People Who Always See The Best In Someone Usually Miss 4 Pretty Big Red Flags
martin dm | Canva You've met someone new, and it feels magical.
It's been all butterflies and rainbows ever since. Ah, swoon! But when you're this excited about a new relationship, it can be easy to see the best in someone and miss the warning signs right in front of you. Sometimes your heart gets going before your brain has a chance to catch up, which makes it hard to tell whether you're feeling real love or falling for the romantic fantasy this new person seems to offer. So before you decide they're "the one," it's worth asking if you're seeing the whole person, or only the version you want them to be.
People who always see the best in someone usually miss these 4 pretty big red flags in their partner:
1. They use excuses to justify bad behavior
They always have a reason for why they acted the way they did. They were tired. They were stressed. They had a hard childhood. They didn't mean it like that.
YourTango expert Louann Schwager Tung explains the difference between falling in love with the romanticized fantasy of this person's love as opposed to the actual person you're with. What exactly does this mean? It means that rather than seeing the person in front of you for who they are, you're seeing who you want them to be, as suggested by a study published by Frontiers in Psychology.
2. They promise things but never follow through
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Someone can say all the right things and still show you very little through their actions. They may promise they will call, make plans, communicate better, stop hurting your feelings, or finally take the relationship seriously. But if those promises keep falling apart, their pattern is telling you more than their words ever could.
You're creating a fantasy of what love is and feels like in your head, and using this new someone as the character who fulfills it. "Expectation is the first enemy of love," Louann explains.
Research in the Review of General Psychology helps demonstrate that if your love is the real deal, you will be able to accept the person you're with fully, even if they don't always live up to your fantasy expectations. You'll see his flaws and the things that annoy you about him. You'll understand his weaknesses, and accept them.
3. They make you feel confused more often than secure
A person who is good for you should not leave you constantly wondering where you stand. If they are warm one day and distant the next, sweet in private but dismissive in public, or deeply affectionate only when they think they might lose you, pay attention. Confusion can feel exciting at first, but it is not the same thing as love.
If you're able to see the whole person in front of you, including his hopes and dreams, needs and wants, and yes, even things you don't care for about him, then your feelings have a chance of growing into real love. If not, there might be some disconnection between what you're expecting from your partner and what you're getting.
If you're building up a fantasy in your head, you can't tell if your relationship is building toward something, as supported by research in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. How will you ever know if you've found your "one" if you're not able to see the whole picture of who you're dating?
4. They expect forgiveness without real accountability
Are they claiming to be Prince Charming while acting like a scrub? People in this situation often ignore what their partner is saying or doing to keep him as a stand-in for the lovely relationship ideal they've built up in their heads. But by doing this, they're not creating a lasting, love-filled relationship built on a foundation of solidarity, understanding, and trust.
It is one thing for someone to make a mistake, own it, and try to do better. It is another thing for them to hurt you, apologize, and then repeat the same behavior again. Sooner or later, his flaws and incompatibilities will cause the relationship to crumble.
Sure, a fairy tale sort of love is nice in your daydreams. But in reality, it's not the stuff that real, working relationships are made of. If you're concerned about whether your love is fantasy or reality, look for the tell-tale signs that prove what you're feeling is real.
Louann Schwager Tung is a relationship coach who helps people find their forever person.
