11 Signs Your Partner Secretly Resents You, According To Psychology
The small-but-telling signs your love has soured into quiet resentment.
Ivandrei Pretorius | Canva I’ve been in more than one relationship that started well but eventually turned into a resentment-filled mess. And much of it was because we’re often socialized not to voice concerns out of fear of being “rude.”
By the time we talked about it, my resentment for my partner had blown up into full-on hatred, and I know I'm not alone. Resentment can build and build if never addressed, causing serious problems in relationships... and is likely a major cause of breakups.
Looking back, I realize that I needed to just walk away or talk to him about it. But being on the receiving end of resentment isn’t all that fun, either. I’ve been there, too. I only wish that I had figured it out before it got out of hand.
The good news is, there are warning signs of resentment in relationships. If you notice these signs, you may need to have a long talk with your spouse about partner resentment ... or just find a new relationship altogether. After all, it’s hard to cure resentment once it sets in.
Here are 11 signs your partner secretly resents you, according to psychology:
1. They’ve been unusually quiet
Don’t get me wrong. Quiet moments can happen even with the loudest people, and they can be comfortable silences.
A lot of people, particularly when it comes to loud extroverted types, will get dead silent when they are angry or resentful of the person they’re with.
2. They don't rely on you for the same responsibilities anymore
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This is a really, really bad sign, and it’s a sign I constantly warn people about. If your partner used to constantly ask you to do something, then stopped asking you to do it, this often is a sign that they’ve come to resent you and no longer expect you to rise to the occasion.
Or, worse still, it could be a sign that they no longer want to try to save the relationship and are working on an exit strategy.
3. They express displeasure through subtle digs
Does your partner now leave dirty dishes in the sink, knowing that it’s a pet peeve? Did they just so happen to “forget” that it’s date night? More often than not, partners who resent their spouses will resort to passive-aggression rather than talk things out.
While not every instance of passive-aggressive behavior signifies secret resentment, its increasing prevalence in a relationship warrants attention. A 2019 American Psychological Association (APA) study explained that recognizing the signs, understanding the underlying causes, and engaging in honest and open communication are crucial steps toward addressing the issue and fostering a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.
4. They flip out at you when you try to talk to them
If someone resents you, they tend to want to avoid anything to do with you. This includes talking to you, especially about hard subjects.
If they immediately flip out and try to turn any wrongdoing they did onto you, then you already should have suspected that resentment may have crept in.
5. They regularly make disparaging remarks about you or something you enjoy
If you’re with a partner who resents you being a high earner, they will often make it known by making cutting “jokes” about your work. Similarly, people who just generally resent you will often go out of their way to say things that are hurtful just so that they feel like they “got one on you.”
6. They occasionally make 'jokes' about leaving you
These jokes might seem like they're harmless, but the truth is that healthy relationships would never involve jokes like this. This type of "joke" is often indicative of what they feel like doing. Should this happen with your spouse, you may want to talk to them about how they feel.
When a partner casually jokes about hitting or leaving, it's rarely about humor. One study argued that this type of behavior is often a sign of hostility with hints that they may harbor resentment or even aggression.
7. They give off an icy vibe
In resentment-free relationships, that icy roommate thing doesn't happen. This typically suggests that the person you're with has checked out emotionally and no longer is even trying to keep the spark alive.
Or worse, this may mean that they just can't stand the idea of being with you and are trying to pretend you're a roommate.
8. They give off a sense of anger simmering just beneath the surface
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Resentful people are angry people. They're angry because they are just not happy with the way things are going and because they are disappointed with how life turned out.
If you've noticed your partner getting an increasingly angry vibe, then there's a good chance that they may be resentful of you.
Suppressing emotions like anger might seem like a peaceful strategy, but it often ruins trust between partners. Research has found that this dynamic includes things like subtle irritability, withdrawal, and avoidance.
9. They seem jealous of your accomplishments
Whether we like it or not, it's possible to have a partner who resents our successes, and it can happen to almost anyone. If you've been skyrocketing your career while your partner has gotten laid off, he may be resentful of your success.
This isn't something with an easy fix, but you should consider talking to him about how he's been feeling.
10. They do things they know you hate or try to provoke you into an argument
This is also known as "baiting," because they're baiting you for an argument. The reason that resentful people do this is because they want to have an excuse to yell at you without it seeming "out of the blue."
This is also done by abusers who are trying to establish a certain power dynamic.
11. They seem to lack empathy
Back in the day, they would come running to you if they saw you crying. Nowadays, your complaints or tears are met with an eye roll, silence, or just walking away.
When resentment takes root, it creates a barrier to empathy. A 2022 study explained that this occurs because the resentful individual may feel justified in their negative feelings and become less willing to consider their partner's perspective or emotional state.
At this point, this is a sign that you may want to just break it off with him. No one deserves to be with a partner who lacks empathy.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
