Love

Yikes! 5 Worst First Date Stories Of All Time

Photo: New Africa / Shutterstock
man and woman on date

They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I say, why kiss the frogs in the first place?

Just send them on their merry way after you've figured out they're completely psycho. I once went on a "drinks thing" (I don't even want to call it a date) with a guy who very plainly told me "I will buy you a drink, but if you order any food, you'll have to pay for it yourself."

Needless to say, I never spoke to him again. Another time, a guy insisted I pick him up in my car, and when I did, he wouldn't stop clapping and making 'vroom, vroom' noises. There was not a second date, and he never saw me or my car again.

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Enter U.K.-based website First Date Hell, started by writer Rhodri Marsden.

If it had existed back when I designed to have drinks with this doofus, I would have definitely tweeted about it to @FirstDateHell, which now has almost 6,000 followers. Looks like peeps need an outlet to vent about their horrible dates, and I can't blame them. Here are some of my favorites:

1. @Kristainchicago First date. asked my age. Me: "32, why?" Him: "Well, I really want kids and at 32, your ovaries are dying."

Number one, you do not ask someone their age point-blank. You figure it out through Facebook or when they graduated from college or such. Second, your ovaries don't start dying until much later, you sexist doucheface. And third, you will never get the chance to find out if my ovaries are dying or not.

2. @JessicaRoseJR One boy texted me the complete lyrics to "hit me, baby, one more time" replacing the word "hit" with "text". I did not respond.

Is this the 90s? Maybe if he had texted a Katy Perry lyric, that would have been fine (no, no it wouldn't have been). 

3. @JipJipperson went to hers. Saw a 'shrine' to her exes. She asked to lick my eyeball. Said it'd turn me on. She did. It didn't. I left.

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Why did you go to her place on the first date? Why didn't you bolt after the shrine to the exes, but before the eyeball-licking? Clearly, you're shopping in the crazy department too. I have a friend you would like.

4. @sankatka after 15 min, kept insisting I'd move in with him, showed me blueprints of the basement. I had a mysterious headache.

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5. @kingnivin After 40 mins of painful convo I tweeted about the horrible date. She came back from the bathroom & poured her drink on me.

Ha...well, you kind of deserved that one. Tough call though on which one of you is crazier.

Monica Green is a New York-based writer who has contributed to Good Housekeeping, The Knot, and Bustle, among others.

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