The Motions, Not Feeling Real Connection

Your partner might say all the right things, but these signs suggest the emotional connection just isn't there.

Last updated on Aug 02, 2025

Partner is going through the motions. Dillon Wanner | Unsplash
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There's a scene in Uptown Girls where Molly's ex approaches her wanting her back, but she refuses. "Ever since we met, it's about what I'm doing wrong ... but I’m not the one with the problem. 

You are, you and your selfishness. All you do is take. I’ve got nothing for you right now, so ... maybe it’s time to start thinking about someone other than yourself.”

I saw this movie when I was a little girl, and little did I know that it would become my reality as an adult. It's like I stepped into the scene, but wasn't strong enough to read Molly’s lines. Instead, I waited until the guy walked away from me. I saw the end before we even started... but decided to give it a shot anyway.

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Once my relationship with this selfish person ended, I surprisingly felt relieved when I walked away from his apartment, almost like I just had a tapeworm extracted. I was free again. In the end, this dude kept telling me how he cares about me. Yet, no matter how many times he repeated those words, I couldn't believe them once — he was just going through the motions.

He couldn't care about me. How could he possibly care about anyone? The only person a selfish person can ever truly care about is himself. To ask me to stay in his life, so he could “have his cake and eat it too,” was the final confirmation that he was 110% team him. This article is a nod to the leech I let suck my emotions dry, and a warning for anyone dating someone who exhibits these selfish ways.

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Here are five signs your partner is going through the motions, not feeling a real connection:

1. They refuse to compromise

woman who is going through the motions making her partner come to her Yuri A / Shutterstock

They never try to find a compromise or meet somewhere in the middle. They want to do as little work as possible because if not, they are doing something selfless, which is not who they are. 

They don't want to inconvenience themselves for someone else. They will make you come to them, always.

When a partner consistently avoids making compromises, it suggests they're prioritizing their own needs and comfort over the relationship and their partner's well-being. Research shows that a lack of reasonable compromise can negatively impact relationship satisfaction over time.

RELATED: 30 Red Flags In Relationships That Point To Someone Controlling You

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2. They don't try and fix things that bother you

woman is going through the motions who doesn't try to fix things that bother partner simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock

If you tell your partner something that makes you upset, he should make an effort to fix the problem so you won't get hurt again. A selfish person won't care about your feelings and will keep hurting you.

While not every unaddressed issue indicates a partner is disengaged, it can be a warning sign when combined with other negative behaviors. Renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman identified behaviors like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as major predictors of relationship failure. Ignoring a partner's concerns can be a form of stonewalling or defensiveness.

RELATED: 7 Reasons People Would Rather Be in An Unhealthy Relationship Than Alone

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3. They make plans without giving any thought to yours

man who is going through the motions as he is making plans without any thoughts to hers Pormezz / Shutterstock

In other words, they always do what's best and convenient for them, but never both of you as a unit. They let you know what they're doing at the last second because if something better pops up that's in their interest, they'll take that route instead. 

This is because they don't care about you; they care about themselves. And when you are around, they will still be doing their own thing.

For example, they will do an activity while you're there that they could have done on their own time, like work out, shower, or fold laundry. They only pay attention to you when it strokes their ego or makes them feel good.

That also means they contact you when they feel like it. And when you ask for the bare minimum in return, it will be all too much for them to handle because considering anyone else's feelings is just not in their nature.

When someone consistently disregards their partner's schedule, it can indicate a lack of empathy, meaning they struggle to understand or consider their partner's feelings and needs. A 2024 study suggested that unresolved issues and a lack of empathy can breed resentment and dissatisfaction within the relationship.

RELATED: Couples Who Normalize These 8 Behaviors Are Actually in A Dysfunctional Relationship, According To Psychology

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4. They are the masters of excuses

man who is going through the motions as the master of excuses Yuri A / Shuterstock

They're “too busy” or “tired,” or didn't have their phone on them, aka they don't care to take two seconds to respond to you because doing so does not serve them. If you were to send them a risky picture, however, that person would respond right away because it works in their favor to do so — to get more from you.

You see, it's another opportunity for them to profit (unlike a real conversation where that person has to also give in return). 

A 2018 study explained that constant excuses, particularly those that lack genuineness or deflect responsibility, can erode the foundation of trust and emotional intimacy in a relationship. When a partner consistently fails to be accountable, it can lead to feelings of doubt and insecurity, hindering genuine connection.

RELATED: 15 Clear-As-A-Bell Signs It's Time To End Things With Someone

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5. They take until there's nothing left for you to give

man who is going through the motions as he takes and takes until nothing is left Studio Romantic / Shutterstock

They will continue to take everything they can from you, whether that be consoling, attention, intimacy — anything and everything until you're given out. The second you put your foot down on giving, they are already out the door. 

Because they aren’t built for compromise and solutions when the only thing they see when looking out into the world ... is their reflection.

Once a selfish person has seen all you have to offer, or the relationship is coming to a point where they need to start giving, they will call it quits because it no longer serves their interests alone. When that happens, it's time for them to leave and become someone else's parasite.

RELATED: If A Man Is Doing These 10 Things, Psychology Says You're Not Even On His Radar

Ravishly is a feminist news+culture website and community that shares the things that celebrate the mess of being human.

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