10 Brutal Truths About Raising Teenagers Even The Most Prepared Parents Don't See Coming
MilanMarkovic78 | Shutterstock Most parents of typical toddlers are constantly challenged, mentally drained, and extremely exhausted. Not much changes when you're raising a teenager.
Though unlike the Terrible Twos, teenagers are extremely verbal and, while you will still hear the emphatic "no," teens are like well-versed little lawyers: ready, willing, and able to defend or plead their case. Just because teenagers can feed themselves and wipe their own tushies, it doesn't make them home free. As their parent, you still worry about what they eat, what they drink, and if they play nicely with others.
A study showed that as teens seek independence, parents are challenged to keep them safe while supporting their growth. Being aware of and responsive to your teen's needs is one way parents can make things easier. This involves staying connected, guiding them, and communicating openly to build their confidence and decision-making skills.
And yet, you can read all the books and set all the rules, and nothing works the way you expected: this is the brutal truth. The sweet, predictable rhythms of childhood are replaced with mood swings and pushback. Welcome to being a parent of a teenager.
Here are 10 brutal truths about raising teenagers, even the most prepared parents don't see coming:
1: They will break their curfew
Taking a page out of my parents' handbook: "Better late than never." There really is no excuse not to call or text since their cell phones are practically a second skin. However, you'd rather they be late than drive like mad to get home on time. Deep breaths help while you wait.
Research has found that parents who stayed involved and warm throughout high school had adult children who were closer and talked to them more. Good, consistent discipline also reduced future drama.
2: They will tell you they hate you
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No, they don't really hate you, no matter how many times or how convincingly they say it. They just can't think of anything else as potent to say. The sooner you get used to hearing it, the better.
A parent's ability to regulate their own physical stress and thoughts is key, suggested one study. This is especially true for fathers, whose ability to control their emotions and thoughts helps them handle the challenges of raising teenagers.
3: They will tell you that every other kid gets to do it
Not everyone is "doing it, going there, or even allowed to do it." Teens have been successfully pitting parents against each other for years. Don't fall for it.
The American Psychological Association explained: "Parents may be frustrated and angry that the teen seems to no longer respond to parental authority. Methods of discipline that worked well in earlier years may no longer have an effect. And, parents may feel frightened and helpless about the choices their teen is making. As a result, the teen years are ripe for producing conflict in the family."
4: They will mirror more of you than you're comfortable admitting
Your parents warned you that you'd have a kid just like you, and they were right. (Don't ask me how I know.) What they didn't tell you is that it would be you times 100.
Life coach Ruth Schimel, Ph.D. said, "Conscious or not, imprints of early relationships remain and echo in aspects of imagination and expectations, hopes and dreams, issues to avoid and opportunities to seek in your own life. They can permeate and shape your future choices.
5: Whatever you say, they will do the opposite
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Say, "No, you mustn't," and no sooner do you turn your back, chances are they're already doing it, so pick your battles wisely.
Family coach Natalie Blais put it bluntly: "It's time to learn what to stand your ground on as a parent and what to just let go of and allow natural consequences to take over. Stop fighting over putting laundry in a basket. When your kid goes to get dressed, and there is no clean clothing, they will either put on something dirty, learn how to do their laundry, or start putting their laundry in the basket for laundry day. We feel like we must be right with every single discussion, and that simply isn't the truth."
6: They will say you just don't get it
Why, yes, yes, I do get it. In fact, my generation, or maybe the generation before, invented that. So yes, I do understand, and the answer is still no.
While young children focus on parents, teenagers shift toward friends to prepare for independence. A study found that children's brains respond more to their mother's voice, while teenagers' brains respond more to unfamiliar voices. This reveals that reward systems in the brain physically shift to prioritize new social connections over parents during adolescence.
7: They will always want to borrow your things
If you have a daughter and, if miraculously, she actually likes your taste, she will go shopping in your closet and will set her sights on your most precious possessions. Lucky for me, by the time my daughter was ready for heels, her feet were larger than mine. My handbags aren't as safe. All I ask is that they come back in the same condition as they left. So far, so good.
8: They still need you more than they let on
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They want you in their life more than they will ever let on. You may feel as if you're only an ATM or a chauffeur, but don't be fooled. Just don't ever expect to hear it.
The American Psychological Association explained that teenagers still deeply need practical and emotional support, even if they won't admit it. They might argue with everything a parent says, but they still rely on them to understand what they are going through.
9: They won't bring your car back in the same condition
If they borrow the car, it will most likely come back without gas and quite possibly smell like French fries, sweaty socks, or worse. I'm just thankful they got home safely with the car and themselves intact. As I said, pick your battles wisely.
10: A little bit of humor goes a long way
If your teen leans toward the dramatic and threatens to run away because "you are so unfair" or the "worst parent ever," though you know (for sure) they would never leave the safety and security of home and an open wallet (not to mention a well-stocked pantry), smile and say, "Great, I'll help you pack." Then, hum excitedly as you make your way to the storage closet full of suitcases.
Start begging or insisting they stay, and you've turned this into a test of wills they might feel they have to make good on. Instead, let them save face and get annoyed that you're not taking them seriously. They'll also be relieved. They just want to whine and complain. It's part of the territory.
I say this with authority, though take it with a grain of salt. My attempts at running away got me as far as the edge of our driveway. Instinctively, I knew I wasn't going to get very far with a suitcase full of stuffed animals, two dollars, and a bag of Oreos. I just wanted to be heard. Your kids do, too.
Linda Wolff proves that midlife, motherhood, and the empty nest aren't so scary. Her essays have been published in numerous anthologies, as well as on the Huffington Post, Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, Scary Mommy, Mamalode, and more.
