When Your Kid Simply Will Not Listen, These 5 Things Actually Help
Malte | Unsplash When you are talking to your kids, do you ever feel like a broken record, saying the same thing over and over again? You tell them to put on their shoes, grab their backpack, feed the dog, or put on pajamas. They say "okay" and then do absolutely nothing. It feels like talking to a wall, and it is exhausting.
What usually happens next is that we assume our kids heard us, processed what we said, agreed with it, and are about to take action. But most of the time, that is not what's happening at all. Their brains are busy with video games, group chats, snacks, homework, and a thousand other things. They respond automatically because they have learned good manners, not because they truly absorbed the instruction. When kids refuse to listen, it is rarely about disrespect. It is about distraction, development, and motivation. That is exactly why the following strategies actually help.
When your kid simply will not listen, these 5 things actually help:
1. Don't take it personally
It’s reasonable to expect that kids won’t follow all of your directions the first time, every time. This is a family, not an army barracks.
Research shows that following multiple-step directions requires super complex working memory skills that develop over time, so it's totally normal for kids not to comply right away every single time. When you understand that your three-year-old can only handle up to three steps and your four-year-old is still learning this complicated skill, you can set realistic expectations instead of taking it personally when they don't listen perfectly.
2. Get their attention before giving directions
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Touch their shoulder, call their name, or look them in the eye.
Getting down at your child's eye level and making eye contact before giving directions actually captures their attention way more effectively and makes it easier for them to absorb what you're saying. Studies even showed that eye contact was super effective in reducing kids' problems with compliance because it helps them actually process what you're asking instead of just hearing noise while they're focused on something else.
3. Change how you say it
Try humor, silliness, and singing. See number two: get their attention, even if it’s a bit embarrassing. Doing something fun and unexpected helps kids snap back into the moment and actually hear you (even if they're more embarrassed by your antics than you are).
Research found that parents who use playfulness and humor during interactions had kids with way fewer behavioral problems, less anxiety and depression, and so much more cooperation overall. When you use creativity and humor instead of just barking orders, you're basically reframing harsh situations into fun, which helps kids snap back into the moment and actually hear you because playfulness is literally like a love language for kids.
4. Ask them to repeat the request
Ask them to confirm more specifically: "Yes, ma’am, I’ll take out the trash before dinner."
Getting confirmation that your kid actually heard you helps them process the request and gives them time to decide whether to comply instead of just blowing past your words. Research suggests that giving kids a full seven-second pause after you give a direction lets them actually absorb what you said and start to act on it, instead of you getting upset before you even give them a real chance to comply.
5. Help them find their motivation
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The best question parents can ask themselves is: "What’s in it for my child?" Understanding your child's world through that perspective is a magic ticket for parents.
Research has concluded that when parents take their child's perspective and help them understand what's in it for them, kids develop way more intrinsic motivation and actually want to cooperate instead of feeling controlled. When you consider your child's world and explain why something matters to them instead of just giving orders, you get kids who are more motivated, better adjusted, and way more likely to internalize good behaviors instead of just rebelling.
As parents, we tend to make really big assumptions that actually get in the way of helping our kids learn to follow our directions. The truth is — when our kids don’t follow directions, it’s not really the next act in an ongoing disrespectful tragedy. It’s really more of a comedy — part human nature colliding with part human brain.
When you can accept that and roll with it, the positive results will surprise you. No more sounding like a broken record!
Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, founders of ImpactADHD®, teach/write about practical strategies for parents of complex kids with ADHD and related challenges.
