Married, but in love with someone else

People who are unhappy with themselves and afraid of being alone are alone even if they are married. Due to their fear of being alone they make poor decisions and most of the time decisions are made from a feeling of desperation. Childhood abuse or chaotic family situations can cause a child grief and self loathing. This does not go away. They choose a partner that represents how they feel about themselves. Part of the reason parenting is so important is because you are giving your child not only a loving environment to grow up in, but also you are helping form their relationships as an adult for years to come.
One of the more common predicaments I see with couples therapy is one of the partners has fallen out of love, but is afraid to leave because they don’t want to be alone. Due to their fear and lost connection with their spouse they reach for another person to comfort them. This threesome usually leads to the demise of the couple’s marriage, and the children involved carry that legacy on. People who tell me they no longer love their spouse, but have found a friend or perfect partner in someone else are people who don’t love themselves. In truth, the person who is married but seeking another for comfort and connection doesn’t love anyone. They are correct when they say they no longer love their spouse; they may never have loved their spouse. You cannot love someone when you don’t like yourself, because you attract someone who loves you at the level you are at. What is difficult for them to see is when you are unhappy and attract a new friend or lover, when you are at perhaps your lowest level of self-esteem. This is not a good time to be choosing partners and very rarely do you make a wise choice. When you love someone, you want to protect them and therefore you would never put them in the middle of a triangle that you constructed. The only person protected in the triangle is you, and that will only be a short time, because the chances are high that both your spouse and lover will leave you once they find out what happened. This question came to me last week after a Fox 26 segment. This was so apparent and real from the question, that I had to answer the viewer frankly. This viewer was so clouded by the triangle they had constructed that they could no longer see.

Dear Mary Jo,
I was watching Fox TV 26 this morning and it was like you were talking to me. I'm in a marriage that I don't want to be in, but I'm scared to be alone. I have a friend on the side that doesn't understand why I stay and loves me as well. I'm stuck in a relationship that I don't want, and in love with someone who I'm scared might leave me. Thank you! P.T.

Next; Mary Jo's Advice...

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Dear PT, Thank you for your honest letter, and I hope this letter will help encourage you, but more importantly, I hope it will motivate you to make changes within yourself. I don’t know your spouse or your friend, but based on your letter I do know you are going to end up alone. You already are, which is why you are seeking solace with another person who does not have your best interest at heart. The reason I can say this with confidence is because it is clear to me that you don’t know or love yourself. You are making unwise decisions due to your fear of being alone and facing your pain. You most likely will not have a healthy marriage or relationship until you become clear of what you are running from. What frightens you so much about being alone? I am going to offer suggestions that I think would be wise for you to get started on before you make decisions regarding your marriage.
1. You need to begin counseling on your own so you can get stronger within yourself. You won’t do what you need to do unless you have professional support.
2. You need to tell your friend the truth that you are only thinking of yourself right now. That you are not in a position of loving yourself let alone another person. Tell your friend as honestly as you can that you have been using them as a way to not be alone. Saying this aloud will help empower you.
3. Most likely, you are projecting a savior image on to your friend, and this is not reality. Your friend is waiting around because they are at your level of self love. Two halves can never create a whole in relationships. It takes two whole people to create a healthy relationship.
4. If your spouse is abusive, then you must leave. That includes emotional, sexual or physical abuse. If they are not abusive then you should go to them, and tell them you are unhappy in your life. Tell them you need to work on you, and the stronger you become the more the marriage will change. Ask them how they feel about this. Ask them if they are happy. Ask them if they want a more connected, loving marriage. You need to begin talking to your spouse. Don’t blame them for your unhappiness, but let them know you are tired of being unhappy and want to change.
5. You need to take responsibility for your situation because it is your fear that is keeping you there. You have the power to change that if you take ownership of it. Part of taking ownership is going to the doctor if you are depressed and being assessed so they can give you the proper treatment. Many people in triangles are also depressed.

Fear and love rule the world and relationships. When your fear being alone, and facing your own demons keeps you locked in an unhealthy relationship, it is time to face your demons and work through the pain. Happiness is waiting for you, but it’s inside you. No person can make us happy if we are afraid of being alone. That isn’t love, that’s fear. –Mary Jo Rapini

Married, But In Love With Someone Else

When you are married and in love with someone else, fear of being alone may hold you trapped.

Married, But In Love With Someone Else

When you are married and in love with someone else, fear of being alone may hold you trapped.

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