The Art Of Releasing Shame: 4 Simple Habits Of People Who Refuse To Feel Bad For Being Human
People who've learned to release shame don't hide from their flaws.
kudla | Shutterstock I’ve been there. Full of shame and doing everything in my power to control myself, my situation, and everyone else around me, slowly destroying every relationship I ever had.
We all carry moments we wish we could erase: things we said, did, or didn't do that linger in our minds like an embarrassing highlight reel. But shame isn't just uncomfortable, it's paralyzing. It convinces you you're broken instead of simply human. The people who learn to relsease shame don't magically forget their mistakes; they change how they relate to them.
Here are 4 simple habits of people who refuse to feel bad for being human:
1. They start nurturing and putting themselves first
Acknowledge your feelings, learn to feel, and be aware of what is happening to you right now so you don’t cover them up with shame and anger. Start being compassionate towards yourself, and you will notice the feelings of control fade as you no longer need to protect yourself. You are being authentic at last.
Research on the impact of self-compassion on shame-proneness in social anxiety showed that "self-compassion might be an alternative strategy for cognitive reappraisal in the management of shame-proneness and social anxiety".
2. They stop trying to control others
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Accept that other people’s feelings, thoughts, and words have nothing to do with you. You have no control over whether they are happy or sad. Those emotions are only in their control.
This feels immensely freeing and takes a great burden off your shoulders. In this way, you will let go of the false beliefs you hold about yourself. You let go of the feeling of total worthlessness.
3. They confront their emotions
Write all of your feelings down and face them, write down what you are scared of, what you’ve been deceiving yourself with. Write down everything. Don’t stop writing until every emotion is on paper, then take the papers and burn them. Watch the ashes go up in the sky. You will release yourself from these feelings.
A study of cathartic style writing found that "participants were emotionally stronger, less upset, and less cognitively avoidant about the particular difficult life event they wrote about compared to an event they did not write about."
4. They find the positive
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There is always another way of seeing something. I managed to turn the entire relationship around with my mother to a loving, supportive one, and I began to see the strength and courage from my situation.
I saw my entire life through "new glasses" once I decided I would look at it differently. I felt no shame or regret because these experiences have made me who I am today — and I am proud to be me. Shame researcher Brené Brown's theory for understanding shame and its impact on women included acknowledged vulnerability, critical awareness, and mutually empathic relationships.
We keep the secret to ourselves, pretending it’s not real, surrounding the whole thing in shame. Until we see the effects on our marriages, our children, and our friends, the mother-daughter relationship molds everything. Do not underestimate the power and intensity of this relationship.
So why did I feel such shame that drove me to control everything? Simply because it made me feel that there was something wrong with me — I really believed I was totally worthless.
I believed there had to be something very wrong with me if my own mother didn't love me, and I became addicted to this feeling of shame. It allowed me to feel in control of other people’s feelings — that somehow, if it was my fault, then I could change it.
If I let them have their power, it left me feeling helpless over their behavior. This continued throughout my childhood, unknowingly. I learned how to blame everyone and everything else, never accepting any responsibility. It was always their fault — I controlled how they felt.
As a little girl, I developed feelings of low self-worth, which continued to grow through my adult life. I had so many feelings that I hid from others and denied them to myself, shrouding myself in guilt and shame.
As long as I kept the feelings of shame, I masked other feelings of loneliness, fear, resentment, and sadness, which I couldn't bear to feel. I would rather feel the pain I was causing myself than the feelings of what was happening in my life. In this way, I felt in control.
As long as I had control, I would not let go of my belief in total worthlessness.
If you’re at this place right now, a place where you know that there's something better for you, that you're not living the life you want to live, think about getting some support through this. It’s a sign of courage to reach out and ask for help. Why? Because it’s not easy. It will be a step in life you’ll never regret.
I wish you all of the very best. Moving from shame and heartache to joy and love is the most incredible experience, and no one should have to do this alone.
Louise Armstrong is a family relationship coach, counselor, author, and clinical hypnotherapist.
