How To Make A Man Fall In Love & Get Him To Commit (Before Being Intimate)
How to have an emotional connection before a physical one.
Kitkat Pajaro | Canva When it comes to being intimate, men and women tend to view things differently. Women think about it, for sure, but men are more likely to obsess over it. As a woman wading through the world of dating and relationships, this difference often comes into play when you’re trying to figure out not only how to make a guy want you, but how to make him fall in love with you, and how to get him to commit. The tale usually goes like this: You’re dating a guy and you like him. You’ve gone on a couple of dates together and you can see a future with him. He's ready to get physically intimate and you know you’re not ready, but you’re afraid you’ll scare him off or hurt his feelings if you say "no" to being intimate. Fortunately, you can learn how to get him to commit without compromising your own values and desires, and the first thing you need to learn is how men think. When it comes to being intimate, it’s easy to paint men with a broad brush, but in truth, intimacy is often about more for a guy than simply "getting lucky."
As explained by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW: "The two main emotions that are most acceptable for men to display are still excitement and anger. The more tender emotions including fear, sadness, love, need, and longing are still considered 'unmanly' to express. So it is not surprising that the tender emotions, which have to be expressed in some way, get bound to the physical act of love. In fact, channeling the need for comfort and soothing into being intimate is actually a clever compromise. After all, during intimacy men can unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged, and loved up all under the acceptable guise of a very manly act — that of prowess."
Sure, men want to be intimate because they enjoy a happy ending, but they also want to reach you on a more emotional level. Unfortunately, not knowing this leaves many women feeling like they’re being backed into a corner, so they Google things like "how to make him commit" out of confusion and desperation. But there are a couple of ways to circumvent this issue. It’s important not to jump on the defense and assume a guy simply wants to get you into bed because he’s after your body. That does happen, of course, but it’s not always the case.
The problem with this dynamic is that it creates a dangerous dialogue. The woman in this kind of scenario typically says something like, "Okay, you want intimacy from me and I want a commitment from you. I will give you my body and be with you if you give me safety and make a commitment to me." If the man agrees, all that's been created is an illusion of safety. And some men do agree to become a woman's boyfriend in exchange for intimacy, even though they’re not ready to be in a relationship with her. Some women do agree to be physically intimate in exchange for a guy committing to being her boyfriend, even though they’re not ready to hook up with him.
When this happens, it isn't fair to either party, and it’s inauthentic on both ends. If you want to avoid falling into this trap, you what you need to learn first is how to make him want you. And the way to do that is by focusing on what it is that both of you want, and that's a meaningful connection. Most men are looking for a long-term partner they have a meaningful connection with, but the only way they know how to do this is by being intimate. Women want to connect as well, but they believe they can only do that once they have a commitment.
When you reverse the dynamic and make connection the centerpiece of your relationship, you provide the foundation upon which a lasting relationship can be built. If you're a woman who wants to learn how to make a man fall in love with you even if intimacy is currently off the table, this is what he needs to hear from you in order to keep him from running away. Instead of saying, “I don’t sleep with men until I’m in a committed relationship," say this: “I love the fact that you want me so much and I’m really turned on by you, but I don’t feel comfortable enough opening up to you yet. What I really want is to feel deeply connected to you before we take this next step.”
These words challenge him to see that what really matters is the connection between the two of you. They provide him with a pathway toward building intimacy with you. They help him to see that if he wants to get close to you in every possible way, he needs to make an investment in terms of his time and presence, and in terms of the manner in which he relates to and listens to you. As he starts investing in you, you’ll begin to feel a sense of true safety as the two of you connect and really get to know each other. You won't need a false sense of safety based on your demands for a commitment. Remember that men and women are after the same thing: connection. They just go about it in different ways. If you can work with your partner to put that connection before either the commitment or the intimacy, your relationship will have a far better chance of long-term success.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.