5 Ways You Destroy Relationships (Without Even Realizing It)
Why the problem in the relationship is you.
Mitchell Griest | Unsplash You've met the man of your dreams! He is sweet, kind, and caring, and leaves you feeling loved and wanted. You can’t believe how lucky you are! You try to do whatever you can to impress him and win him over. He is just so different from the other men you've dated who took you for granted and made you feel unappreciated — or just outright used. Then, little things he does start to annoy you. Maybe it's the way he says certain things, or maybe the way he wants to spend time with his friends. Maybe he doesn't like the same TV shows as you do or has a habit of making suggestions that his way of doing things is better than yours.
After a while, it just feels like he pushes your buttons deliberately. Resentment builds and you start withdrawing from him. Something doesn’t feel right, and it hurts when it seems he just doesn’t understand you or appears to be criticizing what you do. Why does he say those things that leave you feeling not so good about yourself? What was once all rainbows and ponies turned into something akin to being left outside on a cold and rainy night. So what is going on here?
Here are 5 ways you destroy relationships without even realizing it:
1. You're allowing your unresolved hurts to run the show
We've all been hurt. That's something you can't avoid and is not an issue in itself — the issue is the fact that we don't know how to resolve these hurts. We carry hurts from what we experienced in during our childhood, at school, and in our past relationships. These begin to stack up, and soon we begin to lose sight of ourselves and start to identify with our hurts as being who we are, but that isn't true.
These unresolved hurts are buried out of sight and serve as triggers. When your partner does or says something that triggers an old hurt, you react, and in doing so those old feelings of hurt flood your body again. This is a time when you aren't seeing an interaction clearly because it is clouded by the distorted lens you are looking through. Most times you get clarity later on when you realize you reacted negatively to a situation you could have handled very differently. Instead of feeling guilty, get professional support in dealing with your hurts so the real you can shine through and you can feel empowered in all your interactions.
2. You don't love and value yourself
When you enter a relationship not feeling so great about yourself and who you truly are — always trying to improve or somehow be "better" — you're not valuing and appreciating your special qualities. The old cliché holds a lot of truth, if you don’t love and accept yourself as you are now, then how are you able to fully love someone else for who they are? No one is perfect, but love doesn't wait for someone to be perfect, it just loves, no matter where you are. Don't expect your partner to give you the love that you don't give yourself. That is your responsibility.
3. Instead of respecting him, you want to control him
When you enter a relationship feeling vulnerable and needy, expecting him to meet these needs instead of respecting where he is at and what is going on for him, you become demanding. These demands may be subtle, but they are still demands. Do you find yourself saying things like:
- "Why are you wearing that?"
- "Where are you going?"
- "Who was that you were talking to?"
It's okay to say these things, but when they are driven by fear and insecurity, you are bound to run into trouble. Focus on meeting your own needs by loving and nurturing yourself in the style you know you deserve. This will strengthen you, and your neediness will fall away.
4. You don’t know how to resolve your jealousy
Feeling jealous happens from time to time, but when it starts to consume you then your relationship is directly and negatively affected. It's important to realize that jealousy is not about the other person — it's about you. When we see someone has made choices we know we could have made for ourselves, but that we chose not to for whatever reason, we feel rage. That rage is actually directed at ourselves, so to offset the impact, we project it onto the other person. To counter this, focus on yourself and on making amazing, self-loving choices. Do not settle for less. Then you can walk tall feeling great about yourself — with or without a man.
5. You don’t know how to handle tension when it arises
All relationships have some degree of tension. The problem is we are fine when things are going well, but when a situation occurs and tension arises, we either go into a reactive mode or run for cover. It's important to handle those more difficult moments in a mature, adult way. This means taking responsibility for how you may have contributed to the tension, and supporting your partner to do the same. Keep in mind that life has never been about being perfect. It’s about learning and growing as we go.
Kate Chorley is a clinical hypnotherapist, counselor, and coach, specializing in relationship counseling with 20 years of experience.