People Who Marry ‘Up’ Or ‘Down’ Usually Have To Deal With 4 Uncomfortable Issues At Some Point

The class divide in America is only becoming wider, and now it's having its effect on marriage. When we typically talk about marrying "up" or "down," we think of wealth or attraction, but it turns out that marrying outside of your class also has lasting effects on the relationship. 

Jessi Streib, author of "The Power of the Past" and a sociology professor at Duke University, really dived into this phenomenon. He told Vox, "We are living in a time where the classes are coming apart. Geographically, we're living farther and farther away from people of different classes. Socially, we're becoming more different from people of other classes, and economically, the earnings gap between the classes is increasing." 

What happens when two people from two different backgrounds or classes fall in love? Streib followed a few people who came from blue-collar backgrounds and became white-collar professionals who then married white-collar professionals. She then noticed differences between the two would bubble up. Here are four things Streib listed that happen in these relationships.

If you marry 'up' or 'down,' prepare for these 4 uncomfortable issues:

1. The two spouses manage everyday life differently

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Streib noted that when people grow up in the same class, there is an understanding that develops, almost like people of the same cultural background, even though they might be strangers. He explained, "Your class background shapes how you want to go about your daily life, and it does so in really systematic ways. Systematically, strangers who have never met yet who share a class background often have more in common with each other than spouses with whom they share their life if they came from different classes."

One of those major distinctions is managing daily life. The white-collar spouse tries to manage things while the spouse with a blue-collar background goes with the flow. This is likely a direct result of the work mindset that they adopted from their parents. It could be as simple as the white-collar spouse needing a more structured weekly schedule, while the blue-collar spouse is comfortable with less rigidity.

RELATED: Research Shows Over 50% Of White-Collar Workers Now Wish They Had Blue-Collar Jobs Instead

2. The spouse who came from a blue-collar background expresses emotions more

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This also stems from white-collar workers managing things more. This also has to do with their emotions, so they tend to think about things more before saying them, while the spouse with a blue-collar background is more likely to say things on the spot.

Steib explained, "People from professional white-collar backgrounds want to manage their emotions more often, meaning they want to think about them before they express them, consider how they feel, plan how they're going to express them if they do at all, and say it in this very intellectualized manner."

RELATED: Former Blue-Collar Worker Says His Previous Colleagues Constantly Talk Down On White-Collar Workers, Not The Other Way Around

3. Childhood privilege could be weaponized

Streib found one couple in which the husband came from a blue-collar family, and he would often remind his wife that he had to start working at 14 and that she had it easy. He would say that she needs to work hard, and he can retire early to even things out. 

Understandably, she found this to be unfair. You can't really counter an argument like this, and feeling like you have to apologize for growing up differently means fighting resentment with more resentment. Relationship and anger expert Steven Stosny, Ph.D., explained, "Resentful and angry people see themselves as merely reacting to an unfair world. They often feel offended by what they perceive as a general insensitivity to their 'needs.' As a result, they're likely to feel attacked by any attempt to point out ways in which they might be unfair."

4. They have to get used to each other's differences

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The learning goes both ways. Streib explained that many middle-class families spend more time doing activities, while blue-collar families tend to stay at home and spend time together. The white-collar spouse might learn from this. The blue-collar spouse might learn from the other spouse how to build a secure, stable life, typically associated with the middle class.

However, she also mentioned that their differences usually make the prospect attractive. "The way we grow up, we grow up with a lot in common with people of our class because we grow up in similar environments to people in the same class. And when we don't like something about our own class background, we want somebody who has the opposite experience," she noted.

RELATED: Woman Wonders If It's A Red Flag That Her Rich Boyfriend Wants To Fly First Class While She Sits In Economy

Nicole Weaver is a senior writer for Showbiz Cheat Sheet whose work has been featured in New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, and more.