Photo: TikTok
One mom shares her gentle parenting technique. How this trend works for some families.
By Hawthorn Martin — Written on Feb 09, 2023
A mother of a toddler on TikTok shared a video of how she and her son work through tantrums together with self-regulating strategies and viewers who have kids of their own are praising her.
This type of parenting has frequently been referred to as “gentle parenting”, and has been met with both support and criticism from other parents.
In this case, the methods "gentle parenting" advocates use worked successfully, but other parents have had mixed feelings about the parenting style.
The video by TikTok user @bareyoursoul demonstrates her son calming himself down from a tantrum.
The kid starts off working himself into a state of distress, crying and unable to explain what he wants or needs, but then his mom steps in to talk to him.
She sits down on the floor with him and asks him to breathe deeply, and then “shake it out,” waving his arms around to dispel the energy.
His mom then says “listening ears,” and both she and her son point to their ears. She explains in the text on the video: “that way he knows he has my full attention and I have his.”
After a few seconds, her son’s teary eyes seem more focused, and he is able to explain what had upset him in the first place. He had wanted a specific snack, one that his mom is now able to provide to him.
Once she explains this to him, he takes one more deep breath, shakes his arms out again, and then the two of them are able to move on.
Other TikTok users in the comments share their thoughts.
One mom replied “GREAT JOB MOMMA!!!!! Self-regulation is SO important and you’ve taught him so well!!!”
Another mom shared her strategy of asking her child to name objects according to criteria she sets out to help “get totally different brainwaves popping.”
Yet another commenter said that this tactic had not worked for her, saying “I tried this exact method with the kids I nanny and one of the boys slapped me.”
The original poster also added some additional context in the comments, explaining that she was able to record the video because the conflict was relatively minor, and that it had taken a long time for her and her son to master this method of handling tantrums.
“Not all babies are the same but this works so well for all of us!”
This example of gentle parenting is a great avenue through which to talk about the current debate surrounding this style of parenting.
Gentle parenting is the practice of a parent avoiding using anger to redirect their child whenever something goes wrong, and instead teaching a child to understand and regulate their emotions.
This style of parenting has become something of a trend on TikTok. It has primarily taken off with people who felt that their own parents were cruel to them as children, and as a result, did not teach them to manage their own emotions in the face of struggle.
It is, however, not something that every parent feels capable of doing, or even agrees that they should be doing.
One user on Mumsnet argues that entirely repressing anger as a parent may not be healthy for the child.
“There are people in this world who will react with anger and [my child] needs to know that,” she states.
This mother believes that it is important for children to see that their parents get angry too.
“The reality is at some point, parents will get angry with their kids,” she states.
She explains further that when her kids see her get angry, they also see her move through the anger, apologize for her actions, and then make amends with others when she messes up. This process is important for children to witness, and learn by example.
Another mother wrote about her experiences in raising nine children, and how she made the switch from a rigid schedule to a looser one that relied on gentle parenting techniques.
For this mom, the difference in parenting fostered a healthier environment for herself and her kids; it gave her a greater peace of mind, and helped her better connect with her children.
“I slowly stopped trying to force things and allowed our days to flow,” she wrote. “Does someone want to talk to me for an hour? Ok. Do kids want to play a game? Go ahead.”
Creating a more understanding schedule, and an environment of life experiences, rather than strict instructions and carefully managed responses has allowed for more meaningful conversations and lessons to develop naturally.
“I can't tell them not to yell at each other while I'm yelling. I can't tell them to talk respectfully to each other if I answer them with impatience or annoyance. I can't tell them to not hit while spanking. Life is a great teacher. You’ll learn whether you want to or not.”
This mom admits that she isn’t perfect and that sometimes her anger and frustration will still get the best of her, but overall the environment in her family has allowed for more compassion and understanding between members of the family.
Gentle parenting works for some parents and some families.
For some, it is a tool of freedom in opening communication in the household between parent and child. For others, it can make things more difficult by causing the parent to feel guilty for not being perfect.
For some parents, gentle parenting is worth the effort. For others, it is a tool that is ultimately not sustainable for their situation.
Every family works differently, and every person will understand their needs and the needs of their children the best.
What matters is that you love your child and love yourself, other things will fall into place around that.
Hawthorn Martin is a news and entertainment writer living in Texas. They focus on social justice, pop culture, and human interest stories.